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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being petty over this comment?

39 replies

spottytiger45445 · 27/06/2019 15:38

So I told my closest friend who is like a sister to me that we were expecting our 3rd baby in November. The first thing she said was "Are you sure you can financially cope?" I thought what kind of bizarre comment to say to someone or am I just being silly?

OP posts:
Asta19 · 27/06/2019 15:39

It depends. If you have been talking to her about financial worries recently then it's in context. If not, then yes it's an odd thing for that to be the first thing she said.

Readytogogogo · 27/06/2019 15:40

Depends a lot on context. For most people it would cause a tightening of budgets, and if she's a close friend then it doesn't seem out of order to mention that. However, if you feel it was overly judgemental then fair enough.

PeePooAndPaperOnly · 27/06/2019 15:41

I think it depends on any previous conversations you've had about money
If you've expressed concerns YABU, if you haven't then no, you're not

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 27/06/2019 15:41

Asta19 - I don't mention my financial worries to anyone as I personally don't think it's their business. She speaks to me about her financial issues but I don't reciprocate which is why it struck me as an odd thing to say.

OP posts:
ladygracie · 27/06/2019 15:42

Could it be that she was thinking of her own situation and that’s why it came out? So not about you at all? It is an odd first response.

f83mx · 27/06/2019 15:44

Bit odd but not offensive, just sounds like brain fuddle- she probs had her own finances on her mind. Congratulations should have been first of course! .... congrats btw!

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 27/06/2019 15:46

I'm not offended in anyway haha, I just wanted to get other peoples thoughts on it!

OP posts:
Expressedways · 27/06/2019 15:47

Children are not cheap. If she knows you’re not on a huge income and money worries are at the forefront of her mind because of her own situation then that was probably just the first thing that popped into her head. It’s an odd thing to say and maybe a little rude but if you genuinely are so close you’re practically sisters it really isn’t worth dwelling over. ‘We’ll be fine financially and are actually pretty excited’ was all you needed to say, then move on and forget about it.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 27/06/2019 15:58

She should have said congratulations first
But if she is like a sister then a little bluntness can be forgiven
She knows your situation surelyrven if you do t talk about it much

billy1966 · 27/06/2019 16:02

Very rude.
But is she projecting?
Is she otherwise a good friend?
If she is a kind friend, let it go.

If she has form for being rude, well you can't be that surprised.

Bluerussian · 27/06/2019 16:03

She certainly didn't mean any harm. Try not to dwell.
Congratulations btw.

Fundays12 · 27/06/2019 16:07

I think when you have a third people feel it’s there god given right up make comments. We had “ohh your mad as a first reaction” this was from a family member who rarely sees our kids and has no idea what our life is like. We cope very well with our kids and don’t ask for help so her comments to me were odd.

fedup21 · 27/06/2019 16:09

Asta19 - I don't mention my financial worries to anyone as I personally don't think it's their business.

That suggests there are financial worries. I think people are generally vaguely aware of whether people they are close to are financially comfortable or struggling

LauderSyme · 27/06/2019 16:11

As pp's have said, I think this may be more about her than you. She should have at least congratulated you first though!

JaneTheVirgin3 · 27/06/2019 16:13

fedup21 i disagree, not everyone wants to disclose their financial info just because it's not something you want do.

as for op, it is a strange comment to make but if it doesn't bother you, all is good, congrats!!

AryaStarkWolf · 27/06/2019 16:20

If it's out of character I wouldn't think too deeply about it

GreenShadow · 27/06/2019 16:23

People don't always think before they speak.

I still feel guilty for saying something along those lines (not quite as blatant though) to a good friend many years ago. She probably feels awful too.

wowfudge · 27/06/2019 16:27

I know people who have limited the number of children they have for financial reasons. I also had a friend in dire financial straits after their third child was born. If she's a friend I don't think I'd be offended - probably says more about her than you, i.e. she feels they wouldn't be able to afford to have a third.

GreyGardens88 · 27/06/2019 16:42

I think if it's a stranger or just someone at work you don't know very well saying that I would say they would be out of order, however if it was someone who is as close as a sister maybe she is just showing that she is concerned and supportive, rather than fake happiness?

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/06/2019 16:43

Kids are expensive. Finances are a legitimate considerations when taking on any long term commitment and, if she’s been talking to you about her own issues it’s probably a consideration she’s very aware of. So far from bizarre I would say it’s fairly natural for her to have thought about it and, if you are good friends, to raise it. Her wording (assuming she used words close to the ones in your OP) sounds like she’s projecting a bit, but most people are guilty of that in many ways without really realising.

DowntonCrabby · 27/06/2019 16:44

It does sound like it’s more about her than you.

Is she struggling a lot? It sounds like she maybe is if that is her first response rather than congratulations.

What did you reply and how did the conversation follow after?

I do agree with PP that with those we are closest to we are vaguely aware of their situation. It was a bit of an ofd comment though.

Congratulations Flowers

Chune · 27/06/2019 16:47

Does she have children herself? It was a clumsy comment but she may be speaking from experience?

Three kids is expensive, it can take costs to another level- what cars you drive, how many packs of xxxx you need to buy in the supermarket, family tickets often no longer fit etc

CSIblonde · 27/06/2019 16:53

If she's a friend she'll know, from your lifestyle & habits, whether you say it or not, if there are financial issues. You say 'I don't mention my financial worries'. That sounds like you have some.

Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 27/06/2019 17:07

She has no kids, she still lives at home with her parents. I'm confused as to saying that I don't disclose my information means I have any worries? I have many close friends and money doesn't come up as a topic nor would I expect it to. Doesn't mean they're all struggling.

I responded with we're fine thanks and moved on.

OP posts:
Original poster
spottytiger45445 · 27/06/2019 17:10

I get it was probably supposed to be in a caring kind of way but it was random to me because I don't talk about our situation to her. But she knows we have our own car, house, space for another, can support another etc...

OP posts: