Another argument with dh

[mummyrocks1]

All we seem to do is argue and we just have different views on everything. It's got to the point where I don't even know who's right or wrong these days. We don't seem to get on.

So dh has his own business so is stressed quite open as the sales is on him all the time. He has periods where it's work, work, work but also periods where he seems not to have lots to do and works from home etc. He generally works from 9.30-6.30 everyday. He calls them long hours but I think that's pretty standard.

His time management is not good and he puts things he doesn't want to do off until the last minute and so then gets stressed.

This week a big proposal came in which he started talking about Thursday. He worked from home Friday but didn't do it as he put it off and did other admin things instead. Then we discussed our weekend plans and he said he would do it this Saturday and some gardening. I said I was going to the gym and then fine as we have to wait in for a delivery anyway. We got up at 8, I went to the gym at 10 and returned about 12. When I got back the kids were in front of the tv. I expected dh was doing his work, fine, I was ready to take over.

Dh has just come up and said he's doing gardening now and wants to do his work tomorrow. I explained that we are seeing his friends tomorrow and having family time, it's been in the diary. He says if he doesn't get work done in the morning tomorrow he can't come. I said I d be upset if he didn't come, it's family time but he doesn't care.

I asked why he hasn't done it this morning between 8-1. He's had b fast, washed up and sorted WiFi speed which didn't even need doing. He's prioritised things that aren't urgent. He's now said he's not in the head space to do it and wants to do gardening instead.

We ended up getting in a huge fight and he went back to trying to guilt trip me that he won't be able to pay himself if the proposal isn't done, I dong work, have had leisurely morning at gym. Which is true- but I can't help that he's not done this work. I know we re going to end up having massive argument tomorrow as there's no way he's going to get work done tomorrow morning before afternoon out. We have had conflict over weekends before and agreed one day chilling in and one day/half day out to please both of us. He has an entire weekend to do this work and is choosing to do it the one afternoon we are meant to be going out.

His argument is I am dictating when he does his work, he's worked all week and I haven't, I don't know what pressure he's under and he wants chill time today.

I was about to post exactly the same link as magicstar1 - he’s waiting until the panic monster arrives to get it done.

I’m like this, I’m a terrible last minute Mary, but I only let it affect me. I mess up my own time and planning for my own interests and hobbies, but I don’t let it impact time with DH or family. I get that right at least.

Sounds like he is struggling to do some of the tasks he has to, can you help him?

Not really March- we agreed I would step up and do the house things, which I do. He does the washing up and puts the bins out and does the garden but even moans about that. He wants me to do everything, which again I feel if he organised his time better he would be able to comfortably do.

He's quite money focused, that's the only way of showing your value. He said about me going back full time but once I explained he d have to step up with the dcs he's accepted it will be part time.

In fairness he does step up with the dcs. He will have to do the pick up, tea and bed once a week when I am studying. He does ds bedtime most nights and does play/spend time with them. He's a good dad. It's the weekend time we mostly argue about.

You said he feels the financial burden and gets very tired. The answer is pretty obvious - he scales back his work commitments (or works from home more to look after the kids) and you get a job. I personally think all responsibilities including parenting, chores and financial should be shared as much as possible. But I sympathise with him - being self employed is completely different to being full time. Everything is on you, and sometimes you need to take advantage of the fact that you can do stuff when you feel like it because the constant pressure is not something you get from being in a salaried role. I’ve done both and I’m never missed a deadline in salaried work, I’m very organised - but I was a complete scatty mess when self employed because the pressure literally never lets up, not at weekends, not at night when you’re going to bed, not at times when you’re meant to be relaxing and socialising

We talked about him scaling back his work commitments. He feels like he can't as the sales are up to him and the business would go under if he did. He practically holds it together.

I ve said why doesn't he do freelance or consultancy. He doesn't want to and doesn't think the opportunities are there for part time either and there will be lots of travelling. We paid off our mortgage and I told him he could live the good life but he seems set on making this work

Sorry OP but I'm with him, you see to have no clue how being overworked and under pressure affects you. You end up totally exhausted and desperate for some rest time, so yes, you procrastinate.

I've been where your OH is and it's draining. You want to get on with duties but your brain is so full, you can't concentrate. It is hard to understand when you are in that position and have a leisurely life, but you need to show your OH a bit more appreciation for the long hours he puts in to support you and the children.

Have you looked at DHD Inattentive Type? The constant procrastination is one of the markers for it.

Hypatia, did you mean ADHD, because I was coming on to say exactly that. The pattern of procrastinating, struggling to do things he doesn’t care about and getting tired easily all ring lots of bells for me.

I started on ADHD medication this year, having been diagnosed last year, and OH MY GOD, the difference.

Get him to try this questionnaire: psychology-tools.com/test/adult-adhd-self-report-scale

If it is ADHD, a diagnosis on its own can really help, but medication can be transformative.

Oops, yes I did! I've been on a waiting list for a year now, for my referral. I think I'm going to bite the bullet and go private.

So you've paid off your mortgage and he knows he doesn't need to work all hours to support his family, he can step back. So he's choosing to prioritise working over family.