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Original poster

Am I just an ego boost?

66 replies

ContraryMaryRises · 27/06/2019 11:21

Please can someone help me get my head around this. Google hasn’t helped me with it.

A man I really like has been seriously flirting with me for a year, giving me the impression that he’s interested in me but making up excuses whenever I suggest meeting up alone. He always seems to have a really good genuine reason but doesn’t immediately come back with an alternative date. However he does suggest meeting up in a group and we have done this several times and always have a great time. Basically every suggestion that I make is met with a no. It’s always on his terms.

However, we get on extremely well. He calls me about once a week for long chats and we have deep interesting conversations. We text about every 2-3 days.

I’m very attracted to him. We have a mutual male friend who I am 100% sure hasn’t spoken to him about me but this mutual friend is annoyed because he thinks that DF (friend) is just after an ego boost.

I did think at one point that DF was attracted to me as there was lots of intense eye contact, welling up from him, etc. However it hasn’t amounted to anything.

He’s a great catch but isn’t necessarily the most conventionally handsome guy. He’s also quite shy around women.

So I have decided to accept that he’s not attracted to me or else he would make a move. I think our friend could be right in that he just wants me as an ego boost.

The thing that I don’t understand is why would someone do that? I wouldn’t string along someone I like (and I know that he definitely likes me as a friend). Is it because he’s insecure? I’m not remotely insecure myself so I just don’t get the psychology of it. If you are enjoying the attention of a man you have no intention of being with, please can you explain it to me?

Thanks

OP posts:
VivienneHolt · 27/06/2019 11:23

It sounds like he really likes you as a friend but possibly not as a romantic prospect?

Either way, you don’t have to let him behave this way. If it doesn’t make you feel good you’re absolutely entitled to disengage from him.

AtrociousCircumstance · 27/06/2019 11:27

Sounds crap OP. Just a prolonged headfuck for you. Who cares why he does it? He’s not interested and he sounds like a dick. You’ve wasted enough time on this person - he must like the ego boost but isn’t into you really.

If you’re desperate for a reason why he might do it, you probably already know: he’s behaving in certain ways to keep you interested because he enjoys you wanting him; he is not interested in you.

Move on, detach.

Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 27/06/2019 12:34

Thanks everyone. The thing is, when we’re talking on the phone or see each other, it’s such a great feeling. We seem to bring out the best in each other. Sounds cheesy but it’s like we’re both on fire!!

He’s also paid me plenty of compliments but of course he could just be saying that he thinks I’m beautiful without having any actual feelings for me.

So I don’t really want to withdraw from the friendship because it feels so special. If I could just accept that we’re friends and never going to be anything else.

I do want to understand the reasoning behind his behaviour though and this whole ego boost thing.

OP posts:
Yeahnahmum · 27/06/2019 13:05

"We seem to bring out the best in each other. "

And by the best you mean him never wanting to meet you for a 1 one 1 meeting. Righto Grin.

Girl,he is just not that into you! Get your selfesteem level off the floor and go out into the real world and meet some descent bloke!

ConkerGame · 27/06/2019 13:14

OP the ego boost thing goes like this - it’s always nice when other people think you are fun, attractive, good company. So he’s pleased that you clearly feel that way about him and he enjoys the attention and compliments you give him, as well as your company.

However, for whatever reason, he doesn’t have romantic feelings towards you (or he does but has a reason why he doesn’t want things to progress e.g. he also likes someone else; he’s planning on moving to the other side of the world soon, etc).

The kind thing to do in this situation would be to make it clear to you that he’s not interested - stop the calls, stop the compliments etc. However, that would mean losing your attention and appreciation, so he is deciding to have his cake and eat it. He still gets your adoration and company but is free to get with whoever else he wants / move abroad at a moment’s notice etc.

Not nice but have seen it a number of times. It’s up to you to up your standards and put up your own boundaries I’m afraid. Don’t settle for anything less than someone who adores you and doesn’t play games!

Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 27/06/2019 13:32

Thank you. Well I am going to stop suggesting meeting up for a start. I haven’t suggested meeting one to one for a couple of months and he has asked to meet in a group and he’s organising that.

You’re right. I need stricter boundaries but it’s hard to impose those when we’re supposed to be just friends.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 27/06/2019 13:44

He knows you like him but he doesn't feel the same so a group setting is safe maybe.

Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 27/06/2019 22:59

He knows you like him but he doesn't feel the same so a group setting is safe maybe. Just reading that made me shudder. How humiliating.

OP posts:
Tallgreenbottle · 27/06/2019 23:10

He's just a friend OP. Just imagine he was a woman. You're allowed to be close friends without the need for anything romantic o happen, and by the sounds of it either you're a beard or he just isn't in to you like that. Don't be that weird friend that projects romance on to platonic friendships.

Leeds2 · 27/06/2019 23:24

I would avoid him for a while. Take some, but not all, of his calls. If he is arranging a group meet up, go to some but not all of them. I don't think stopping suggesting one to one meetings is enough, if I'm honest. He likes the attention, but doesn't want a relationship. Stop stoking his ego!

firesong · 27/06/2019 23:49

Ha, I had something extremely similar before! And you've guessed what happens when they sense your loss of interest / that you've met someone else... yep - suddenly he's talking about how he "missed the boat" and would like to meet up, etc etc. Too late!

Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 28/06/2019 00:26

Tallgreenbottle I don’t want to be weird. If we’re not soulmates (because this is one sided) then we have certainly become best friends. We finish each other’s sentences, say stuff at the same time. Someone once said we were separated at birth. I’m not used to such an intense mutual interest from a guy being purely platonic but I guess it must be.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 28/06/2019 00:28

Leeds2, I think I’m scared to back off because I value the friendship so much. I love the level of contact we have. I know you’re right though.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 28/06/2019 00:29

firesong I wish that would happen in my case.

OP posts:
Tavannach · 28/06/2019 00:33

I'm sorry, I know it's not what you want to hear but it's been a year. If he was interested in having a relationship you'd be in one by now.

NorthEndGal · 28/06/2019 00:34

He very clearly likes you as a friend, but not more.
That's why every single time he skips being alone with you, but makes the effort to do group hang outs .
That is why he has never tried to be physically intimate with you, or asked to rebook one of the alone dates.

Appreciate the good friend he is, and accept it as that. You don't have to lose the friendship, just stop thinking of it as more

Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 28/06/2019 00:37

I just don’t understand it. Doesn’t the most amazing friendship ever (and I doubt he’s had better) plus thinking the woman is beautiful equal attraction? I don’t understand why I’m not good enough for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 28/06/2019 00:38

And I know that I’m his type.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 28/06/2019 00:39

Yeah. I know that I have to do this You don't have to lose the friendship, just stop thinking of it as more

OP posts:
NorthEndGal · 28/06/2019 00:40

Not doesn't. It means you have a strong set of things in common, and he recognizes your looks. That doesn't make attraction, chemistry, or desire.
It makes a good friend , who can acknowledge your looks without wanting to bang you

Angypangydee · 28/06/2019 00:42

I think he loves your personality but isn't attracted to you for a relationship . Personally I'd enjoy having a new cool friend I could do group stuff with!

I would say though if you think you're at risk of being obsessed with him/overanalysing / thinking he's leading you on/ sending you secret signals then PLEASE detach or get online and date other guys or something.

You're mates, you find him attractive that's cool now go get yourself meeting new people if you want the relationship

I've known some horrible situations where someone has just got more and more obsessed with a crush and then basically got really frustrated and resentful and possessive and embarrassed when their crush turns up with the woman they actually want to date, who they've been seeing for three weeks.

Don't do that yourself .

TigerJoy · 28/06/2019 00:45

Ugh, men.

I can't tell you why he's doing this but I can tell you that it's common. After I snogged a guy a couple of times we then spent MONTHS talking on the phone / sexting but we never hooked up again and he never wanted to meet up one to one. I have no idea why. He actually spent EIGHT YEARS then messaging me in the middle of the night being flirtatious. Why bother?!?!? I found it really perplexing and talking to female friends it is quite common and I believe known as breadcrumbing.

I don't think it's as simple as just wanting to be friends - I think he probably does want an ego boost. I have no idea why, but I wouldn't waste your time trying to understand it.

If I were you I would take many steps back from him and invest more of your time and energy in people who want to spend time with you one on one and face to face - both friends and potential romantic partners.

What this guy is doing is not very nice, and you deserve better.

MonnieMoo · 28/06/2019 00:49

It sounds like he just considers you to be a friend. It’s not that weird.

HW89 · 28/06/2019 00:53

Awww I feel for you! I think he is taking advantage slightly and he knows what he is doing. You don’t need to do anything drastic, just cut the phone calls (make an excuse but be friendly and polite) and when you are in a group setting make sure to include him in your conversations but DO NOT give him more attention than anybody else and try and stick with somebody else maybe? You sound lovely, self belief in your own worth my sweet. Good luck xxx

lhastingsmua · 28/06/2019 06:51

You two get along, but he doesn’t want anything more. I think ‘talking’ for a year without anything more intimate reflects that, if he was into you he’d be all over you. If he’s a shy person, you’d still get a bit more progression than this, shy people can go on dates and have relationships too!

It doesn’t matter if you’re his type, he can still find you attractive but not want to actually date you - I know plenty of attractive people that I wouldn’t date for various reasons, eg being incompatible in other ways, seeing the person as a friend, it being too close to home etc.

Really the best thing to do would be start to date other people as this ‘situationship’ will only start to impact your self esteem in the long term

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