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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A 'partner' is someone you are in a LTR with, probably cohabiting, not someone you met last month or are dating.

133 replies

RubberTreePlant · 27/06/2019 17:47

It means life partner not shag partner.

AIBU?

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 28/06/2019 00:34

YANBU

Calling someone a partner after a short time, who you don't even live with sounds silly to me.

We all know that boyfriend doesn't mean you're actually going out with a child.

If I was in that position and didn't want to say BF...I'd say my OH....but each to their own.

TooManyPaws · 28/06/2019 02:22

I'm rather partial to the Scots 'bidie-in' for someone who lives (bides) in your house with you...

Limpshade · 28/06/2019 02:51

I always think of "partner" as a very longterm boyfriend, ie one half of an older couple who have been together probably for more than a decade but aren't married. I only ever called my now DH "boyfriend" because I felt a bit young for "partner" in my 20s.

It wouldn't really bother me what term other people use though and I've only once cringed at anyone for that reason - that was at the wedding of a friend who had invited a work colleague (aged 21, new graduate) for the evening reception, who then introduced us to her "partner", a guy she'd been dating for only two months. I did think that was a bit soon/young to be calling "partner" but she was sat on his lap for the practically the entire night so I figured she was maybe just a bit excited to have a date!

WhyTho · 28/06/2019 03:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

StoppinBy · 28/06/2019 03:51

A partner in my mind is someone who you can genuinely see in your future, generally I think more suited to people from their mid twenties onwards rather than the teen years bf/gf labels.

BitOfFun · 28/06/2019 04:29

I think Kashali has nailed why it can be irritating on mumsnet:

This is my partner keith and these are my kids, I've known Keith 2 months, the kids love him, he's a great dad, and moving in next month.

There's nothing wrong with it as a descriptor of somebody you are in a longterm (probably living together) relationship, but too many posters use it to mean the person they are dating, and it's often a sign that they are galloping into a commitment with them unwisely.

habibihabibi · 28/06/2019 04:45

I always think of 'howdy partner😂
For me its someone in a legal or accountancy firm or the guy you do salsa classes with.
It's not in common usage where I live to describe your boy or girlfriend.

PlatoAteMySnozcumber · 28/06/2019 05:09

I am almost 40, co habit with long term boyfriend and have two children... I still refer to him as my boyfriend. Technically he is my fiancé and we just haven’t got round to getting married yet, but that sounds ridiculous to me so I would never say it. I don’t feel old enough to say partner, it would also feel like I am ashamed of my marital status or something.

I always think of partner as label for long term same sex couples before they were allowed to get married.

It’s certainly ludicrous to use it to refer to some bloke you’ve known for a few months.

Pinktornado · 28/06/2019 05:15

When I’ve called my boyfriend (of almost 20 years) my partner, people have sometimes assumed I’m gay and talking about a girlfriend. I’m a bit at a loss about what to call him now we have a baby DS. Sometimes I’ll say ‘the baby is with his dad’ which makes it sound like we’re separated. But ‘the baby is with my boyfriend’ sounds like he’s being looked after by my bit on the side Grin

OralBElectricToothbrush · 28/06/2019 05:15

YANBU

Blueoasis · 28/06/2019 05:45

It's better than them saying 'other half' though to be fair. It's always funny when they've been dating a few weeks, seen each other a grand total of maybe 5 times and that's their 'other half' already. Then they split up and move on to their next 'other half'. Grin

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 28/06/2019 06:10

Other half isnt the 'other half of me' , its other half of my relationship.

So every one would you were in relationship with, would be the other half.

I suppose it depends on wether you way my other half or THE other half.

SerenDippitty · 28/06/2019 07:06

Interesting thread. To me a partner is someone you’re in a long term quasi-married relationship with, not someone you are just dating.

It is a problem if you are over a certain age, worked with someone about 40ish who referred to his girlfriend, made it sound like he was seeing someone much younger than him, which he wasn’t.

Winebottle · 28/06/2019 07:14

I think partner is synonymous with boyfriend. I went straight from boyfriend to husband.

Using 'partner' comes across as insecure with your relationship's status. You want more recognition than a boyfriend/girlfriend but whatever you call it, it is an unmarried couple.

My nan says "manfriend" but after that nationwide advert, boyfriend would be less weird.

It depends on your views on marriage, though. For me it was an emotional as well as legal union. Making promises in front of friends and family creates a sense of commitment which can't be implied by the length of time living together.

Just because you have lived together for 20 years, doesn't mean you are under a moral obligation going forward, you can piss off whenever you want with no consequences. You aren't publicly committed so it is the same thing whether it is 20 years, 1 year, every weekend, shared hotel room twice a year or whatever.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/06/2019 07:18

I don't get the issue with boyfriend/girlfriend. Yes, maybe after 60 you might say gentleman friend or lady friend, but boyfriend/girlfriend is absolutely find for middle aged people.

malificent7 · 28/06/2019 07:21

I prefer crumpet, bit on the side, ball and chain etc myself.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/06/2019 07:21

"worked with someone about 40ish who referred to his girlfriend, made it sound like he was seeing someone much younger than him, which he wasn’t."

Why would you even assume that though? It would never have occurred to me that his girlfriend was much younger.

Gwenhwyfar · 28/06/2019 07:29

"OP, I too think it’s ridiculous to call someone your partner when you barely know them. I personally think it’s only really a suitable description if you’re living together."

I agree, except for maybe a minority of people who live apart together i.e. they think of themselves as an official couple or a family (even with no children) but live apart.
I remember when I was out of work someone said 'but you have a partner'. I had no such thing, I had a boyfriend, so I was financially on my own. To me partner suggests living as one household (even if technically apart).

Furrydogmum · 28/06/2019 07:29

@Kashali yes! Those posts make me cringe 😒

PARunnerGirl · 28/06/2019 07:38

It’s a individual perception thing I guess and what the word means to you.

After getting it wrong the first time around and eventually navigating my way out of a harmful marriage, I have been with “Bob” for over two years now and take absolute joy in calling him my boyfriend when I need a “label”! Grin

To me (I.e. my individual feelings about the word!), Partner” seems so staid, dull, unadventurous and soulless and that definitely doesn’t seem to capture him or what we have.

cakecakecheese · 28/06/2019 07:48

Some people just prefer that term why should they have to pass a certain criteria to use it?

theWarOnPeace · 28/06/2019 08:02

Some people just prefer that term why should they have to pass a certain criteria to use it?

Well, they don’t have to pass a certain criteria. For all the reasons already mentioned, though, it can sound try-hard and desperate.

If someone says to me, “I need to ask my partner first”, then I expect it to be someone that they quite literally consider as a partner. Someone they can’t really make unilateral decisions without consulting, someone they need to take into consideration, someone they’re in an equal and mutually supportive relationship with. Not some guy they’ve been seeing a few months who is barely interested and may or may not be someone else’s partner the rest of the week. As pp said, it reminds me of the posters who talk about their partners when they’re hurtling headlong into a seemingly terrible commitment with a total arsehole. “My kids love my partner and he’s brilliant with them, we’ve been together 3 months so looking to get a mortgage together”, those kinds of references to a partner are what makes me cringe, not people that have been together a couple of years and live together.

Suebnm · 28/06/2019 08:09

I am going to get flamed for this but I think the word partner is utterly ridiculous and very derogatory for both parties. The word partner always make me think you've been together 2 minutes and are covering up the fact s/he doesn't want to marry you.

If the word 'boyfriend' is difficult to use just say man friend or 'this is Nigel'.

ProteinshakesandAntonsbum · 28/06/2019 08:22

I am not going to flame you.

But the reason me and my partner arent married is because

A , I am still married, currently getting divorced. To keep things amicable we agreed to wait the 2 years and it's taking a long time

B, I wont get married again. Me and dp wont be having kids and I have far more in assets than him. My life insurance, death in service and will is all set out so that Dp gets my small house that would be paid off and some money incase he needs time off work to recover, should I drop dead. And my kids get a big lump sum put into a trust ran by my brother.

And I recieve his life insurance, if he dies.

The only reason we would have got married was to ensure the other one is looked after if one of us dies.

I would never, ever marry again. If people want to think its cause he wont marry me. That's fine. Doesnt really bother me.

NameChangeNugget · 28/06/2019 09:00

Seems very sensible @ProteinshakesandAntonsbum

I really can’t get my ahead around why people come on here, whinging that their boyfriend/girlfriend doesn’t want to remarry. Very odd