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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that friends don’t treat someone like this?

47 replies

IrisAtwood · 27/06/2019 22:01

I’m in a friendship group that meet roughly every two weeks. We go for meals, to the cinema and to the theatre together. It’s quite casual, but we always celebrate each other’s birthdays and have a Christmas party.

I have been through a truly harrowing few years but have kept up with the group. I have never really felt a true part of the group because they are all very stable and secure in their lives and I’ve been to hell and back. Every single year my birthday is forgotten, although we make a big effort for others’; last year I was given some embarassingly awful Christmas presents having gone to a lot of effort for others and seen the effort that they put in for each other. The group also meet each other without me, which I had put down to my having moved out of the village they all live in.

This week has left me very, very hurt. We were suppose to meet for a meal. I got the evening wrong, so didn’t turn up. No one bothered to ask if I was OK, but if others are late there’s a flurry of concerned texts. I had one text, two hours later. There’s a theatre trip someone organised and when I said I’d like to go I was told to contact the box office myself. Earlier this year I put a lot of effort into organising a theatre trip for all of us, at which I was more or less ignored by them.

AIBU. to think that they really don’t want me around?

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 27/06/2019 22:04

Yeah I would ditch them. They aren't your friends.

ladymariner · 27/06/2019 22:05

That's really sad to read and I'm not surprised you feel hurt. They don't sound very nice, tbh, and I think you should seriously consider backing off and concentrate on making new friends who deserve you.

whocaresalot · 27/06/2019 22:09

You sound like a lovely person who deserves nice friends who actually care about you and appreciate you. I know it can seem daunting to ditch friends but these sound awful!

Shayne11 · 27/06/2019 22:13

This is horrible clique that you need to step away from. Kind people don’t treat others in this way. You sound fab and they don’t deserve you x
Mean lot.

blissfullyignorantorinpain · 27/06/2019 22:18

Sounds very clicky and must be very hurtful for you. I remember feeling like this with certain friends. Cut them out they don't deserve. I was happier when I cut ppl like this out of my life.

Cecilandsnail · 27/06/2019 22:18

Life's too short for these bitches.

Clusterfukt · 27/06/2019 22:18

They’re trying to phase you out, fuck them don’t waste your time on people who don’t give a fuck about you.

Original poster
IrisAtwood · 27/06/2019 22:20

Thank you so much for these replies.

I was genuinely expecting to be told that I was too sensitive and needed to grow up!

I have hung on with them because I am quite lonely, but you’re right. I need to make some real friends.

OP posts:
ShadowKat · 27/06/2019 22:23

It sounds like you like them better than they like you. I’d guess they view you as more of a hanger on / acquaintance, than as a proper part of the group.

I’d consider trying to meet new people and make other friends that aren’t part of this group.

Dippypippy1980 · 27/06/2019 22:23

It is tempting to stick with a friendship group just to avoid being lonely. I have been here.

But it sounds like hey are making you feel crap. So maybe it’s not worth it.

Try out a few new hobbies - I recently took up running and have already made some new friends. There are lots of good people out there - don’t waste your time on these muppets.

Provincialbelle · 27/06/2019 22:23

They don’t deserve you. You can - and will - do much better without them.

BummyKnocker · 27/06/2019 22:26

These people are not your friends, don't be phased out, take some power back and you leave the group and say why, then block them.

HundredMilesAnHour · 27/06/2019 22:29

I have never really felt a true part of the group
Because you haven't been. I'm sorry to say this but better that you've finally realised and now you can try and find some new actual friends.

they are all very stable and secure in their lives and I’ve been to hell and back
This is very judgemental. You have no idea what has gone in their lives and what may still be going on. Why would they confide in you? I appreciate that you've been through a tough time but don't assume you're the only one. None of us know what goes on behind closed doors.

FazakerlyJackie · 27/06/2019 22:35

You sound kind and thoughtful. They don't.
Keep your dignity, and look elsewhere for people who deserve your friendship. Flowers

Original poster
IrisAtwood · 27/06/2019 22:37

You have no idea what has gone in their lives That’s true and I know that it’s my perception. We do all talk very openly about our lives though.

OP posts:
Thehop · 27/06/2019 22:40

They are horrible.

You sound lovely and definitely deserve better.

Are there any interest groups that you could join? X

Meyoumeanmeh · 27/06/2019 23:00

I’m afraid to say it sounds like you are the ‘meh’ friend. There are lots of us.Flowers

My ‘friends’ haven’t wished me happy birthday today, they only posted birthday wishes on FB at 11pm last year after DH posted about a lovely birthday day out because I was so upset they had forgotten. I told him not to bother putting anything on FB today.

boosterrooster · 27/06/2019 23:02

I've been there. Totally understandable you feeling hurt.

Long story short...I was always very involved and included in my group of friends but made the mistake of challenging and not taking any shit from the matriarch of the group who is quite bossy and controlling. So she gradually stopped including me in things. I thought everyone was just busier these days with kids and work etc and that the once regular get togethers has dwindled a bit but realized after about a year that they were actually continuing as normal I just wasn't being invited anymore. It really hurt to be left out and for none of my other "friends" in the group have the loyalty or integrity to stand up for me and insist that I continue to be included. I lost many nights sleep over it and it really affected me for quite a while. I could have tried to get "back in" with some or all of them but just decided F it, if anyone wants to still be friends they can contact me....and out of the 5 friends, one friend does keep in contact and another seemed genuinely happy to see me when I bumped into her recently and was genuinely interested I how I am, my family etc. I think maybe they're just easily controlled by the matriarch of the group (who is a bit of a bully really!) and go against her by showing me any loyalty. I could be wrong, maybe I am an asshole who is horrible to be around but my work colleagues, family and other friends all seem to love my company.

Anyway, I wonder if it's possibly the same in your case? Some of the others may still want to be your friend but are inclined to "follow the crowd"

Either way, I'd get cracking on getting on with your life without them and if possible, meet some new friends (easier said than done sometimes though!)

Anyway sorry to hijack your post and go on about myself 🙈but I came across a good article online which really helped me, you might like it too Thanks

Here's the link:
www.marcandangel.com/2015/04/01/20-things-to-remember-when-rejection-hurts/

best of luck and don't take it personally, we all go through something like this at some stage, it's not your fault!

SandAndSea · 27/06/2019 23:09

This sounds horrible! No wonder you feel lonely! Better to be alone than feel lonely in a group. I would withdraw and take some time to 'regroup' (with yourself).

SandAndSea · 27/06/2019 23:15

That marcandangel article makes some very good points.

happinessischocolate · 27/06/2019 23:32

Move on OP

Friendships are like relationships, when you're spending your time with the wrong people you're wasting time and energy you could be using to find the right people.

I started feeling the odd one out in a group so I burnt my bridges and left, once I was alone I found opportunities to make new friends. And 10 years later I'm still good friends with all my 'new' friends and the old friendship group split up long ago.

Diamondjem · 28/06/2019 08:56

Go and make your self some nice new real friends who are happy to be around you, it may seem daunting at first but will be well worth it in the long run. My instinct would also be to send a group text/email and thank them for showing you their true colours that you've finally seen that they really are a mean group of insensitive, unappreciative, selfish bitches and now you've realised it you are happy not to be a part of it. Like I said that would be my instinct, chances are I'd write but not actually send it, it would just make me feel better! Grin

Original poster
IrisAtwood · 28/06/2019 11:32

We’re on WhatsApp so I sent a message stating the three recent things and how hurtful they were. I then said that I now understood that they don’t want me around and left the group.

Feel very sad, but at least I won’t feel like the hanger on anymore.

OP posts:
boosterrooster · 28/06/2019 12:53

Good on you OP, it's not easy. Look at it as a fresh start.

Go treat yourself to something nice and mind yourself Thanks