Ex just threatened me

[namechange982]

This isn't a surprise and it's completely like him but just want to know what the next step should be.

A few months ago he found out I was seeing someone else and came in and trashed my home (when DS wasn't here). I was absolutely distraught, had to go to Victim Support and contact police (who were no help). I felt unsafe for weeks.

He's been emotionally manipulative and a bit gaslighting since but we had a period of no contact and thought we were doing better since. I still don't trust him or have any positive feelings towards him but we stay civil and have got on okay with arrangements and stuff.

I got a couple of subtly nasty messages last night trying to find out if I'd introduced new DP to DS (they have been briefly introduced recently but in very friendly/non relationship ways with no contact between us etc) and the stability and routine with DS and I has stayed the same as usual (it's only ever been me and him that lived together) and he's as happy as usual.

Then today, when dropping DS back off, he left DS in the car so he could come into my porch and start having a go and shouting about 'don't even deny it' and all this and when I didn't, started calling me a 'fucking maggot' and 'shit parent'. I convinced him to go and get my DS and he carried him in while swearing under his breath and came in and told me not to message him because he'll 'ruin me' and then barged past knocking my shoulder without even saying goodbye to DS.

I've got a text since saying I'm a bad parent and to 'wise up' and he'll be back here at 9am tomorrow to pick DS up.

For context, I've been the consistent parent, he never lived with us even when we were together, there was always an excuse why he didn't want to move in.
I sit up and have sleepless nights and everything about what the best decisions for DS would be whereas for the first year he was involved through a contact centre and wasn't too fussed as he was involved in drugs etc (no evidence of that though but he was).
And DS is 2.5.

Can anyone help? I don't want him having DS tomorrow. 1) we have plans and it wasn't arranged and especially 2) I don't feel safe with him and don't really want DS round him when he's comfortable behaving like that in front of him!
I hesitantly looked over the first time as I was so clueless on what to do and felt so pushed down but not prepared a second time, but I'm worried he'll come back when he's told no!

You need to go to the police. He is using threatening behaviour, has shoved you physically, and is intimidating you. Do not be fobbed off by the police. They need to take this seriously and have a word with your ex. Do NOT let him get away with this behaviour. It is completely unacceptable and needs dealing with.

Are you able to get to your local police station this morning?

@Sicario I thought that. I just feel so dramatic going to police after being fobbed off last time.
And do I ring? What do I say? I don't want to wait at the station with DS (and no one else to watch him!)

Has he got court ordered access?

You need to contact the police!

@Whathappenedtooursummer Nope. In the midst of doing it through a lawyer but nothing court ordered.

Do you have a contact order in place that says your ex should see DS tomorrow? If not, you can just ignore him and continue with your plans. Detach emotionally, keep repeating whichever contact arrangements you have by text/email if he wants to change plans and let him stew in his own anger. Obviously call the police if he gets violent/threatens violence again. It's scary when you've been controlled and manipulated but in the real, physical world he actually has no control over you other than whichever arrangement court gives him.

I would go out OP, it’s not a pre arranged contact date and it is not safe to send your little one out with an unstable and very angry Father. Can you insist on contact via a contact centre again? I’m sorry I don’t know how this works, I would not want this man near my child when he is so abusive, but I know he has rights. Who stopped the contact via contact centre? Can you seek advice from Woman’s Aid or a social worker/ solicitor if you have one?

Well no reason to let him then imo. Keep the messages and log with the police. One day you may need a restraining order and every threat will count. You need to look after your own mh. Let a judge decide if /when your dc needs to be around such a person.

@ClaireElizabethBeuchampFraser mutually stopped the contact centre.
I can seek advice for them but feel like it's a bit of a long process and I feel unsafe when I tell him no to tomorrow.

Police, immediately.

Go to the station, call Womens aid whilst you’re waiting x

Can you stay somewhere overnight?

Tell the police what happened. He was verbally abusive, barged you out of the way and is sending you aggressive texts. Remind them there has been a previous incident that was reported to the police and you are scared about what he will do next.

Remember you feel unsafe..... Totally inappropriate to sacrifice a toddler to him then!! Such men can be a danger to their own dc. Text him that it's not convenient and ignore. Be out if you think he will call round or have someone with you at home. Any agro ring the police. You must op.

Only person I could have round would be DP and not sure if that riles the situation and makes me look as irresponsible as he's making out I am.

You need to go to the police station. Don't be fobbed off. Go in person, with DS if you have to. He sounds dangerous so you need to protect yourself and DS.

Speak to your lawyer or Women’s aid about non-molestation and occupation orders.

Also, coercive control is an offence in its own right. He's ticking at least two of the boxes below. Police - even if you only 101 it as a non-crime - because that way they build up a log of his behaviour towards you.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/coercive-control-and-the-law/#Reporting%20coercive%20control%20to%20the%20police

Coercive control is when a person with whom you are personally connected, repeatedly behaves in a way which makes you feel controlled, dependent, isolated or scared.

The following types of behaviour are common examples of coercive control:

isolating you from your friends and family
controlling how much money you have and how you spend it
monitoring your activities and your movements
repeatedly putting you down, calling you names or telling you that you are worthless
threatening to harm or kill you or your child
threatening to publish information about you or to report you to the police or the authorities
damaging your property or household goods
forcing you to take part in criminal activity or child abuse

That last bit is coped & pasted from the website, btw, not me explaining patronisingly [grin}

Police about the harassment and I'd go out early tomorrow too.

I agree you should report this to the police. I would also go out early tomorrow. Perhaps then text him at 8 and say there’s no agreement for contact so you won’t be home at 9am as he demanded.

Tell the police you are scared. It is important to tell them that. Then go on to Amazon or something similar and get yourself a small camera of some kind that will video in your porch if he comes again. They are not expensive and are motion sensitive.

I second women's aid, they were fantastic with a friend of mine, put everything into place for her and provided her with little security items such as extra door locks for her home.

Go, in person, to the police station. Take your DC with you. Tell them you need to report your abusive ex and that his behaviour is escalating and that you are scared.