How do you teach your child resilience?

[Whatsername7]

Dd1 is almost 8. She is a bright girl and education seems to come fairly easily for her with just a normal amount of effort. She regularly gets 10/10 on tests and spellings after simply completing the learning in the lesson without additional practice. (This is relevant - im trying to explain she doesn't come across daily tasks that require her to put in extra effort to achieve.) She isn't great at sports/dancing/gymnastics but she is at that age where it is all so much fun she thinks she's great because she is involved. However, she has zero resilience when she comes across things she can't do. She gets frustrated quickly, becomes worked up and cries (not in a tantrum way, she just can't cope.) She just gives up really quickly and doesn't seem to have that grit needed to dig in and figure something out. For example, yesterday, she got a bobble stuck in her dolls hair. Within 10 seconds of it being stuck, she asked me to remove it. I said no, told her to look at it carefully and figure it out. She responded with 'I can't, I will need to cut the hair'. I told her she wasn't allowed to cut it and that she needed to untangle the hair slowly and carefully rather than trying to use brute force. She was adamant she couldn't do it and I had to get quite forceful with her to encourage her to try beyond the initial 10 seconds. She eventually did it but got so worked up and ended up sobbing. How do you encourage those resilience skills? I tried explaining to her that I refused to help because I knew she could fix the problem herself if she tried, but she just thinks im mean for making her do something that was 'too hard'.

Forceful? About a bobble in her doll’s hair? To the point of making her cry?

Well, my view is that that’s not how you do it. I would look at putting the doll to one side and telling her to come back to it when she is feeling less frustrated and more patient.

No expert on this but following for ideas.

I try not to praise achievements but how hard she tries at things.

Mine is only 5 and has SEN but a lot of "Keep trying; I know you can do this". Might need to adjust for age / understanding. With the hair thing something like "maybe we could try..."

Reminding her of things she wasn't previously able to do but can now because she kept trying / practicing. It's ok not to be good at everything

Hope you find something that works

When I say 'forceful' I mean that I maintained my refusal to do it for her. I was calm and gentle in the way that I spoke to her, I just didn't give in. Forceful was the wrong word, I meant insistant in ny refusal. She was in tears after the first 10 seconds of trying, before she asked me. She can not cope with not being able to do something instantly because she is so used to being able to do things easily. I did suggest she left it for a few minutes but she didn't want to.

Fair enough. Then I’d say keep doing what you’re doing.

She's only 8 so it's not unusual.

Praise effort not results etc.
Ask for harder spellings she has to work at?

What about learning the piano?

You’ve just described my 5 year old to a tee. He is exceptionally bright, probably around 18 months 2 years ahead of the rest of his class. He is amazing.
Emotionally he is lacking. He has no resilience and 0 patience. Ive had to pull him out of football because I cannot cope with the meltdowns if someone manages to get the ball off him, he can’t take being ‘beaten’. I’m trying to slowly teach him to ride a bike. Little and often but it’s a nightmare. Swimming has been difficult but we have ploughed through that one and the meltdowns are improving.
I’ll be watching this thread with interest xx

My 8yo is very similar to yours. She usually turns that anger on me if I try to help so I tell her calmly that I won't accept that and if she wants my help she must calm down. To be honest, I do the same in terms of urging her to leave it alone for a bit and try and again later. I also have spoken to her directly about how she is fortunate to be so easily able to do many things and learning how to handle a difficult task is v important.

My DD age 9 is similar. I do the same as you and don't do things for her that I know she could do although I would give in if she was especially tired or had had a long day. I think learning an instrument has been beneficial for her perseverance too. I've also noticed that she's much better when I'm not available (e.g swimming class), and has been since a young age, so I think part of it is attention seeking.

Similar here. We always make a big deal of effort and working hard instead of results. We also have to constantly tell and show that WE have to work hard/ have practised to learn things and also share when we make mistakes.

It took my 15 yo DS having a life threatening illness to improve his resilience.

I mean that not as a glib answer, but to say that it's often life circumstances that develop resilience rather than anything you can parent.

My DD has always had more resilience than DS as she has always had to work harder at things to be successful. Once DS had to work harder, he started to understand about tenacity a bit more. I say a bit as I think there's an element of innateness in these things.

No parent would want to create or wish upon awful things to happen to their DC but they are often what create resilience IME.

One positive thing I think you can do as a parent is to role model tenacity on a regular basis, and explain to them and point out why you aren't giving up.

In that circumstance I think I would have said 'oh no let's figure it out together' and made it into a game - you untangle a bit and pass it to her saying it's stuck can you do it? She does a bit then you take over.

Does she spend much time outside? You tend to find that children who spend a lot of time playing in nature develop problem solving skills and resilience follows. I'd consider sending her to guides or forest school as well as taking her out for regular nature walks.

You could also help by giving her more ownership over her stuff. Get her involved in housework and get her used to say washing her clothes - teaches her to take responsibility for caring for her things and that will make her feel proud and happy (even if she moans at the time) and maybe get her into baking/cooking too.

Also Google snowplough parenting.

Glad to know im not alone! She is a keyboard player - been learning for a year and passed initial with a distinction in March. She only has a 20 minute lesson during term and doesn't seem to have to put too much effort into that either. I worry that when she finally comes across something important that she can't do she will crumble.

My DS is still a toddler but it's something i care a lot about and we talk about it a lot in the school where I work. I like the ethos that failing at something, or finding it too hard is not only "OK", it's a necessary and fundamental part of learning. I try to remind my students that if they're getting everything right straight away then I am making it too easy and not really doing my job properly.

@Whatsername7 i was a bit like your daughter. I can distinctly remember bursting into tears because I got 9/10 in a spelling test once. I also really struggled when I got to A Level and University as I hadn't had to try very hard for my GCSEs, so suddenly having to try was a shock!

Being naturally bright as a child definitely has it's drawbacks!

You are doing the right thing!
I teach a practical subject and so many children 'can't do this, can't do that'.
They are scared to attempt things they find difficult because they can't bear to fail.
Praise EFFORT over achievement always. I am very insistent that children attempt a task themselves,

I will guide them or be on hand to help but will not do it for them.
Some get frustrated but the sense of accomplishment they feel when they finally complete the task is amazing ! They practically beam!

In new situations remind her of the effort she put in the last time she thought she couldn't do this or that. What happened? Oh yeh, she kept trying and found out she could.

@CalamityJune thats my worry. She has no idea that it is normal to struggle because she doesn't have to. Yet. I worry that by the time she does she won't have the skills to cope. She is the sweetest kid but I find being her parent a challenge because she leavescme flummoxed at times.

Another thing I say when I get 'I can't do it' is 'You haven't learnt how yet, nobody can do new things easily straight away, You have to practice everything- It gets easier and easier the more you try.'

Taking risks is very good; take risks, learn can succeed at them and that can survive failing them. Encourage managed risk taking. Push her comfort zones, get her into new situations.

Martial arts are good. Teach them to deal with conflict and seeing people handle losing with grace as well as respect for those who try not just those who win.

Our school has a big push on “growth mindset” which is that it’s ok to make mistakes because you learn from them, it’s ok not to be able to do things first time around - you keep practising and keep trying.

When DC get into a flap sometimes I give them a hard stare and declare "Problems have solutions!" Then they have to hang out with me while WE figure out how to solve their difficulty.

I’ll second the growth mindset. Carol Dweck is the leading author - look for her book.
My dd (age 10) is similar. She’s improved as she’s got older. Like yours she finds most academic work very straightforward and also plays the piano. 3 grades (all distinction) in under 3 years - she seems to find that pretty easy too. My recommendation is to try a string instrument!! She plays cello and finds it tricky. Fantastic! Unlike piano where you can press a key and get the right note, with a string instrument there are often several ways to get the same note and you have to be precise with fingering and bowing to get the right sound. We started with many many meltdowns (she expected to be able to pick it up as quickly as the piano) but she’s definitely improved her mindset over it over the past couple of years. Also look to give her lots of encouragement in areas she may find tricky. For my dd that’s social confidence and we work a lot in that area which also helps as she can see progress. Sorry. That’s rather rambly but hope it helps!

This sounds like my dd9. If she can’t do something she has an almighty melt down. Instead of trial and error she thinks that she should be able to do things first time. Yes, she’s very academic, will do her homework without us asking, but if she can’t do something like buttering her bread to make a sandwich she’ll fly off the handle.

DS is exactly the same age, his school report says he’s exceptionally able. In many ways he’s the same as your DD, but I found that team sports have helped enormously. He loves football and has learned over the past year that you win some, you lose some (in his team’s case, you lose a lot )
I sometimes worry about what will happen when he finds school work difficult but the team sport has definitely helped him accept things and move on.

I second the string instrument. Ds aged 9 has taken a year just to get the pitch, fingerings and placements right. Violin is all about the journey and effort. Same with dd on the flute. 15 minutes of pure concentration a day and they are beginning to appreciate the hard hard effort to get a decent result.