To be fed up of friend who can't say no to my face?

[rubrius]

I have a friend who is increasingly annoying me, not because she can't join in on plans or do things with me... just that she can't say no to my face. Other mutual friends have noticed this about her too.

She can never say no to plans. She'll agree to your face and then quietly back out at a later point.

She will go along with joint plans right up until the very last minute, and then think of an excuse. We spent 2 weeks as a group discussing plans, found the perfect deal that required X amount of people. Now she has said she can't come because her sister is her appendix out... a whole 2 months before we were to go. Meaning that our plans are now in tatters as for politics A now want come because B is not etc.

Maybe just exclude her from some future plans, then the problem will not arise.

Just stop asking her.

her sister is having her*

Oh also the cancelling of the holiday is double annoying because I had moved work commitments just for it, and turned down another social engagement.

How often is it happening?

Sounds like she is a socially anxious people-pleaser. I can be like this. Plans sound great at the time but as it draws closer I dread events I've said I will go to.
Am sure she doesn't want to let you down and worries you will no longer be her friend. She needs to think of better excuses though.
Just a thought but could money also be an issue,?

Often it's fairly benign things like we'll arrange to go for a coffee after work, and she'll be like oh sorry I've got X. Fair enough.

If it was just me she was doing it to then that'd be annoying, but it is to my other two mutual friends too. It's like she's trying to people please, but in the long run it just pisses me off even more

She probably feels awkward declining to your face which I can fully sympathise with, I’m the same. Some people find saying no extremely difficult.

It's like she's trying to people please, but in the long run it just pisses me off even more
I get it isn't very mature, but it sounds like anxiety.
I would give her a break and stop asking, by asking you are setting her up to fail.
She might change and decide to join in if she doesn't feel pressured.
It is really hard for some people to be assertive and say no. 🤷‍♀️

Yeah I get that. Just she'd be the first to be offended if she wasn't asked.

You don't need to be assertive, you just need a couple of stock excuses to give you time to think. "I'd love to but I'd better check X" or " I think I might be doing something with Y, can I check and let you know?" Then decide when you're not on the spot

I'd stop inviting her. If she gets offended remind her of each time she has bailed on you at the last minute.

It sounds as though she is poor at planning: she may be plain disorganized; nervous about making arrangements, which makes her even worse at doing so; and/or she may have a demanding family, who often insist on her falling in with competing arrangements. (E.g. while her sister won't presumably still be in hospital or in need of physical care at the time of the trip, it may be that her family have planned a competing 'convalescence trip' or similar.) I can see that it's a bit irritating when it makes her unreliable about plans; but it doesn't necessarily mean that she's being insincere. I would actually be MORE annoyed by the politics of your other friends: 'I won't come if she doesn't', etc., and being unable to carry on with an arrangement if there is a far-from-last-minute change of plan.

I don't mean YOU need some stock excuses OP, you don't have the problem, I mean "one". I would stop inviting her

Ok final straw came today when she messaged me an hour before a lunch I was getting ready for her that she “couldn’t come”

This would royally piss me off too, in fact I have a friend do this to me yesterday who also has form for it. I didn't bother replying to her last minute cancellation messaged she can sit with it.

I would invite her to things where it doesn't really matter if she drops out or not like group lunch/dinner. Any event that could be disrupted if she didn't turn up then I wouldn't invite her as she is not reliable.

My friend does this a lot but she is currently in the middle of a horrendous period of mental ill health. She agrees at the time and then the day comes and she just feels overwhelmed. I will never stop inviting her to things as that will isolate her further.

How do you ask her to do things with you? Would you accept no for an answer? I only ask, as I have an acquaintance who first ascertains I'm not doing anything (note, me saying I have no plans doesn't necessarily mean I'm not doing anything, it means I'm having a weekend/evening with no plans) and will then, as I'm 'not busy' will say 'oh, we can do this then.' I'm fine with saying no, and do so frequently as I don't care to have my free time planned out for me but I know a lot of people can't/won't, for a myriad of reasons.
It is annoying - can you have a quiet word and say it's fine to say no?

Why don’t you send her a polite message asking, along the lines of ‘hiya, just wanted to check everything was ok? I was looking forward to lunch and was already cooking/making/ordering it in and I’ve noticed you often back out of things at the last minute. Just wanted to check if it’s me or maybe anxious or maybe just something couldn’t be put off? Just checking really!’

I am all in favour of people cancelling for legitimate and honest reasons when circumstances change or for health reasons (mental or physical) but people need to be honest. She sounds like a flaky pisstaker and you should stop inviting her, if she gets offended explain why. I have zero truck with people who ‘can’t say no’. Take some responsibility for yourself and get help to become more assertive. Everyone finds you kind of people annoying.

I have a flaky friend who generally agrees to something then cancels at the last minute. I just said to her 'You're flaky and I'm not inviting you to things any more'. She was like, yeah, fair enough.

Stop inviting her. Everyone here seems to advise to give her even more sympathy than you already are but I disagree. Her indecision, regardless of the cause, is having a big negative impact on you. I'd let her make plans and if she doesn't, tough, only invite her if other people are coming and her absence will have no impact.

I'd feel really offended tbh, doesn't sound like she likes your company much

I've 2 friends who do this due to anxiety. Ive just stopped inviting them to things that just 2 of us as I was getting pissed off with being cancelled on, sometimes at the time and place we were supposed to meet! I now only invite them to group situations where it doesn't matter if they cancel

I had this with a "friend" a mother of one of my son's school friends. It wasn't that she couldn't say no, she would actually gush enthuiasically - and I mean completely over the top- about how marvellous it would be for our DCs to get together in the holidays, how much her DC would enjoy it etc - at lenght.. so I'd say well how about next week then.. and she'd say Tuesday would be great. I'll ring.. of course she never did.
I don't know why people do it - I realise now she had now intention but why not just say she's busy? It can't be lack of assertiveness.
In your case, she's had plenty of time to decide she's not coming. The appendix excuse is really weak. I'd ask her bluntly what does she want, does she want to be invited to these events or not.

Completely flaky. Tell her that