If your child is overweight...

[WhoAmIToTellYou]

... do you tell them that? How do you approach the issue?
My son is 10 and on 98th percentile according to nhs bmi calculator. He is definitely overweight, i can see that.

How do you approach that? I ask because i feel at 10 they can be spoken to about it quite openly but i had a chat with him and he cried. At that age, are we supposed to make changes without them knowing or is it ok for them to know they cannot e. g. Jam on toast for breakfast because of their weight?
I’m affraid i might have been too brutally honest with him. I focused on health and explained that excess weight causes issues ling term and spoke about the need to reduce carb intake (he loves carbs) and increase activity levels. Is that the right approach? I feel like shit but he cannot carry on like that.
I had eating disorder stemming from being a heavy child so my perception is skewed. Was i too harsh? How is the correct way of handling this?
I’m not around to control what he eats at school or childminder’s, am i right in pointing out foods that make him overweight? Are they too young for that stuff at 10?

Such a tricky one. I often wonder if us food lovers as children are doomed forever to have issues. My mum had the chat with me and she was nice about it, and I just binge ate in secret. I wanted food and got it. I think what would have worked for me would have been her feeding us all healthier meals and taking us out more for exercise, without saying anything specifically to us. Just making that our new 'norm'.

I love food and have to control myself every day.

It's a really tough line to tread, and a complete lac of support from professionals. My DD put on 10kg at age 10 due to very high dose steroids (she had drips in hospital, then she was taking 70mg at home for a while before tapering off after a few months). A referral to a dietician was a waste of time as their advice was so woolly.

I think you do need to look at portion sizes, the kinder surprise is 111 calories a day so 555 a week, it all adds up. If it is his only treat food then it is fine, but not if he is having other things too.

Talking about nutrition, preparing meal plans and meals together, sticking to 100 calorie snacks (I do this as an adult) and making long term changes. It is so easy to overeat in this society without really realising it.

Well done for trying to make changes to help him.

People can be genetically predisposed to put on weight more easily. On my husband’s side all the boys were chubby until adolescence. My son got fed up with being the fat one in class and not being able to do as well at sport so at 13 put himself on a healthy eating plan and exercised and lost a lot of weight. But at 15 he still has to be really strict with his eating - most of
his skinny mates eat an astonishing amount of food and he’ll never be able to do that without piling on the pounds.
We do have healthy food in the house but he’d eat a bowl of cereal for a snack every day and loved carbs - he wasn’t stuffing his face with sweets. I had talked to him but he had to be ready within himself. He knows what he has to do and accepts that he’s not as lucky as some of his friends.
Your son needs to be motivated from within. All you can do is be supportive and encouraging. But the whole family eating healthier can only help everyone, without singling him out.

It is hard though. My 12 year old is definitely a bit on the bigger side. I’m not, his dad isn’t, and my 17 year old isn’t either. The thing is, he likes his food a bit too much, and isn’t too interested in sports. The advice is always about exercising as a family, but I’m disabled, can’t really walk more than 50 yards, and swimming isn’t recommended either. He goes to his dad one day / night a week, but about 50% of the time they aren’t really doing much either. I’m hoping that like his brother he’ll slim out as he shoots up, and become more interested in fitness as well. But it’s an awkward age to know what to say or not say..

Both my DC were slightly overweight at 8 and 10
I talked to them about what we could do to eat more healthily as a family and how we could find other treats and rewards that didn’t involve food
We agreed that during the week they wouldn’t eat crisps, biscuits, cakes or snacks other than fruit and things like carrot sticks
In return I would take them swimming once a week during the week
On a weekend they could have a more relaxed diet and I would take them on a more expensive outing (with the money we’d saved on snacks etc) providing it had some element of exercise eg water park, go ape, trampolining or even just a day out that also involved adventure playground or walk as part of the day - NT or English heritage often are quite child friendly in this way
I wasn’t overweight myself at the time
as a lone parent with little money it worked for us

Thank you all for sharing your experiences.
I held back from talking to DS for a long time and always stressed health aspect. Yesterday however i freaked out when he stepped on a scale (not a regular thing at all, i dont do weigh ins!) and he’s put on 4kg (~9 pounds!) in the last 3 months or so. And he is not tall...
I unfortunately dont have much control over his food as Mon-Fri he has breakfast at home and the rest at school/childminder’s. I keep breakfasts healthy but that’s a small drop in the ocean. At school dinner ladies encourage (too strongly) them to eat all on the plate and he says they put quite a lot on it. We spoke about it and i assured him he doesnt have to eat all- if there is a problem I will be going to school to talk to whoever is in charge.
At childminders they have lunch type food for dinner and that’s not helpful as quite often i hear it is sandwiches, crisps and stuff like that. There is a reason why she doesn’t do dinners- she does dinners with kids at lunchtime as not much time to get all in the evening. I don’t feel i can force the childminder to change the routine and she is awesome in every other way. But i’m thinking of having a chat with her or even providing fruit that i know my son will be happy to eat.
My husband is the most difficult part here probably as he agrees to all i say when we talk about it but then just carries on. So frustrating. Our relationship is not great but that’s a separate topic altogether.
I am going to get myself a bike so that in the evenings when husband is putting daughter to bed me and ds can go for a ride. Went to look at bikes today and will be getting one asap.
Ds does trampolining 1x week, im looking to increase that to 2x. Swimming 1x week. No significant weight issues on either side of family. No health issues that would make him put on weight. He does however have big apetite and can eat adult portions (and even ask for more 30 mins later). He was always on the heavier side although was born borderline low weight. Breastfed for 6 months exclusively. The cause for being overweight that i can see is the amount of food he eats. And dh being oblivious to portion sizes. And too lazy to cooperate.

I find this very stressful, brings back all the stuff i thought i left behind. I would never chastise him for being the way he is or do weigh ins. I want him to lose weight, be healthy and happy and am trying my best to navigate all of this.

Can you meal prep and give it to the child minder for her to heat up? Some proper whole food, home made meals?

Chicken with seasoning/home made marinade. Veg and good carbs like grains, pulses, rice, sweet potato, quinoa. Really easy to prep and heat up at the childminders.

Also encourage him to recognise when he's actually full and not keep eating until his plate is cleared. (Ignoring the school cooks of course).

Also not sure if this has already been mentioned but does he have any interest in trying a new hobby? Something active that you can encourage him to go to a few classes to see if he wants to continue the activity?

I don’t think you’ve taken the right tact at all. My mum did the same to me at that age and not only has it not helped me be a healthy weight as an adult, it led to secretive eating and probably fucked any chance of me having a health relationship with food.

Carbs are not the bloody enemy either. Calories in must be less than calories out. How you get those calories doesn’t matter in terms of energy balance, although for micro and macro nutrients it’s obviously preferable to have a balanced diet than 1500 cals of crisps.

BuntyCollocks, once your mum had that chat- what could she have done or said to rectify things? Anything? Is there something i could say or do to minimise the chance of him having unhealthy relationship with food?

I disagree re the kinder egg.

I think some processed foods (and yes these are usually carbs) can lead to overeating and cravings - I don't know if it's the artificial sweeteners or the salt / sugar / fat ratio but we all know there are some processed snacks that are very moreish and increase your appetite. In a situation where you want DS to lose weight they are best avoided.

Also if you get used to the taste of processed foods chances are you will find fresh food, especially vegetables, very unpalatable. If you want to instil healthy eating habits long-term vegetables are going to play a key role.

So I would replace those daily processed snacks with fresh foods. Yes by all means have a kinder egg but maybe once or twice a week instead of every day.

Had the same issue as you OP - DS1 put on quite a bit of weight when he was about 11-12, had quite a bit of a belly on him when he was about 12-13 - so I had a chat with him, was honest that he had gained weight (to be honest, I think children are very much aware when they’ve gained weight/are bigger than their friends!) and we all agreed, as a family to focus more on health/fitness/building muscle - rather than anything to do with ‘weight loss’ or dieting/restricting his food. Admittedly I did make changes to our diet as a family - brown rice, chicken, no pizza/very little junk etc. and we all became healthier as a result. He wasn’t singled out and we didn’t mention his weight beyond the initial discussion we had about it, we just kept it low key. DS didn’t really start to slim down until about 14, when he had a big growth spurt. He’s now 17 and a healthy weight.

I know lots of people don’t subscribe to this theory, but is it possible that your DS has gained weight before a growth spurt? DS1 did quite a bit of swimming and a fair few of the other children there looked a bit rounder around age 12-13. (I know your DS is 10 though...)

I agree 100% with Bunty. I was a slightly overweight child, and talking to me led to secretive eating. Weight has always been a struggle for me, but I had to come to terms with it on my own.

One of my children also was overweight. I never said a thing to him. I increased his activity rather than cut his food. My children did get unhealthy snacks, but not daily, we didn’t eat dessert, and their diets were healthy.

As a teen, my son slimmed down in his own.

I don’t think every overweight child will slim down on their own, but focusing on their weight will more likely than not have negative effects-secret eating, self loathing and self esteem issues.

I suggest a healthy breakfast such as eggs and fruit. You can’t control his other meals, so ensure he gets a lot of exercise. Perhaps you can go for a long walk together before bedtime.

I focused on activity, and I think that helped my son as a teen.

There are studies that suggest overweight children are “clumsier” and slower, physically, than normal weight children. I think that’s a chicken/egg situation. As a teen, my son became involved in American style football. The training, particularly the footwork, made him very agile. So consider that as well.

Finally, if he eats before bed, stop that over time.

Your son is 10 years old. You buy the food. I'm assuming he had no disposable income of his own to buy snacks or fast food. He eats what you give him.

rolling, did you deal with weight as a child, or with overweight children?

I assume no, as it’s not really that simple.

I had a completely open conversation with my dd in yr 6. It was actually brought on by a visit to the GP for something unrelated. I asked if my dd could be weighed, and he said she weighed more than expected and referred to dietician.
Dietician was extremely helpful, spoke directly to dd about what habits needed to change. Aim was to maintain weight as she grew, but she actually lost 4 kg in a couple of months, and is very sensible about food ongoing.
The experience was empowering for her and she takes care of herself by exercising regularly too.

I think my dd is used to me being fairly brutally honest about life, but even so, getting the HCP’s to be the ones giving the message turned out really well.

OP, I would recommend making a GP appointment with your DH and DS; getting someone from outside the family to talk about it was really helpful to us.

I don’t think you have guaranteed that your son will develop an eating disorder just because the conversation upset him, but be kind, and make the changes at home with the minimum of fuss.
Does he still need a childminder? Soon he will be at secondary, so you could potentially take control of that area .
Good luck! Sounds like your heart is in the right place

I feel for you- immy kid was obese at 10, we had to be honest and I constantly lectured him on the effects of obesity later in life, which I’ve seen to the full as I’m a former paramedic.
I also reassured him that his teens years should be fun and it helps your confidence and energy if you’re healthy. Eventually nagging paid off, I let him change his own habits in his own time he’s now a CrossFit champion for his age group and has done expeditions etc... not trying to brag I’m just reassuring you that it can be done, and I wish you luck. It’s hard to do but they have to realise themselves the risks and we can only do that by educating them. Xx

Could you do packed lunch instead? Definitely speak to school if not about portion sizes at canteen. Have you told childminder?

@Winterlife I was very overweight as a child and it was absolutely because of the food my mother put in front of me.
I usually had cornflakes for breakfast, jam sandwiches for lunch and a big plate of chips for dinner. There were no vegetables or fruit in the house. If I was hungry I was given biscuits. I had school dinners during term time but in the 60s they were fairly grim.
Where else does a 10 year old get food from?

Obviously some children have medical issues which cause them to be overweight but the OP hasn't said this is the case.

I ate exactly what my sisters ate, even the same, or smaller portions.

My son, also overweight as a child, ate exactly what his siblings ate-typically an egg or fruit for breakfast, a sandwich, carrot sticks or celery, and grapes for lunch, milk and fruit after school, and a portion of carbs (pasta, potato, or rice), a low carb vegetable, salad, and meat for dinner.

In both my case and my son’s, we were overweight, our siblings were not.

Metabolism does play a role. It’s not ALL the mother’ fault.

PS My son lost all his weight when he took up sports seriously. Before then, he was as active as his siblings, he skated, skied for 2-3 hours every day all winter (mid November to April where I live), and went for at least two walks every day from the time he was 2. He definitely has a lower metabolism than does his brother.

OP can you have another chat with him and say you're sorry you upset him, but you want the whole family to get fit and healthy. That it's not about him but about all of you improving your lifestyle? Get ideas from him about how he'd like to increase exercise levels, and active things he'd like to do as a family? Discuss healthy food you can all eat together etc?