Husband Doesn't want a second child

[Belfield]

Hi, I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. I am 41 and have one DC who is almost 9. My DH is 44. Before we married we didn't discuss how many children we would have because we both took the view that we would see how we took to parenthood. I was happy with this but knew once DC was born that I would love a sibling for him and that I loved being a Mum. My DH on the other hand, whilst being a good father and loving our DC,is happy with just the one. He wasn't hands on when DC was a baby but is hands on now. His reasoning is that I had a difficult pregnancy and was induced early with our DC needing to spend a week in neonatal unit. All is fine now but DH was very anxious about it all. There were financial difficulties also when DC was young but after DH re-trained and I got a better job this was all sorted. We discussed it from when DC was two to when he was four but husband was against. I couldn't let it go so we did agree to try when DC was five and after two years we did get pregnant but unfortunately miscarried. My DH is still saying he is okay with a second child but avoids the deed around ovulation time which is his passive aggressive way of saying he doesn't want a child. He wasn't upset when I had the miscarriage (I was devastated). I know feel that due to my age and that he clearly does not want to have a second child I have to accept it but just don't seem to be able to do so. Am I being unreasonable by not accepting my DH's position? Our DC is happy and balanced and we do ensure he has other children around to take account of the fact he is an only child. He has never asked for a sibling. My husband if from a different country where small families are very common so he can't see what the problem is with our small unit. I would love the opinion of anyone who has been in this position and how you moved forward without resentment.

YABVU.

he does NOT want a child. You cannot force an unwilling party into parenthood. How would you feel if the situation was reversed - if you didn't want a child, and your partner tried to impose one on you against your will?

I think you need to respect his feelings and decision. His reasons seem quite sound.

Also your child is 9. There would be a huge age gap if you did have a second child. Your child would be becoming a teenager with a baby/toddler in the house. So you're hardly providing a sibling for him to play with/bond with etc.

Life, like everything, is about compromise. Personally, I would get an adorable puppy and let your broodiness loose on him. It's not on though that he didn't support you when you had a miscarriage. I think you'd be better off opening communication with him rather than asking people on mumsnet.

Sorry OP, but you need to respect your DH's decision and move on.

Well, what is the alternative if you don’t ‘accept’ it? You split up your existing family to try and get pregnant with someone else? You trick him another pregnancy?

Neither of those are going to give you the life you want, which is a happy family of mum, dad and two kids.

You need to get over your desire for another child and be happy with what you have. I’m sorry if that’s harsh, but that is the truth. You might want to try some counselling to work through your feelings.

My husband is from a different country where small families are very common so he can't see what the problem is with our small unit

There'a a problem with your thinking right there.

It implies there is something wrong with a family that is just two adults and one child. There isn't.

His thinking and reasoning seems perfectly valid. Yours seems skewed.

Yes I think YABU, not in the way you feel but you shouldn't force another child on him if he doesn't want one. It's really hard but maybe try one final conversation on it together to figure out how to move on together through it.

I feel for you OP, as it’s very difficult for you in this position.

Resentment is something that grows because you feed it. When you notice yourself feeling this way, consciously make an effort to refocus on the fact that he’s a good man, you love him, he’s entitled to make this decision. Don’t torture yourself with the ‘what ifs’ of how it could otherwise have been, but teach yourself to focus on the happiness you have. With time, you will be able to move past this

Thanks for the replies. It is good to get others perspective. I think I will have to let it go and respect DH's position. It is just very difficult for me to do so. I think also Coastalwave makes a good point about the age gap being quite big. Maybe I could try counselling to try process it. i am quite easygoing by nature and tend to go with the flow about most decisions which means things tend to go DH's way which doesn't bother me but this was something that i really wanted and am just finding it difficult to accept it.

Our DC is happy and balanced and we do ensure he has other children around to take account of the fact he is an only child. He has never asked for a sibling

do not assume siblings will be link and Enid Blyton novel, all full of love and joy. They arent. Your son is 9, so nearly 10? and almost at transitions stage to secondary. It is half a generation difference. They will have nothing in common - I know - there is that age gap with myself and my sibling. We have nothing in common, not even brought up in the same town (parents moved) no shared schooling or memories. In fact he left home ASAP to go into the military and I dont rememeber him until I was 14.

Both of us quite liked being an only child.

And I dont want to be appearing rude - but your age is where problems begin to occur. I wouldnt take the risk of having a child with a disability of some soert, which will undoubtedly fall to your elder son when you and DH pass away. That is the harsh reality of life.

www.healthline.com/health/pregnancy/having-a-baby-at-40#risks

Is pregnancy at 40 high risk?

Due to advances in technology surrounding fertility, pregnancy, and delivery, it’s possible to safely have a baby at age 40. However, any pregnancy after age 40 is considered high risk. Your doctor will monitor you and the baby closely for the following:

high blood pressure — this may increase your risk of a pregnancy complication called preeclampsia
gestational diabetes
birth defects, such as Down syndrome
miscarriage
low birth weight
ectopic pregnancy, which sometimes happens with in vitro fertilization (IVF)

How does age affect fertility?

Advancements in fertility technological have been a driving force in the increase in women waiting to have children. Some options available to women include:

infertility treatments, such as IVF
freezing eggs when you’re younger so that you can have them available when you’re older
sperm banks
surrogacy

Even with all of these options available, a woman’s fertility rate does decrease significantly after 35 years of age. According to the Office on Women’s HealthTrusted Source, one-third of couples after the age of 35 experience fertility issues. This may be attributed to the following risk factors that increase with age:

fewer number of eggs left to fertilize
unhealthy eggs
ovaries can’t release eggs properly
increased risk of miscarriage
higher chances of health conditions that can impede fertility

Am I being unreasonable by not accepting my DH's position?

You have no choice, well you do, you could leave your husband.

Your husband should have a vasectomy, then he knows he is protected.

My two DS are 19 and 17 and have never been close. They hardly talk to each other. Either one of them would have been happy to be an only child. Be happy with what you have as there is no alternative apart from leaving your DH and having a child with someone else.

The problem is that neither of you is wrong - you want a baby and could fit it in to your life and home, he doesn't want another or at best is "meh" about it. The problem is that you are equal and opposite so the only 3 ways this can be resolved is either of you compromise or go your separate ways.

I am in the same boat as you, we have agreed that if we win the lottery we will have another. It probably won't happen therefore and it does make me very sad.

I desperately wanted another dc, dh didn't.

How do you move on without resentment? You accept he absolutely has the right to not want a second child and the situation is not his "fault". As soon as you go down the path of framing it as he will not allow you/give you/is stopping you having a second child then the resentment does creep in and your marriage and enjoyment of the child you do have is impacted.

It's so hard when both parties of the marriage feel so differently about something so momentous.

Even before having DC1 me and DH had said we'd only have one child due to a health problem I had which made pregnancy risky for me and the baby. Both myself and the baby were unscathed so it strengthened our resolve to count ourselves lucky that we'd had a healthy baby and to stick with just the one child.

However, when he was about 12 months old I started longing for another baby. As the months passed my feelings grew stronger and so I decided to talk to my DH about it but he firmly said that he didn't want another, we'd agreed on one and nothing had changed for him. Every few months I would raise the subject again, but always in a light hearted, jokey manner and he continued to make it clear that he didn't want a second baby.

However, after about a year I realised that I needed to sit down with him and have a serious conversation with him about how I felt. It was a really emotional conversation, I found myself quite tearful a few times and DH had said it was the first time he'd actually realised just how important it was to me that we had another baby and he then agreed to TTC.

Our youngest is now almost two and I'm desperate for a third but when my husband said no (unsurprisingly) I accepted it and didn't mention it again. He's since had a vasectomy which I ended up feeling quite low about and I still feel sad when I think about how I will never get my third baby, but I has to accept his stance.

I can see why your partner may be hesitant....you will have a very big age gap, the chances of something being wrong with the baby are much higher and with him being 44 I can see why he wouldn't want to start all over again, especially as it could take over a year to get pregnant again.

I don't know what the answer is because neither of you are being unreasonable or doing something wrong - both of your feelings and emotions are valid and sadly there isn't any middle ground to meet on.

The desire to have a baby is so, so strong though so I empathise with you about how much you must be struggling with his decision.

If my DH hadn't agreed to TTC for a second baby then I know I would have resented him for it. Maybe resent is the wrong word, but I would have found it very hard to move on from and I think a part of me would always be hurt about the fact he'd denied me something I had so desperately wanted.

You will have a ten year old in your 50's when you should be looking towards retirement.

Move on.

Your husband should have a vasectomy, then he knows he is protected

What a shitty thing to say to a woman struggling to come to terms with a massive decision she can’t control but has huge implications for her, you asshole.

I'm in a similar position OP. DH and I are early 30s but I would love another child whereas he doesn't. He says he doesn't know if he ever will so I don't know if he may change his mind or not.
It's difficult to accept that I may not have another child, but I want my life with DH and DS. I won't compromise on that. I don't need a second child, DS is well adjusted (so far) so it's all wants ATM.
I'm hoping I can move forward with this too. Good luck

Ahh yes I forgot. On here only the women is right. You see posts all the time on here berating the men and saying what did they expect. The suggestion that is if he doesn't want more children that he do something about it. OUTRAGE.

She can control it. By either accepting, counselling, or leaving her husband.

He can control it by taking responsibility for himself.

That's common sense. Save your outrage for the Fail.

Winterbotty - I am unsure why you are saying only the women are right. Everyone so far appears to be saying I will just have to accept it and are in general supportive of my DH.Your comment about a vascetomy is not in my view common sense. It is actually quite deceitful to do something like that behind a partners back just like it is deceitful to not take contraception without discussion.

My thoughts on this is that with such a big age difference, you would essentially have 2 'only' children.

My comment was aimed at VivienneHolt who decided insults were the way forward.

I wasn't, and wouldn't ever suggest he had a vasectomy behind your back.

Ahh yes I forgot. On here only the women is right. You see posts all the time on here berating the men and saying what did they expect. The suggestion that is if he doesn't want more children that he do something about it. OUTRAGE.

The issue isn’t the suggestion of him having a vasectomy, it was you saying he needed to do it to ‘protect’ himself from OP, as though she was suggesting lying and ‘trapping’ him by falling pregnant. Nothing in her OP suggested she would ever behave that way, and it was a shitty insinuation to make. I think you should be ashamed of such a cruel jibe when OP is distraught but asking for advice on how to move forward in a healthy way.

The age gap would be huge and honestly at 41 you will get to a stage in 10 years where it could be the sibling the younger one looks up to as the role model adult instead of you, as you’ll be too old. That has it’s advantages and disadvantages.

Sorry for your loss. It must have been especially difficult to grieve your miscarriage when your husband didn't feel anything like the same way.

YANBU to feel the way you do, you are perfectly entitled to your feelings of wanting a second child and disappointment about not having one. I expect you know very well that it wouldn't be fair to have another when your husband doesn't want one - it sounds as if you just need to come to terms with it. I definitely think counselling would be a good idea for you, especially in light of this comment:

" i am quite easygoing by nature and tend to go with the flow about most decisions which means things tend to go DH's way which doesn't bother me but this was something that i really wanted and am just finding it difficult to accept it."

FWIW I agree with PPs who pointed out that it would be a big age gap now and there would be additional risks due to your age. So even if your DH was fully on board it wouldn't be easy. I'm not sure if that helps though!

Tbh There's an 8 year age gap between my older brother and I and while we get on very well now we only became close as adults and growing up we both felt like only children but we still had to put up with the downsides of having a sibling like having to share our parents attention and having to make money stretch further.

In any case you should put yourself in your husbands shoes and think how you'd feel if he kept pushing you for a child you didn't want.