One sided friendship and I am fed up with it.

[onesided]

We have been friends for 30 years plus.
We live an hour and a half away from each other, and have done for the last ten years.

As part of her job she drives to different offices around the country every month or so, and has no problem driving to and from London (over three hours from her house) and yet she has only been here once to visit in ten years.

All the other times I am expected to go there, and I am sick of it. We both have jobs, dc and busy lives. We both live in tourist type areas, so it is equally as nice to visit. I care for my friend, and like seeing her and the dc but why is it always me that has to do the driving around.

I did raise it with her, that I felt the friendship is one sided, that she needs to make an effort too. She then organises a date to come, and cancels a few days before with a weak excuse, and tells me she worries about the drive (despite driving everywhere else) Am I being U to expect her to make the effort too? Driving is a pain for everyone, why is it okay for me to always drive but not her?

I have stopped going this year, and now she says she misses us, and misses the dc, but I feel I have had enough, every time I see her all she talks about is herself anyway!

I have lots of other friends who are not like this, and would rather see them.

What’s more likely is you are holding your friend to your standards of what you think a friends should be. That’s unfair on her.

I think it’s ok to have our own standards and decide whether we are getting what we want or need from a friendship. If we’re not we have a right to spend less time with them and more time with those who make more effort/ are more supportive/ we enjoy spending time with.

@Benjispruce

Freddie that sounds a bit unreasonable. Children should visit their parents, unless they were horrible. I think the onus is on the younger generation, especially if they don't drive.

Why though, she managed to come down and see her other children and grand children who lived approx 30 mins from us.

She chose to move into a one bedroom house 2.30 hours away from us, with one bus in and one out each day (she used to love round the corner) there was know where for is to stay, which was fine before we had dc’s but was too much for them to be traveling regularly. It’s a tourist place so hotel is quite expensive.

I never expected her to drive down to us every other time but maybe 1 on 4. She didn’t visit once in 7 years even though she was invited.

*Benjispruce

I'm thinking form my experience, when parents get older and find travel difficult. I would rather visit an elderly parent than let them get on a train or coach and struggle with bags etc.*

I do sort of agree with this, but she is in now way elderly, she goes on holiday quite a lot. If she struggled then I would feel differently.
I felt taken for granted tbh.

Is there any chance that your friends simply prefers to host, rather than be hosted? Many people do (although I don't understand why!!).

Or, could you suggest that she comes to you by train? She could leave her DC behind, given their ages, if she thinks train fares are too expensive, although if you book 3 months in advance I don't find them too bad. If you don't live in central London, you could meet her in the station for lunch, shopping, museums etc.

Is there any chance that your friends simply prefers to host, rather than be hosted?

She might but it sounds like OP would prefer to host sometimes too (even if only not to travel)

No I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. I had a very similar experience to Alice and one of my best friends let me down badly when I also lost a baby at full term. She had previously moved 2hrs away and barely made an effort to see me whenever she had an opportunity. I raised it with her and she agreed she had been a crap friend, apologised and promised to change. But she didn’t. I heard from her once for my birthday, a week late. I ended up deleting her from every avenue and never looked back. Her husband since contacted me a couple of times saying she feels terrible. Well that’s her problem! She was the cause of the friendship ending. It sux but some people are takers and flake out when it doesn’t suit them. I’m sorry you are going through it OP. You sound really nice. Just focus your effort on people who reciprocate.

Ihate Your post reflects my situation word for word. I don't have particularly high standards or expectations of friends, I tend to take them as they are and not over think it. I always give people the benefit of the doubt, pretty much about anything, accepting life is hard for most of us. However this friendship is making me feel used. It is making me feel bad about myself. I am old enough to know that this can not be a positive force in my life. Same as Ihate, my friend acknowledges that she been a crap friend (her words not mine) but she never changes, so she can't be that worried about letting me down.

Thank you for all of your posts. I am putting the friendship on the backburner, and I am not arranging nor agreeing to seeing her again, not indefinitely but not in the near future either. I don't really see her as a good friend anymore. Just someone I used to know. I'll continue to send birthday cards etc, but nothing more. Thank you all for helping me make my decision.

I don't get anything at all out of the friendship, and I haven't done in years. Over the years she has really become one of life's takers. It is A good idea to put this relationship on the back burner OP. Sometimes friends can be hard work and that can be OK. We each have stuff going on in our lives, but you shouldn't constantly feel angry and drained after spending time with them. It's supposed to be the opposite.

Life can be challenging enough without having a "friendship" like this. The onus is now on her if she wants to continue in a more positive friendship. Otherwise I'd just let the gaps between you talking/meeting lengthen until there is no contact any more.

Friendships are supposed to be mutually supportive and enriching. Doesn't sound as this is the case here.