Husband Doesn't want a second child

[Belfield]

Hi, I'm a long time lurker, first time poster. I am 41 and have one DC who is almost 9. My DH is 44. Before we married we didn't discuss how many children we would have because we both took the view that we would see how we took to parenthood. I was happy with this but knew once DC was born that I would love a sibling for him and that I loved being a Mum. My DH on the other hand, whilst being a good father and loving our DC,is happy with just the one. He wasn't hands on when DC was a baby but is hands on now. His reasoning is that I had a difficult pregnancy and was induced early with our DC needing to spend a week in neonatal unit. All is fine now but DH was very anxious about it all. There were financial difficulties also when DC was young but after DH re-trained and I got a better job this was all sorted. We discussed it from when DC was two to when he was four but husband was against. I couldn't let it go so we did agree to try when DC was five and after two years we did get pregnant but unfortunately miscarried. My DH is still saying he is okay with a second child but avoids the deed around ovulation time which is his passive aggressive way of saying he doesn't want a child. He wasn't upset when I had the miscarriage (I was devastated). I know feel that due to my age and that he clearly does not want to have a second child I have to accept it but just don't seem to be able to do so. Am I being unreasonable by not accepting my DH's position? Our DC is happy and balanced and we do ensure he has other children around to take account of the fact he is an only child. He has never asked for a sibling. My husband if from a different country where small families are very common so he can't see what the problem is with our small unit. I would love the opinion of anyone who has been in this position and how you moved forward without resentment.

It is actually quite deceitful to do something like that behind a partners back just like it is deceitful to not take contraception without discussion.

I'm not saying I agree with the previous poster, but choosing to take contraception as you don't want children without telling the other is really not as bad as trying to secretly impregnate someone against their will, and it is indeed worrying that you seem to think these two things are the same.

There is 10 years between me and my sibling. We have no relationship at all. By the time I started primary school, he was half way through high school, and as I started high school, he had graduated university.

Don’t assume having a sibling is going to be enjoyable for him, with such an age gap.

Tacolover - I don't think they are the same and don't know why you think I did. It was just a comparison of deceit.

Just a view from an only child here - I would have absolutely HATED it if my parents had another child and made it very clear basically from when I could talk that I didn’t want a sibling. I didn’t want to share my toys or my mum’s attention and if another baby had come along when I was 9/10 I would have been seriously fucked off. Not that it was in any way my decision, luckily for me my parents didn’t want or have any more. But there is no guarantee of sibling closeness as others have said, especially with such an age gap. As it’s often said on here, the partner who doesn’t want any more children has to ‘win’ because nobody should be forced into parenthood against their will

My DH is still saying he is okay with a second child but avoids the deed around ovulation time which is his passive aggressive way of saying he doesn't want a child.

I think this is wrong of him, he needs to just be clear about what he wants. To tell you he is in theory ok with it but then in reality avoiding any chance for you to conceive is giving you false hope and prolonging the agony. Have you asked him outright about this or are you both skating around the issue?

I think your dh is being unreasonable. However, there is nothing you can do about it.

dodgeballcamp - Just a view from an only child here - I would have absolutely HATED it if my parents had another child and made it very clear basically from when I could talk that I didn’t want a sibling. I didn’t want to share my toys or my mum’s attention and if another baby had come along when I was 9/10 I would have been seriously fucked off. Not that it was in any way my decision, luckily for me my parents didn’t want or have any more. But there is no guarantee of sibling closeness as others have said, especially with such an age gap. As it’s often said on here, the partner who doesn’t want any more children has to ‘win’ because nobody should be forced into parenthood against their will

This is the way our DC is. He is quite open about the fact that he is happy to be any only child. Thanks for your input

Tell him you’ve taken notice of his reluctance to father and second child and therefore, as a means of taking control of your own life have been looking into sperm donors.

@drizzleinbrizzle. We have discussed it outright and he was very clear, as was I. It is lately that he is doing this so I think we need to sit down again and have a frank discussion, although I already know his position from previous discussions. I am pushing the issue, which I can see is wrong.

And I know my view is unpopular on here but i think it is preferable for a child to have a sibling.

So your dh and ds are quite happy to just keep it at one? Theres your answer. As hard as it is for you, I think its something you just have to accept as best for the family overall.

I think too much time has passed now. You're at a risky age and your DS is 9, that's an awkward age gap that I think will have a detrimental impact on him especially given the additional risks (your age, risk of health implications to you and child). I think you need to find acceptance in 1 child in order to move on as a family unit.

My brother and I have a similar age gap. We get on really well, and always have, bar the usual sibling squabbles.

As you say OP counselling may be a good idea. As much as having another child probably isn't the best thing for you, that doesn't mean you have to feel immediately happy about it, you'll need to process and come to terms. You may feel something akin to grief saying goodbye to the family/child you thought you'd have, you are allowed to feel that way. I hope your DH allows you to talk about your feelings, make the decision and start the process x

@AyBeeCee10 yes both DH and DC are happy but I think DC doesn't necessarily know any different and could be quite happy with a sibling so I suppose I see it as DH is happy and I am not.

Why is he unreasonable though formerbabe having a child is a huge undertaking? Surely it’s more unreasonable to bring a child into the world when one of its parents doesn’t want them? Wanting or not wanting a child is such a deeply ingrained feeling that it isn’t a case of being reasonable or unreasonable. He can’t just pretend he wants more kids any more than he can pretend he wants to willingly saw off his leg

@dodgeball He is unreasonable only because formerbabe has an issue with only children. FFS.

Your DH is unreasonable becuase he is still saying he's OK with having another child yet trying not to get you pregnant by avoiding sex around ovulation. He needs to be straight with you - at least then you can come to terms with it or attempt to do so rather than the hope hanging over your head. I think you will have to sit him down and do some straight talking with each other.

Obviously someone's decision to not have a child always trumps the person who does want a child but that doesn't mean you don't get to put your point across to him. You need to have a really frank discussion to ensure you both know exactly how the other one feels and can make a proper final decision together.

My DH is still saying he is okay with a second child but avoids the deed around ovulation time which is his passive aggressive way of saying he doesn't want a child

You think so? You have got to great lengths to say he doesn't want another child so I would assume he is tired of telling you and is just making platitudes to keep the peace.
Maybe you should stop bullying him and realise that he has every right to feel as he does.

It's a real shame that the two of you didn't explore this issue of how many DC you wanted more fully before you got married. I remember when we had pre-marital counselling this (and money) were the two issues that the counsellor urged us to give plenty of thought to and then talk through in our sessions, because it's such a serious and potentially marriage-breaking issue. But you didn't and now you want a second and he doesn't and it would appear that you've both been entrenched in your opposing views for many years now and it's causing serious resentment.

OP I would go and get some talking therapy, if I were you. You will find it hard to move forward I think without it, as you've made no progress over the past few years. Letting go of your dream to have a second DC is not an easy thing to do, but if your marriage and your family are to move forward in a positive and happy way I feel this is something you have to try and do. You might also consider having marriage counselling, if your DH will agree. Perhaps in a room with someone neutral you can talk through this and reach some kind of peace.

Granted, my ex-wife is clinically diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder, so there were massive issues in our marriage all the way around, but I can pinpoint the exact moment I consciously knew I was just biding my time until I could make my exit. I absolutely did not want any more children after the two we already had, but after two years of pressure from her, I finally cracked. I felt disgusted with myself, and finally saw with full clarity that my wife had zero respect for me.

@samyeagar Thank you. you do make a valid point though. If you are pushing too much you are not giving the respect that you should. You are essentially disregarding your partner because of your own needs.