How do you teach your child resilience?

[Whatsername7]

Dd1 is almost 8. She is a bright girl and education seems to come fairly easily for her with just a normal amount of effort. She regularly gets 10/10 on tests and spellings after simply completing the learning in the lesson without additional practice. (This is relevant - im trying to explain she doesn't come across daily tasks that require her to put in extra effort to achieve.) She isn't great at sports/dancing/gymnastics but she is at that age where it is all so much fun she thinks she's great because she is involved. However, she has zero resilience when she comes across things she can't do. She gets frustrated quickly, becomes worked up and cries (not in a tantrum way, she just can't cope.) She just gives up really quickly and doesn't seem to have that grit needed to dig in and figure something out. For example, yesterday, she got a bobble stuck in her dolls hair. Within 10 seconds of it being stuck, she asked me to remove it. I said no, told her to look at it carefully and figure it out. She responded with 'I can't, I will need to cut the hair'. I told her she wasn't allowed to cut it and that she needed to untangle the hair slowly and carefully rather than trying to use brute force. She was adamant she couldn't do it and I had to get quite forceful with her to encourage her to try beyond the initial 10 seconds. She eventually did it but got so worked up and ended up sobbing. How do you encourage those resilience skills? I tried explaining to her that I refused to help because I knew she could fix the problem herself if she tried, but she just thinks im mean for making her do something that was 'too hard'.

Is this trait in her something you recognise from yourself?

Reading this with great interest because I was very much like your daughter and have found it a mindset that I've found very difficult to shift, and which has really affected me, all my life. I am trying really hard to not pass either this or my anxiety onto DS (still a baby) by being a relaxed parent who is laid-back about mistakes, but it's so hard. I do think modelling is the most important thing, but it takes constant effort. DH pointed out that when I talk to DS I often do it through self-criticism ('oh that's not how you do it, silly mummy! Why did mummy try and do it like that, hey, DS? Stupid mummy') and while it's all very light-hearted it is also constant. And he's a baby, so it's much easier to manage my interactions with him than with an eight year old.

Incidentally the first time I did fail at something big that I cared about was in my mid-20s and it was really, really rough. But I got through it. I think you're right to try and work on it now, but don't build up this narrative in your head that eventually she'll fail and then crumble irretrievably, because that's it's own kind of catastrophic thinking.

@NewAccount270219 Im actually the opposite. Middle ability but worked really hard and suceeded. Never the best but not competative either so ok with it. Frequently failed but learned to dust myself off and get on with it. Dd takes after dh I think.

I'd have cut the bobble out of the hair myself

Encourage her to do things she finds more difficult. So could be going for a long family walk. Not too far for her, but further than she can easily walk so she has to put in effort.
I also think what you are doing by not stepping in is good.
Play board games as a family and don't always let her win. She needs to experience losing.

Spelling and maths are separate skills from emotional intelligence. Emotional maturity doesn't just come with learning, it also takes time. Daniel Goleman's book 'Emotional Intelligence' is on Amazon for a few pounds and would be a good place to start.
You have to work on yourself before you can teach them imo.

@Vulpine then the DD would have learned nothing

I second carol dweck. Also if you google 'growth mindset' you will find lots of info on the type of language to use with your DC to encourage them.

Things like:
I can't do it -- I haven't tried
I'm no good at this -- I might need to practice
It's not working -- I'll try a different strategy
I'm stuck -- I'll ask for advice

I think the key thing is to model yourself 'failing' at things and then using language and showing alternative strategies to overcome the problem. Then keep reminding her of the time you managed to overcome the difficulty and how you did it.

I resemble your daughter I think, and it’s on my mind with my 18 month old!

I had the thing where I came unstuck with perfectionism and long form writing. So I didn’t get an a-level down to not providing the coursework. I never really had to try at other stuff I HAD to do - I would taken exams over coursework any day - and I would ditch the stuff I can’t be doing with.

I think it’s about giving her tools to deal with frustration, in the example you give. Is it resilience to be able to deal with frustration? Probably. I remember getting frustrated trying to thread a needle and literally feeling weak at the knees with frustration at not being able to do it. I always liked untangling things though :)

I think I partly learned to keep a lid on it through a part time job in my teens, where I had to deal with some demanding and challenging customers. In the hope that your daughter learns coping strategies sooner than I did:

Empathise and suggest taking a break : ‘it’s so frustrating when things get tangled up. Why don’t you take a break for 5 mins’
Suggest appropriate safety valve activity and say what you see: ‘I can see you’re feeling quite wound up. I can’t let you cut the dolls hair - would it help to cut up some paper instead?’ (Honestly, I cut up a pair of socks once in a fit of frustration and snipping is quite satisfying)
Affirming words reminding of past successes, and suggest breaking the task up ‘I think you can do this - remember when you thought you couldn’t get up that hill and you just kept going a bit at a time. You can do the same here, let’s look at it and do a bit at a time. We can always come back to it later’