Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that kids birthday parties are so hard to arrange when your parents don't get on?

27 replies

picnickers · 29/06/2019 11:36

My son is only 8 months old and we have had a horrific year. I've escaped domestic abuse. He's been unwell. I've been unwell. I want to throw him an amazing first birthday party (ok it's more of a party for me but hey ho!) but my parents don't get on. They can't be in the same room together as they really hate each other. They're allowed to hate each other and to be honest I don't know that I would be any different had I been through what they've been through.

It's easy to just say 'they should get on for the kids sake' but this'll never happen so no point even considering it.

I love them both dearly.

Do I just have two parties? One with fiends from mums side of the family? One with friends from dads side? It would be hugely weird to have them all together but only doing one or the other would end up excluding people.

I'm very stressed about it!

OP posts:
Dahlietta · 29/06/2019 11:39

I don't think two parties would be a bad idea. As you say, they're more for you than the little one at this age, but it sounds like you could do with a treat - why not have two? I presume your parents don't want to be together and neither of them would object to the idea of two parties?

Original poster
picnickers · 29/06/2019 11:41

@Dahlietta I believe there may have been infidelity involved in their separation though not entirely sure. It's none of my business and I love them both dearly. Thankfully they both encourage us to stay out of their personal business and to have a strong relationship with the other. They're sensible like that. They haven't been together for over 10 years! It's just bitter and awkward.

OP posts:
LutherRalph1 · 29/06/2019 11:44

I was in this exact situation in April ( LO turned one)
I invited both and if one decided they didn't want to come that was down to them, and not down to me.
The party was noisy chaos but with enough people that they didn't have to go near each other

LutherRalph1 · 29/06/2019 11:45

Also, doing two parties will set a precedent for future years

Original poster
picnickers · 29/06/2019 11:46

@LutherRalph1 I am slowly coming to like the idea of two parties. Grandma party and grandad party...

OP posts:
IsabellaLinton · 29/06/2019 11:54

It's easy to just say 'they should get on for the kids sake' but this'll never happen so no point even considering it.

Grandma party and Grandad party... how ridiculous and petty to put your child and grandchild in this situation. I’d have no patience with either of them. They can get over themselves and ignore each other or not attend the grandchild’s party. Their choice.

MrsElizabethShelby · 29/06/2019 12:00

Your making it very hard work. Your parents are adults and should be able to act like adults.

My parents don't speak. I have one party. They either come or they don't. I do not pander to their bullshit and I refuse to engage with any emotional manipulation.

They need to grow the fuck up.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 29/06/2019 12:02

They can't be in the same room together as they really hate each other. They're allowed to hate each other and to be honest I don't know that I would be any different had I been through what they've been through.

I disagree with the whole "they're allowed to hate one another". It's selfish of them and their selfishness is going to impact on their Grandchild's life. They're actively choosing to hate one another and for me I would have to point that out to them.

My parents are divorced (and their divorce was horrid, hate filled and awful to live through) and at weddings, christenings, parties and events they've been given a choice to behave civilly for the sake of their Grandchildren or not come. It's brutal but if you don't lay down some rules now you're going to have to dance between the two of them for the rest of your son's life.

blubblubblub · 29/06/2019 12:14

Tell your parents to grow up and put your DC ahead of their hatred for each other, or simply stay home. It really is as easy as that. If they can't do that, then they miss out.

HypatiaCade · 29/06/2019 12:21

It depends on how big the party is, I suppose. If there's only a dozen or so people, then it will be horribly awkward. If there are 20 or more, they should be able to suck it up. TBH, they might as well learn now, because this is going to be the first of many.

But, what are you going to do about yourself and your DS's father? Does he see your DS at all? At some point are you going to be able to have both sides of your DS's family in the same place?

Original poster
picnickers · 29/06/2019 12:30

@HypatiaCade it'll only be a handful of people at each. To be honest I think it's more awkward for me than it is for them!

I get on with my exes family. They see him for what he is. They're all invited :)

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 29/06/2019 12:33

Have one at yours dads house and then one ar your mums. Or soft play and sit them well apart

Original poster
picnickers · 29/06/2019 12:35

When I say they can't be in the same room together, physically of course they can, but they haven't seen each other for 10 years. It'll be hugely awkward. I don't want to remember my son's first birthday like that! This is more about my feeling awkward than theirs.

OP posts:
HypatiaCade · 29/06/2019 12:42

Well, let it be awkward BEFORE your DS can remember. If they get used it for the next few years, your DS will only remember that Grandma and Grandpa were both at his big events, and not that they don't get along.

Pommes · 29/06/2019 12:52

Most certainly one party. Invite both. Let them know (casually) you have invited both. Let them decide whether to turn up. This is the first of SO many events that they might need to come together if they want to be involved in DC's life (there will be birthdays, school plays, school fairs, after school club events). Set your expectations now. I often find Precious First Grandchildren (PFG) turn grandparents a bit bonkers anyway, they'll probably end up exchanging stories about their beloved new grandchild.

ElBandito · 29/06/2019 12:54

When your DS is older and getting married will he have two weddings? Sort it out now. Or have a party and don’t invite either of them and tell them why.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 29/06/2019 12:55

We had something similar. If there is a clear wronged party then they get first dibs, otherwise they're both invited, and anyone who kicks off can leave.

Or it's totally possible to have a first birthday party without grandparents. Do you have other friends, people you've met at playgroups etc? We have family overseas so the first birthday was just us and other families and babies, it was fun and a nice way to celebrate a year without family drama.

flossie86 · 29/06/2019 12:58

A grandma & grandpa party.....that's ridiculous it's about your child not the grandparents, my parents are separated and not on good terms at all but they manage to stay civil at our kids events (birthdays, christening etc) & have even managed to make small talk now over the years. Dont make it about them its ackward at the start but soon becomes less so over the years

ememem84 · 29/06/2019 12:59

Agree. Just one party. Invite both. They can make the choice. Otherwise you’re setting yourself up for a lifetime of hassle. Eg two christenings, two parties every year, two weddings etc.

No. Admittedly we’ll be doing two parties for ds this year. He’ll be 2. This is because Dhs parents are divorced and mil lives in New Zealand. She’ll be here for a month up until 2 weeks before ds’ birthday. So well do something while she’s here. Then another something on his birthday.

GreenTulips · 29/06/2019 13:05

Throw one party and say mum you can come 1-2:30 dad will be here 2:30 onwards

That’s a job done

bourbonbiccy · 29/06/2019 13:13

I had the same sort of worry about my wedding, my mum strongly disliked my dad and they hadn't been in the same room for years, but they just had to grow up, put their differences aside and sit on the top table like bloody adults for the love of me !!

If they can't manage that for one afternoon, then they really are quite self centred, selfish people in my opinion. As your child grows,he should not be put in a position of who to invite to things, they need to get used it while he is still unaware of anything, so when he is, they know how to conduct themselves for the sake of their grandchild !!!

Ginger1982 · 29/06/2019 13:22

Sorry but if your parents can't be civil for a couple of hours at their grandkid's party then that's on them. Don't feed their nonsense. Have one party and invite them both.

Yabbers · 29/06/2019 13:54

Two parties is a ridiculous idea. Throw one party, invite who YOU want to be there (I.e not friends of parents) and tell your family if they won’t get on they should stay away.

It might seem ok at 8 months, but when you are throwing a party for your 8 years old, what then? Two parties? Does she invite her friends twice?

Set your your terms now and let them get on with their shit.

livingthegoodlife · 29/06/2019 14:44

I say two parties, it would go on for max four years as then lo will be at school and invite their own friends. When you reach this stage grandma comes after school for cake/presents one day and grandpa the other day. No separate parties!! Easy.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 29/06/2019 15:06

When he's older and is at school he'll have a party with his friends so who will be at that one?
And what if you have more children how many parties will you have to do?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.