One sided friendship and I am fed up with it.

[onesided]

We have been friends for 30 years plus.
We live an hour and a half away from each other, and have done for the last ten years.

As part of her job she drives to different offices around the country every month or so, and has no problem driving to and from London (over three hours from her house) and yet she has only been here once to visit in ten years.

All the other times I am expected to go there, and I am sick of it. We both have jobs, dc and busy lives. We both live in tourist type areas, so it is equally as nice to visit. I care for my friend, and like seeing her and the dc but why is it always me that has to do the driving around.

I did raise it with her, that I felt the friendship is one sided, that she needs to make an effort too. She then organises a date to come, and cancels a few days before with a weak excuse, and tells me she worries about the drive (despite driving everywhere else) Am I being U to expect her to make the effort too? Driving is a pain for everyone, why is it okay for me to always drive but not her?

I have stopped going this year, and now she says she misses us, and misses the dc, but I feel I have had enough, every time I see her all she talks about is herself anyway!

I have lots of other friends who are not like this, and would rather see them.

I would be annoyed too OP. I am having realisations with certain friendships as I’ve has a difficult few months and some friends have been there and some haven’t. Does she worry about the drive as she’d have her DC with her to visit yours whereas to travel for work she wouldn’t? I suppose you have to weigh up how much this bothers you and whether you are willing to lose the friendship over it.

How did you respond when she said she worries about the drive? Did you ask why?

Her dc are 15 and 13, they are not small, so definitely not an issue as she usually takes them with her when she visits or friends and family!

It does bother me a lot, and more to the point she has ignored the conversations around her making more of an effort. When I ask her why the drive here worries her more than the other drives she does elsewhere, she says it is different but I really don't see how! Maybe she means the drive her is optional, and her work isn't.

I have had some very serious stuff happen, and of course she didn't come because she was too busy. I am expected to drop everything for her though in similar circumstances.

Its easier for her to stay at home and let others do the driving, its simple as that really, she is just a abit lazy and selfish I guess.

I think some people are like that tbh. You have told her how you feel and it doesn’t seem like she wants to make a change. Maybe stay friends with her but visit less. Visit / make an effort when you feel like it and that’s it?

I do get where you’re coming from a bit with going through something big and learning who your friends are. I lost a baby at full term earlier this year and I feel very let down by some of my friends. But then there are other friends who have stepped up and those are the ones I plan to concentrate on from now on.

I am so sorry to hear about your baby alice that must have been a truly dreadful time for you. Yes under those circumstances, it is must be as clear as day who your friends are.

I feel the same.

Why bother wasting time with people that really are not there for you when it matters most. Surely the very point of a friend is to be there for you through thick and thin, and not just the fun stuff.

Thank you. It is frustrating and hurtful when our friends aren’t there for us / don’t make the effort. It’s something I’m dealing with too. I think good on you for being honest with your friend. Do you think your friendship will survive?

I think I’d be fine with the one sided visiting part if it was the way the friendship had always been. It sounds as if it’s grating on you though (good on you for raising it) and is accompanied by what I would see as more serious issues - lack of support, only talking about herself etc.
Then again, if you have other friends who DO support you, and you enjoy your long term friend’s company in other ways, perhaps the boxes she doesn’t tick can be tolerated to sustain the friendship. Don’t know. I have friends who talk too much and friends who are less supportive than others and I try to just take it on board. But it sounds as if you’re (understandably) evaluating whether the effort is worth it. How do you feel after you’ve been in her company?

Alice, sorry to hear about your baby

It does seem a bit unfair. Is she exhausted after travelling for work and just wants to stay home?
How about suggesting meeting half way? A 45 minute drive to meet for lunch to catch up isn't that much for either of you.

I think i would try and hold out for her to visit you next time. When the subject comes up, just remind her, it's her turn to come to you, as the last visit was cancelled. Of course, if another visit is arranged and then cancelled, i think you would be reasonable to ask again what her problem is with driving and just let her know you're getting fed up with always being the one driving.
It seems that even if you sucked up the fact you would be the one visiting, it would start to sour the friendship anyway, so it's worth a conversation about it, if it happens again.

Thanks Hairy

I think suggesting meeting half way is a good idea. You could say given that she finds the drive too much perhaps we should meet half way and then neither of us has the long drive. And then if she can’t even be bothered to do that... I think you have your answer!

I feel your frustration OP; when I met my husband he was farming in an area about 45 mins from the nearest town. It was a bit of a drive on single lane, gravel roads - & I had initially felt I was going to the end of the world until I got used to the drive - but I lived out there & did the drive lots, especially as time went on & our family grew. But at the beginning I too had lots of town friends (I had lived in this town most of my life to that time) who came out to see me just once, declared it was such a long way & then told me I just must call in & see them on my (whenever) trips into the town. As time progressed of course & babies came along, this trip often necessitated health visits, kindergarten attendances, farm supplies, groceries & visiting my parents. Sadly some of these friendships didnt last - it is hard when it feels youre the only one making an effort.

I appreciate that it's frustrating for you that she doesn't visit but I'm going to play devils advocate here. It sounds like she drives a lot for her job. It won't be that she has no problem driving to London for work, but that she simply has to because that's what she's being paid to do. I can imagine that at the weekend then, after a week of being in her car for hours on end, the last thing she wants to do is get back in it and do a three hour round trip.

However, it sounds like you're not that into the friendship anymore when you say that she just talks about herself and that you have other friends that you'd rather spend time with and perhaps the driving is just the final thing for you.

Letting go of long term friendships can feel difficult, but you don't have to make a huge gesture about it. You can just ease back and concentrate on the friendships that you feel you are more supported in. I find that these things naturally settle however they will without interference.

My best friend I have known since I was a child stopped seeing me because I was pregnant and didn't take an interest in my baby at all. In fact I saw her down the road and she just said "aww she's cute" , clearly very awkward that she hadn't bothered. Because I was obviously no longer fun to drink with and go down the pub with. I should have realised earlier because I was always her shoulder to cry on and I was always the one making the effort.

Stop making the effort OP just fit in the friends that want to be involved. If you want invite her to things but don't go out of your way. Do it as and when it suits.

Is there anything she might be jealous about. Like with my friend I feel like she resented that I had a baby. Her relationship isn't going anywhere if truth be told I don't think her partner will ever settle down. I noticed it before when I got my first flat she never visited well hardly ever. I'd rather have no friends than friends like these. Concentrate on the good ones. God knows it's hard enough to fit everyone in when you have kids and other commitments.

I agree, she is less invested in the friendship than you. I would say that you will be alternating from now on. If she keeps cancelling when it's her turn then you need to downgrade the friendship.

Not Excusing your friend, but because she has to drive for work, doesn't means she likes driving. At the moment I'm the one in this house who has to drive, no one else has a licence or is medically unfit, and its wearying. I actually HATE driving.

It may be as simple as she likes to host. Maybe she thinks it gives you a break if you aren't doing the organising?

But this is your pivotal comment - I have had some very serious stuff happen, and of course she didn't come because she was too busy. I am expected to drop everything for her though in similar circumstances. - you bother, she doesn't.

If you aren't getting anything from this relationship, then let it die. I never see the point of the whole histrionics of announcing a friendship termination, just let it slide.

Some friendships just run their course and come to a natural end. It can be extremely sad and hard to let go. But you have tried, there's not much more you can do, unless you are happy to let things continue the way they are. (which it sounds like you are not)
I had to let go of a 30 year friendship and tbh I was heartbroken. But I gave the friend every chance, and in the end I felt maybe I had been the one hanging on when the friendship had really run it's course years ago.
It honestly took me a few years to get over it (maybe I'm overly sensitive!!) Worse than any boyfriend break up! We see each other socially now maybe once or twice a year and I'm happier with that. I have other friendships that are much more balanced with no resentment.

I had a friend that would send me cards about friendship etc etc but lacked in actually being a friend.
I noticed I didn't always feel good about myself after spending time with her.
She went to live abroad for a few years and I didn't miss her although we emailed regularly and she continued to label me her best friend etc.When she returned home she said she couldn't wait to meet and I suggested a meet up and she said she needed a week to settle which I accepted, only to find through social media that she had met up with lots of others. Should have trusted my instincts . No longer friends.

I am expected to drop everything for her though in similar circumstances

Expected to? Or it’s just what you do? Very few people will insist everyone runs round after them but never do the same for others. (Despite an apparent plethora of them with posters here all vying for CF of the year status)

What’s more likely is you are holding your friend to your standards of what you think a friends should be. That’s unfair on her.

Yanbu I stopped going to see my mil for the same reasons I get the she doesn’t drive but that doesn’t stop her traveling over to us once in a while.

I thought by stopping that visiting it would force to to come to us but it didn’t and we didn’t see her for ages

I guess I just wanted to see from here if I was being unreasonable to hope for more of a balance. It is good to get different points of view and reasons I had not considered.

How do I feel after I see her? If I am honest, usually angry and drained. Because even if I have some huge problems of my own, we always talk about her problems and issues. It is if mine do not exist. I usually drive away with a feeling of being taken advantage of, we have provided a day of entertainment that sort of thing. I don't linger on that feeling, but I never ever feel light hearted and happy, as I do with other friends. It has been a very long time since I felt that way, or even valued. I feel pretty much like a piece of tired old furniture that has always been there. Abit used I would summarise is the general feeling.

I don't get anything at all out of the friendship, and I haven't done in years. Over the years she has really become one of life's takers. It is hard work. But because she is an old friend I can't seem to let her go.

I would never terminate the friendship in a dramatic way. Just let the visits ease off into nothing was the plan.

I agree with the pp my friends mean far more to me than most things, barring my dh and dc, so it causes anguish.

Freddie that sounds a bit unreasonable. Children should visit their parents, unless they were horrible. I think the onus is on the younger generation, especially if they don't drive.

i disagree it is down to both to make the effort, and not just one side just because they happen to be younger benji

I'm thinking form my experience, when parents get older and find travel difficult. I would rather visit an elderly parent than let them get on a train or coach and struggle with bags etc.