Ex just threatened me

[namechange982]

This isn't a surprise and it's completely like him but just want to know what the next step should be.

A few months ago he found out I was seeing someone else and came in and trashed my home (when DS wasn't here). I was absolutely distraught, had to go to Victim Support and contact police (who were no help). I felt unsafe for weeks.

He's been emotionally manipulative and a bit gaslighting since but we had a period of no contact and thought we were doing better since. I still don't trust him or have any positive feelings towards him but we stay civil and have got on okay with arrangements and stuff.

I got a couple of subtly nasty messages last night trying to find out if I'd introduced new DP to DS (they have been briefly introduced recently but in very friendly/non relationship ways with no contact between us etc) and the stability and routine with DS and I has stayed the same as usual (it's only ever been me and him that lived together) and he's as happy as usual.

Then today, when dropping DS back off, he left DS in the car so he could come into my porch and start having a go and shouting about 'don't even deny it' and all this and when I didn't, started calling me a 'fucking maggot' and 'shit parent'. I convinced him to go and get my DS and he carried him in while swearing under his breath and came in and told me not to message him because he'll 'ruin me' and then barged past knocking my shoulder without even saying goodbye to DS.

I've got a text since saying I'm a bad parent and to 'wise up' and he'll be back here at 9am tomorrow to pick DS up.

For context, I've been the consistent parent, he never lived with us even when we were together, there was always an excuse why he didn't want to move in.
I sit up and have sleepless nights and everything about what the best decisions for DS would be whereas for the first year he was involved through a contact centre and wasn't too fussed as he was involved in drugs etc (no evidence of that though but he was).
And DS is 2.5.

Doesn’t matter if the police fobbed you off before - they may have thought of the previous report as a one off/mutual argument etc, but he’s obviously continuing to behave like this so it has now become more serious

I only ever do handovers in a public place - in our case the local train station so there are always lots of people round.

Thanks everyone.
Rang police, it's all been logged and they're ringing back at some point today about what to do next.
They've told me to contact my lawyer about saying no to tomorrow and about contact but I'm unsure what to say - I've already emailed to say I want a letter sent out and about the situation briefly this morning so not sure why I'd ring?

OP, google DV assist. They can advise you and help you get a Non-Molestation Order if necessary. They can also help you get a Prohibited Steps Order, which will prevent your ex from taking DS. It’s a free service and I’d recommend you call them.

A pattern of coercive control followed by violence (trashing your home) and threats is not something to be taken lightly, OP. This behaviour is escalating, and to a degree that is very concerning. And people who behave like this don't improve or become reasonable on their own. You need to take measures to protect yourself and your DC.

I suggest doing three things.

If at all possible, ramp up security at your home. Ensure he has no access, keys etc, change locks if necessary, fit window locks, and have one of those doorbells that records video footage direct to your phone. Reddit has some wonderful advice on ways to do this which leave few chinks in your armour - check out Milimination tactics on JustNoMil.

Second - and I know how reluctant people are to do this - you must report your concerns to the police, and let them know how serious the situation has now become. If you're worried this is only going to inflame the situation with your ex, don't. He's already escalating; you can't make things any worse than they already are.

Third: renew your legal advice in view of the changing situation and take measures to protect your child.

I'm so sorry you are going through this appalling, frightening experience. There are few things I read online that make me really incandescent with rage. The constant barrage of abuse, threats, coercion, stalking and violence suffered by women at the hands of men is one of them.

Cross-posted with your update. You've done exactly the right thing.

Trust those mother's instincts: we have them for a reason.

Call the police now and explain what is going on.

Tell them you will text him to tell him that there is no contact this weekend and for the foreseeable future as his threats present a risk to you and ds and until you’re satisfied you’re both safe

Cross post!

Well done! That took guts but you did it!

You’re a great mum to your ds, you’re protecting him from this arsehole

I still haven't managed to text about him not having DS tomorrow. I'm completely panicked about his reaction to that and don't want him back round near my home. I'm more worried that if I go out/stay out that he could boot my door down and be in my home while we're not here and there's no one to ring the police.

A few months ago he found out I was seeing someone else and came in and trashed my home
This is extremely alarming, he still regards you as his property, he thinks that he has the right to punish you for doing things without his permission.
I am very shocked the police didn't take you seriously, surely some sort of restraining order is entirely appropriate and needed, you must be protected from this man.

@Whosorrynow because it was only a few weeks after the break up (which was long overdue and I was trying to do for ages), they told me, in direct words that his reaction was 'unacceptable, but understandable given the circumstances'.

@Whosorrynow needless to say the officer I spoke to this morning (a female this time) took it a lot more seriously.

No no no
That is so wrong
I am so shocked that the police would say that to you, trashing the home of someone because they don't want to be in a relationship with you is never ever ever understandable
It's a massive red flag, very sinister very alarming

@Whosorrynow I know! I was so intimidated and felt so unsafe at the time as well, I was just looking for any sort of reassurance and felt so put down.

He has been violent and criminal he should only see your son in a contact centre where you have no communication with him at all
Contact women’s aid get legal advice adsp

From what you said this man sounds like a complete waste of space/piece of shit, going by the way he conducts himself he is not going to do well in life he is not someone who can win friends and influence people now is he! He has no useful skills no good qualities, I don't know if this is going to be possible for you but I would be trying to distance myself completely from him, just drop off of his radar, try and get him out of your life and out of your son's life.

Thanks everyone.

Honestly, with the way he's made me feel, I was ready to be flamed and to have people say he's in the right because I've moved on and introduced new DP to DS and say it's my fault!

Trashing your home is a warning, the next step is trashing you, he is a clear threat to you. I'm sorry to sound so alarming.
You must protect yourself

@Whosorrynow thanks for your replies

Just want the police to ring back soon to get it out the way and actually know what the next step is!

If you contact the National Centre for Domestic Violence they can assist you with an emergency court order to prevent him coming anywhere near you.

I can only give my general thoughts and impressions, I don't have specific knowledge or experience of these situations and so would defer to those who do.
The good thing is he's not very bright and he doesn't have much impulse control so he gives himself away and is easy to read.
It shouldn't be difficult to outwit him but I appreciate that you are scared of him, this whole thing is very stressful and distressing for you and that makes it much harder to think clearly.

He's not interested in having a relationship with your son, in his mind the child is just a tool that he can use to control and intimidate you.
His actions are not those of a loving protective parent.