Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not swap?

31 replies

Quandary2018 · 27/06/2019 17:40

Exh has recently resumed contact with DD5 after 2 years of going through the family court after domestic violence from him towards me.
Judge has awarded Saturday afternoons as I can guarantee DD will be free- no hobbies etc
Exh has asked me to swap to Sunday’s so he can continue with his hobby on a Saturday afternoon and I don’t want to.

DD has a hobby on a Sunday where the time changes regularly so finding a 4 hour block of time is hard plus handover is supposed to take place at a busy place and all shops shut at 4

He says I’m being purposely difficult, trying to make him miserable, and I’m bitter but I’m not- Sundays just don’t work well for us

AIBU for saying no or should I be being more accommodating? I suppose there’s a chance if I don’t swap that he won’t maintain contact with DD

OP posts:
gamerchick · 27/06/2019 17:48

Tell him you're sticking to the court order and the bairn will be available on Saturdays. Rinse and repeat.

BorisBadunov · 27/06/2019 17:54

YANBU

Leeds2 · 27/06/2019 17:54

Why didn't he mention his Saturday hobby to the Family Court?

Stressedout10 · 27/06/2019 18:10

Stick to the court order if he chooses to prioritise his hobby over his child that's on him and it won't go well for him if he then goes back to court

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 27/06/2019 18:14

Sorry, he did mention it but the judge still went with Saturday’s. My solicitor said CAFCASS ought to be telling him the occasional swap for one off events is ok but not every single week but I think our CAFCASS officer is a bit intimidated by him as she won’t do it

OP posts:
familycourtq · 27/06/2019 18:16

Why is the hobby always top secret?

Alb1 · 27/06/2019 18:17

I wouldn’t swap, they presumably awarded it that way to cause the least disruption to your DD, he needs to learn to put her first right from the start, if he can’t be bothered putting her before his hobby then she wouldn’t be missing much if he did stop contact in my opinion.

LakieLady · 27/06/2019 18:20

YANBU. He should put contact with his child above his hobby.

Michaelbaubles · 27/06/2019 18:22

Sounds to me like contact has quite rightly been awarded in a way that’s in the best interests of the child, so I’d stick to that line.

BogglesGoggles · 27/06/2019 18:22

Tell him no and complain about the cafcas officer.

NoFucksImAQueen · 27/06/2019 18:23

what time is his hobby? can he have contact before or after if it's only 4 hours?

BobTheDuvet · 27/06/2019 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IDontGiveABagOfDicks · 27/06/2019 18:29

Nope don’t do it. He went to court. He got told what the court order is. Stick to it or fuck off.

smallereveryday · 27/06/2019 18:31

If he prioritises his hobby after going through court for contact, then it really wasn't about his child !

The answer is no.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/06/2019 18:33

Stick to the court order. At least you have that as a backup.

AtSea1979 · 27/06/2019 18:34

YANBU. His priority should be his child. I’m guessing it’s football related as it has to be a Saturday and he can’t move his hobby to a Sunday.

Gazelda · 27/06/2019 18:35

What's in the best interest of your DC? What does the Court Order say?
Tell him you're sticking with the Court Order, as it is in DC's best interest. Tell him you will not discuss it further.

Whathappenedtooursummer · 27/06/2019 18:37

No point going via court if you don't listen to the judge. Sat it is.
And stays.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/06/2019 18:42

He took you to court for contact and now he wants you to change days? Jog on! To protect yourself, it's probably better to stick to the order anyway, in case he accuses you of trying to block access or something.
He can choose what he does about Saturday afternoons, but you have been ordered by a court to make you daughter available then. If he wants to get the court order changed then he can try, but nobody gets to just change the arrangements to suit themselves afterwards and expect the other parent to accommodate them.

Leeds2 · 27/06/2019 18:47

As he told the Court about his hobby, and they still ordered Saturdays for contact, I would stick with the Court Order. This is obviously in the best interests of the child.
If, on occasion, you were able to facilitate a Sunday meeting (eg if DD's hobby wasn't on that week), I would probably do so as potential future evidence that you were trying to be co-operative. Not every week though - DD's hobby is more important than his!

LL83 · 27/06/2019 18:48

Yanbu. Court decided dd hobby is more important as it should be.

IceQueenCometh · 27/06/2019 19:03

Nope, he should prioritize his DD

LovePoppy · 27/06/2019 19:30

Don’t change

He’s trying to get around court order.I’m betting he wants to prove to the court that you were willing to change so that he can take you back to court and have it permanently changed

ineedaknittedhat · 27/06/2019 19:31

Don't do it. These types of abusive men can be highly manipulative and will turn your accommodation against you in some way in the future. The court order is designed to put your child at the centre of contact and it gives you a framework so that you don't have to accept any coercion or bullying from your ex.

Tell him to return to court if he's not happy.

Original poster
Quandary2018 · 27/06/2019 19:47

Thanks all, I do struggle being assertive with him even though all our contact is via email only- a simple, no, we are sticking to the court order is all I need to say - I’ve been overthinking it

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread