To be fed up of friend who can't say no to my face?

[rubrius]

I have a friend who is increasingly annoying me, not because she can't join in on plans or do things with me... just that she can't say no to my face. Other mutual friends have noticed this about her too.

She can never say no to plans. She'll agree to your face and then quietly back out at a later point.

She will go along with joint plans right up until the very last minute, and then think of an excuse. We spent 2 weeks as a group discussing plans, found the perfect deal that required X amount of people. Now she has said she can't come because her sister is her appendix out... a whole 2 months before we were to go. Meaning that our plans are now in tatters as for politics A now want come because B is not etc.

Could be anxiety, because I do this. Could you ask her about it? Say ‘you’ve cancelled things a few times lately, is something wrong?’ Or maybe she doesn’t like one of the mutual friends, I’ve done that in the past too...

I totally agree with jeremybear too. There are people who won't take no for an answer which is why I have stock excuses/delaying tactics ready. I'm not saying you're like that OP but they can be just as frustrating

I would stop inviting her and, when she gets offended (it WILL be when, not if), tell her that you didn’t think she’d mind as she always pulls out at the last minute anyway. It might make her think, it might not - but if it doesn’t, you can save yourself the bother of asking again.

I had a ‘friend’ like this once. Several times she cancelled on me at the last minute due to ‘a touch of flu’ (which she always seemed to get after having had 17 gin and tonics the night before) - yet weirdly enough, when she wanted to rearrange for the next day she was rather huffy when I told her I was busy 🙄

Depression does this to people. Desperately lonely and want to join in, but when the time comes they are completely overwhelmed and just can’t - physically and mentally can’t - get past the front door.

My dh is like this. He will say yeah sure I’ll come then back out on the day. He just doesn’t want to always be turning down the invites so says yes then will make excuses. His not anxious or anything just doesn’t want to go.

I think you need to ask the friend if everything is ok, because you've noticed a pattern of her backing out.

Some people are flaky because they find something better (in their eyes) has come up. Others because they may be socially anxious and find it hard, but actually do want to join in.

Without actually communicating with your friend, it's anyones guess as to which kind of friend she is.

Just give her an open invitation.
Tell her its happening and if she'd like to come shes more than welcome but no pressure either way.

I do this and i hate it. Its not intentional, my anxiety soars the more i think about meeting up with people and often bottle it. X

I know someone who does this. They don't seem to be aware of the negative impact it has on others. You've been looking forward to seeing them, you've freed up time for them, maybe rescheduled pre-existing commitments, and then they drop out at the last minute with the same boring excuses.

I think people like that are self-absorbed.