If your child is overweight...

[WhoAmIToTellYou]

... do you tell them that? How do you approach the issue?
My son is 10 and on 98th percentile according to nhs bmi calculator. He is definitely overweight, i can see that.

How do you approach that? I ask because i feel at 10 they can be spoken to about it quite openly but i had a chat with him and he cried. At that age, are we supposed to make changes without them knowing or is it ok for them to know they cannot e. g. Jam on toast for breakfast because of their weight?
I’m affraid i might have been too brutally honest with him. I focused on health and explained that excess weight causes issues ling term and spoke about the need to reduce carb intake (he loves carbs) and increase activity levels. Is that the right approach? I feel like shit but he cannot carry on like that.
I had eating disorder stemming from being a heavy child so my perception is skewed. Was i too harsh? How is the correct way of handling this?
I’m not around to control what he eats at school or childminder’s, am i right in pointing out foods that make him overweight? Are they too young for that stuff at 10?

No expert but I think that the best way to go about it would be to put the whole family on a health kick - dont specify that it's for him.

Totally but the impossible battle is with my DH- numerous talks but he still buys crap and gives them treat every night after collecting ds (and his much smaller appetite sister) from childminder’s... So they get kinder egg/ice cream etc before i manage to get home to stop it:( So frustrating...:(

I think the issue is with your husband more than your son! Id deal with that first.

Well I think you've approached correctly. Ten...he knows he's overweight by this age and you've been honest about why he should change things.

Regarding his Dad...one Kinder egg a night does not an overweight child make.

Both my children have a sweet item or pack of crisps a day but it's one...and we don't buy biscuits or icecream except occassionally.

Look very carefully at your meals and what snacks he's eating...also drinks.

What typical meals is he having? SNacks? Is he having portions which are too big? That's a common problem.

Well you’re never going to succeed if your husband isn’t on board so that’s the first thing you need to tackle. It’s a very hard balance to strike. I had an eating disorder due to my mother being obsessed with health, being skinny, not being fat because she was a fat child. I feel so sad looking back, I always thought I was fat and had terrible self esteem when really i was gorgeous and tiny. We’ve had huge falling outs over in now that I’m a mum because of some comments she’s made in front of my kids. I think you have to work hard not to project your own past issues into kids. I think it’s a great idea to focus on it as a family.

I think people hone in on the minutae when it comes to children's weight loss.

You see a lot of "Well MIL always brings him a packet of sweets" comments but the fact is that one pack of sweets or crisps semi regularly doesn't cause a fat child.

Unless OP's not mentioned her DH's habits are worse than a kinder egg each night? Is he constantly buying them crap? Or is it that one item per night?

As I said before, my DC have something like that around every other day and both are skinny.

That's because they walk a mile to school, participate in sports and I feed them only whole foods....breakfast of porridge or fruit, lunch is healthy and fresh as is dinner.

I don't think you approached it right at all. As the parent you are responsible for what food is in the house and what he eats. He can't buy his own food. You, the parents, should work on a balanced diet for the whole family, not single DS out and say he can't have jam on toast but everyone else can.

You can certainly discuss the letter with DS and talk to him about diet. What foods does he like? Can they be worked in to a balanced diet?

My mother took your approach, singling me out, making me eat different to family. All that did was teach me poor eating habits and lead to major food issues. Instead, all that needed to be done was to maintain the weight I was at (early maturing, tall) and everything would have been fine and no food issues developed.

And don't start the carbs are bad rubbish either. No food is bad when eaten in moderation. Just look at the food pyramid and work out a healthy balanced diet incorporating all food. Find a sport / outside activity he likes doing and do that. Hell, get him to come along when you walk the dog (if you have a dog). Go cycling on the weekends as a family, go hiking etc.

I don't think you should speak to him about it. You do need to do more exercise as a family. Go swimming on a Saturday. A long walk on Sunday. Walk to and from school. Get him to play in the garden and football. Sped a couple of hour in the park and don't take snacks. Make him a healthy packed lunch and healthy dinner. Have ice pole not ice cream, a piece of fruit instead of a smoothie, some carrots and houumos instead of a sandwich. All easy swaps. You husband does need to stop giving daily treats though it's not at all necessary.

“My mother took your approach, singling me out, making me eat different to family. All that did was teach me poor eating habits and lead to major food issues.”

This was me too, it just made me eat more at school. Eating healthier as a whole family would definitely have helped.

You need to tell your DH he needs to STOP immediately, When I was young I put a stone on every year till I was 14 because my DM would give me large portions and money to buy sweets from the shop on the way to school 🤷🏻‍♀️

It really effected me and I swore I would never let my DC become over weight.

If they need a snack find something they will enjoy low in calories, not chocolate and sweets, limit that to once at weekend so he has something to look forward to.

@k1233 my mum did this too, she didn't want me to fat like she was. Weekly weigh ins, scolded if I hadn't lost weight, was told she couldn't have a fat daughter.

I binged in secret whenever I could, have an extremely disfunctional relationship with food as an adult and I've never been a healthy weight.

OP it's done now, I would try and focus on making the changes for all your family.

Your DH and child minder need to be on board. Do you have takeaways and eat out? Activity levels need to be upped. Cycling, walking, swimming. Unless he's encouraged to do this he won't lose weight. I agree with other posters, my kids both have treat after school but are both slim.

I would be very angry with my husband

No a kinder egg does not make a child overweight if everything else is fine, but the whole act of food rewarding from him when you have explicitly stated a change is needed in your sons health interest is so wrong.

Why does your DH not want to get onboard? Does he not agree your son is too heavy or does he likely be seen as the one who provides treats whilst nasty mean mum denies them?

Explain to your DS that the WHOLE family needs to become more aware of how they eat and fuel their bodies.
Get active as a family
Make healthy choices part of normal life and teach kids to snack less and that hunger isn’t a bad thing- feeling hungry before a meal is normal and correct.

Snacks are a huge issue in modern life.
Everyone grazes and munches so much throughout the day we have lost the ability to wait for mealtime and cope with being hungry.

Your DH is an arse I’m sorry. But you won’t why this sorted without him on board and not just because of the odd kinder egg but because he needs to join you in modelling good behaviours around food.

Him sneaking them treats teaches them sugary food is something to see as forbidden but wonderful and will create huge issues going foreards.

And also agree with other posters - don't have a go at him. Presumably someone has given him whatever it is that is making him overweight and that is what needs to be challenged. He's not really to blame.

My son is 12 and I had a talk with him. I told him it’s nothing to do with ‘looks’ but health. Told him I think he’s the bees knees but that HE needs to make better choices and he got angry and said he eats the same as everyone else so I pointed out that he’d had 3 milkshakes when he was out with my friend that day and I’m just asking him to be mindful that that’s about 800 calories just on milkshakes. I told him how it could effect his heart etc and just how much I love him and think he’s great but to try and think more for his own sake. He did agree. He’s lost some weight. I still have to remind him sometimes (when he’s shovelling in fistfuls of popcorn). Good luck!

I'll add, I look at pictures of me back then and I wasn't fat - i just had an adult body at 12 yo 5'6" 55kg. First bra was a C cup. I developed early.

But my mother's attitude set me up for a lifetime of bad eating. I'm only now (last three months) eating more than once a day.

Mother was comparing me to my older sister who was 10-15 kg lighter and herself at 60 kg

What she failed to take into account was the fact I was taller than all of them ...

I think sometimes you just have to be honest. They just dont get It otherwise. And its great easier to prevent it going on too quickly as they get older and grow than it is to spend your whole life trying to loose it as a teen/adult.

I would be having a word with my dh too.

All this "well one C a day wont make them.fat" well it's never just one X. Theres always a justification for it. When everyone in the family thinks something is "just one..." its surprising how much extra stuff they can end up eating.

Sarah sometimes an overweight child is being given adult portions of food at meals.

My sister was doing this and never realised. HEr children had no more junk than mine (hardly any) but her youngest two were being given portions which matched my sister's and her big teenage son's.

They were twins aged only 7 at this point and both were overweight.

As soon as she realised, she made them smaller portions and they both lost weight right away.

My mum made comments on how much I was eating from the age of 11. I have had binge eating disorder since that age. I wasn't overweight until my late 20s.
That said, she had/has major food issues.
It's left me with a horror of the idea of telling children they are overweight. If one of my children became overweight, I'd try everything I could to change habits subtly over time, without commenting on weight.

My mother sat me down at 11 and we discussed diet. It was couched in terms of health, as you have done, and making the right choices to fuel my body.

I was dancing 4 times a week, plus school sports teams and PE, so she talked about active days Vs sedentary days, and putting in the "right amount of fuel".

She never weighed me, or shamed me, just asked me to think about the choice I was making. We had access to junk food and sweets, but as a family we emphasised moderation. I never had a disorder or binged.

I think you've made an important first step, and it was the right thing to do.

I have a bit of the same issue with my dd - 12. She put on a lot weight since she started year 7. She went a bit overboard with the food on offer at school. I had an honest conversation with her and we changed our ways : I don’t buy any craps anymore so no temptations, she is on packed lunch but I do my best to keep things interesting. No money so not buying crap before or after school. She is allowed a treat once in a while. She lost 8 pounds so far and her confidence is growing back. I told her that once she is within a normal weight for her height : we’ll go on a massive shopping spree

Sarahsometimes an overweight child is being given adult portions of food at meals

I think grandparents are worse for this. The same parents who told you as kids no, that's needed for tomorrow. Or no you can't have a snack dinner is in an.hour. are now the same people who think.its great a child has a.massive plate full and buys them shed loads of sweet

Sarah definitely. I had next to no sweets or biscuits/crisps as a child....but my Mum, bless her...kept bringing my DC massive bags of sweets and huge cakes. I had a word and she changed it for strawberries and other nice fruit/