To wonder about if I should complain about the homophobic bullying/ language my son has been subjected to at school yet again

[Sl33pingfox]

15 year old ds is gay. Suffered homophobic bullying at school( physical, verbal and cyber). School were very good and robust in its dealing with it both individually and on a whole school basis. My son received counselling and mentoring as it hit him hard.Low self esteem, anxiety, hating being gay etc.

He is very low at the moment. He is bright and not achieving expected grades in several areas although doing ok ie keeping his head above water and focusing on reaching his high targets with some success.He has also suffered two bereavements this year and has cut himself off from all bar one of his friends( who is also gay). Anyhow he has just told me again how he hates being gay, has low self esteem, is feeling anxious sad etc. Turns out some boys were saying how being gay was unnatural etc in conversation with him and his friend has been pushed out of the way in corridors, told to “ get out of the way you gay......”

Really don’t know what to do. Have told him to go back to the councillor but do I complain to school again too? The homophobic language really gets him down but he is going to sadly have to live with it as it’s everywhere. That said being at school you are a captive audience and children really should be able to grow up feeling confident in themselves.

So tired of this and angry too. I hate seeing him sad and suspect it’s having an impact on his grades and general well-being . School must be a bit weary of it though and it sounds so trivial when it isn’t you as a person who is dealing with language like this.

Emerald he finds the comments worse than the physical bullying he had before.

Being told to get out of the way you gay.... and shut up you’re gay......being gay isn’t natural....just makes him hate being gay and thus himself. He thinks there is something wrong with him.

Go to the school each and every time, it is completely unacceptable for anyone to be subjected to bullying in any form. My children’s schools both have diversity groups set up so young people can go and chat together and support each other, my child has a group of very close friends through this group and has gained so much confidence.

Forgot to add the group is run by a member of staff so they can take back issues and suggestions to the head teacher, it works brilliantly and all the kids involved feel very supported by the school.

I echo what everyone else says, report it every single time . Vile behaviour

Awful that your poor DS is going through this OP.

I've got a gay teen DS so I get it.

There is a background level of shitty treatment in the way teenagers talk to each other sometimes but what you are describing is much, much worse than that.

They're getting at him for who he is, and (by the sound of things) he's not completely come to terms with that himself yet.

If he can't be fierce in his own defence yet, I think he needs to see you being fierce on his behalf.

Let him know that this is completely unacceptable and won't be tolerated, let him know you've got his back and are furious on his behalf - that way you're reinforcing to him that there's nothing wrong with who he is and you completely accept him (which I'm sure you do - you come across as a loving & concerned mum).

The problem in giving him any indication that this is something that just 'goes with' being gay, or something he needs to learn to 'put up' with, is it sort of signals to him that there is something to be ashamed of.

I'm sure you're not saying that to him but tackling this head on - with the school, and the way you talk to him at home - shows him you've got his back.

Hope things get better soon for both of you

Just seen your update and that's it exactly.

Awful that these horrible little shits have made him feel that way, makes my blood boil!

There are things you can do to counteract those messages - my DS has been reading This Book is So Gay by Juno Dawson, talks a lot about bullying and puts it in a historical/political context which can really help.

Good luck xxxx

You’ve summed up Apple exactly how I feel. Thank you so much. Was worried school would think I’m that whining pita parent again. I guess Im tired of it too. Every word you said is exactly right. Will hoik up my warrior mum pants again Monday.

I feel so much for you and your son.

We have been shocked by the casual homophobia that is so pervasive over here, particularly in the school. My daughter is gay. She hasn't been bullied, but it was really getting her down. We emailed the school, and they were really good, made a big deal about how homophobis will not be tolerated at assembly, the teachers discussed it in class, and we were told to tell them of any issues or concerned we had, at any time. It does seem to have got better - or my daughter's got a bit more robust!

There is NOTHING wrong with your son. There is NOTHING wrong with being gay. There IS something wrong with homophobic, bullying bigots who try to make themselves feel big by trying to make others feel small. THEY are the ones who deserve to be made to feel small - preferably by having to stand up and be held accountable for their words and actions in school assembly, and to be told just how very horrible their words and actions are, in very robust terms.

Go warrior mum!!!!

He thinks there is something wrong with him.sad
It is terrible, I think we are under the impression teenager's are more excepting, they're not.
Someone wrote faggot on nephews book, at PE the boys tell teacher he wants to watch them, keep fighting if you can.
Unfortunately for us the bullies come from huge familys, also known for fighting, so when Dsis made a compliant, it got worse.
You need social service etc to home school here do it is all a big mess.
I don't know the answer.

Yes my son had a child he didn’t even know send him a text out of the blue calling him a faggot. Thankfully he screen shot it. I refuse to let his education be as damaged as his confidence so home school not an option. So sorry to hear about your nephew.

You might consider speaking to your local police officers. I don’t see why some of these specimens shouldn’t get a harassment warning. Then if they do it again, they can be prosecuted.

That text counts as hate speech, and the kid that sent it could potentially be in for a world of pain. That is potentially police worthy.

Our school took it very very seriously when I told them "gay" was being used as an insult. The head teacher told me it was hate speech, the same as racist language, and she had to report it to the governors and say how it was being dealt with.
You are not that whiny PITA mum. This is serious language. As PP say, it would get a person fired in the workplace. Definitely complain to the school every single time.

The homophobic language really gets him down but he is going to sadly have to live with it as it’s everywhere.

However, school is a formative environment. The more they get away with it, the more they’ll do it. And the more likely they’ll be to do it as adults out in the wide world.

The bullies need to get the message, loud and clear, that this is not acceptable.

This is so odd in this day and age, but I live in London and no-one bats an eyelid about sexuality at my DC’s school. Schools are really on it re LGBT education too in phse, etc.
Both my DCs have gay/bi friends and think nothing of it.
I would def look at changing for sixth form at least (assume your DS is year 10). And keep on at the school to stamp this out/go to governors.

Go into school every single time, your son doesn't need to accept bullying in any form. Times have changed, thank goodness and while discrimination still happens it has to be dealt with.

I know this sounds impossible but he needs to learn to own it. I used to teach older teens and the ones that had the least problems with their peers were the ones that were totally upfront and proud about being gay. Tough to do though. Easy to say

Get him as much support as possible and all bullying must be tackled. Without exception I'm afraid.

I'd take him to the police station and file charges for homophobic attacks.

I think there was an exclusion for the text and the physical stuff.They had assembles and lessons. Really upset and disappointed that if has started up again. Guess it just hit me that this is it for life for him.

It really isn't it for life. In the workplace homophobia is a sackable offence. Homophobia is also reportable to the police.

There are and will always be bigots, but your son doesn't have to put up with them in formal institutions and once he is out of school he can surround himself with people who accept him for him in his personal life.

Don't let yourself or him think things won't get better.

Shame is a huge issue in the gay community, shame is what leads to us being more likely to suffer mental health problems, eating disorders and substance abuse.

It isn’t trivial and you and your son are not causing problems for the school, the school are causing a problem by allowing hate speech and failing to adequately safeguard pupils. If safeguarding was genuinely a priority this would not be happening.

I was very lucky, when you’re a six foot rugby player you’re generally excluding from homophobic bullying, but witnessing it happening to others is still very damaging.

I’m afraid your sons feelings are fairly normal, find me a gay man under 30 who is genuinely happy being gay, you’ll be hard pushed to.

While he is very shy I would try to encourage him to attend the LGBT group as much as possible, being with like minded people really does make you safer.

There are a few good reads/watches as well, the book straight jacket by Matthew Todd is very good.

I would also watched the documentary linked below that my ex made, it really does reflect the gay experience very well.

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p057nfy7

Things do get better, you do become more resilient, but sadly being gay in a straight world will never be easy.

Thank you for that info, will look that book and the link up.I guess I’m annoyed that I keep having to do this. The parents of the other kids carry on oblivious whilst I’m forced to fight his corner and be the pita parent. I’m annoyed too that we raised him to be proud of who he is and that others have taken it away from him.

Like PP have said, complain every single time.

I'm in an odd position of having to answer back to my father who posts homophobic stuff on Facebook, often in replies to something I've posted so my friends can, and do, see it. I've started calling him out and he replies that he's just winding me up, or baiting me because he knows he'll get a reaction. Maybe so, but I'm having those comments associated with me and not speak up. For full disclosure, while not LGBTQ+ myself, I play a sport that's very inclusive and I fully support my friends and teamates that are.

The homophobic language really gets him down but he is going to sadly have to live with it as it’s everywhere

Please don't let this idea creep in and start affecting how you respond. He should not have to live with it. It's a hate crime.

If you feel low about the idea he could be dealing with homophobic abuse for the rest of his life, goodness only knows how he must feel about that idea.

I don't know about you, but my employer would never permit staff to behave like this in the workplace.

Besides which, it is a police matter.

Show him by going to battle for him with the school that he does not have to learn to live with being abused for who he is and he won't spend the rest of his life being treated this way.

If the school were safeguarding him properly you wouldn't need to keep on their case, but until they do, you will. It's their failure to act that's the problem, not you holding them to account.