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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I just an ego boost?

66 replies

ContraryMaryRises · 27/06/2019 11:21

Please can someone help me get my head around this. Google hasn’t helped me with it.

A man I really like has been seriously flirting with me for a year, giving me the impression that he’s interested in me but making up excuses whenever I suggest meeting up alone. He always seems to have a really good genuine reason but doesn’t immediately come back with an alternative date. However he does suggest meeting up in a group and we have done this several times and always have a great time. Basically every suggestion that I make is met with a no. It’s always on his terms.

However, we get on extremely well. He calls me about once a week for long chats and we have deep interesting conversations. We text about every 2-3 days.

I’m very attracted to him. We have a mutual male friend who I am 100% sure hasn’t spoken to him about me but this mutual friend is annoyed because he thinks that DF (friend) is just after an ego boost.

I did think at one point that DF was attracted to me as there was lots of intense eye contact, welling up from him, etc. However it hasn’t amounted to anything.

He’s a great catch but isn’t necessarily the most conventionally handsome guy. He’s also quite shy around women.

So I have decided to accept that he’s not attracted to me or else he would make a move. I think our friend could be right in that he just wants me as an ego boost.

The thing that I don’t understand is why would someone do that? I wouldn’t string along someone I like (and I know that he definitely likes me as a friend). Is it because he’s insecure? I’m not remotely insecure myself so I just don’t get the psychology of it. If you are enjoying the attention of a man you have no intention of being with, please can you explain it to me?

Thanks

OP posts:
Toffeecakes · 28/06/2019 07:13

Oh OP, I had this happen to me and looking back, I feel quite embarrassed (not saying you should be). My DF would text almost every day, invite me to his house to watch movies, meet up for drinks as a group and one on one, I ended up being totally dependent on him for my self esteem, but he was obsessed with the fact I had an ex who I still spoke to and visited (now and then, he lived abroad). However, there was only one occasion that things went beyond friends and that was when he tried to kiss me on Christmas Eve. Even that was ambiguous though, he hugged me and then tapped his lips, so I kissed him - but it wasn’t exactly romantic.

I found out from a mutual friend that he was still having sex with his ex, he saw her at least twice a week and this involved meeting in hotels and at his house. He was completely controlled by her, she would go through his phone and if she called or text she would expect an answer immediately. I knew that she would call and text, but I didn’t know the extent of it at the time or that he was meeting her.

It all got a bit weird, he’d disappear for weeks saying that he didn’t want to see anyone. Then he’d come back as if nothing had happened, I’d been to visit my ex with a group of friends and he was livid with me. I ended up deleting his number - my reasoning was that if he wanted me to contact him then he’d make the first move. After I deleted his number I couldn’t get in touch with him (no sm at this point) and he didn’t get in touch, ever. It made me realise that he wasn’t interested and I was just an ego boost for him.

I’m embarrassed now because I’d believed it was going somewhere, he obviously knew it wasn’t but wanted to keep me as an option. I’d recommend taking a step back, don’t be so available. Go on dates with other people and see how he reacts, and how you actually feel.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 28/06/2019 07:42

seriously flirting with me for a year,

You should back away/extract yourself from this situation - no good/healthy relationship ever took this long to get off the ground

You are being used emotionally mas a girlfriend substitute

Rainbowqueeen · 28/06/2019 07:52

I was actually wondering if he was gay?? No one else?

But I think it’s time for you to assess what you want. Are you looking for a partner? Do you want to find someone special to share your life with? Because if you do, you need to reframe your friendship with this guy as just a friendship and spend more time trying to meet someone rather than wondering when things are going to happen with DF. He is holding you back from developing a romantic relationship with someone else and that’s not a nice thing to do to a friend.

Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 28/06/2019 08:26

Thanks so much everyone for your replies and for sharing your similar stories.

Like the previous poster, I do wonder whether, if I never contacted him again, would he just disappear? I think that I value our friendship more than he does, sadly. I was making excuses for him thinking that some friends are just like that, especially guys, but I think he may just not be that bothered. The thing is, he seems to relish the contact when we have it. If I text him he calls immediately for a long chat and seems genuinely very pleased to hear from me.

OP posts:
Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 28/06/2019 08:30

I don’t think he’s gay.

I just feel hurt, humiliated, silly.

Plan - let him lead a bit more on our communication, try to stop thinking about him in a romantic or sexual way, open myself up to other opportunities, concentrate on making myself happy.

OP posts:
Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 28/06/2019 08:40

would he just disappear?

Maybe but most likely not. He likes the emotional comfort you provide.

I would also suggest that by “letting him lead” you are giving him more power and allowing yourself to be made passive.
You are essentially going to be sitting around waiting for him.
I’d be distancing myself and knocking the phone calls on the head (even if he phones you... “sorry can’t chat just rushing out the door!” Etc)

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 28/06/2019 08:42

Also Flowers FlowersFlowers
I’ve been in a similar situation - the actual “girlfriend to be” was abroad in 9 months and I was used as entertainment while she was away. I still cringe when I think of it now and it was awful.

Socksontheradiator · 28/06/2019 09:56

I have been in a similar relationship. I knocked it on the head and went nc in the end because as a pp put it, it's a head fuck.
It does say more about him than you. Take a look at 'baggage reclaim' which is a blog about getting yourself out of relationships with 'unavailable' men.
Best wishes. I know it's very painful!

TheJoxter · 28/06/2019 09:58

I had a ‘friend’ like this. I thought it was going somewhere but it became apparent that he was just enjoying the attention. Luckily for me he moved abroad and I haven’t seen him since!

StayAChild · 28/06/2019 10:45

I thought gay before I got to the end of your 2nd paragraph. His attachment to you would definitely support that theory - great friend, complimentary of your looks, enjoys long phone calls, enjoys your company in groups, doesn't risk 1-1 situations.

If not, and you say you don't think he is, for your own sanity it's time to take a big step back and see what happens.
Ask him what he thinks of online dating, as if you're thinking of trying it yourself. Wink

dangerrabbit · 28/06/2019 13:53

I would distance yourself from this game player

Original poster
ContraryMaryRises · 28/06/2019 18:09

Arghh. I know that I have to distance myself but it’s so hard.

OP posts:
sevenoftwelve · 28/06/2019 19:58

I'm not convinced by the suggestion this must be because he's gay. Surely if that were the case it would still be a balanced friendship. Gay people are not incapable of having healthy friendships. Whereas this is so one sided and reads as quite deliberately manipulative. Seems more likely he's just a user.

seems genuinely very pleased to hear from me.

Yeh, he's high on how powerful he feels that he's got you on a string dancing for him. That you'll keep coming back and giving yourself to him even when he doesn't bother that much. You sound a little desperate even here, so I expect he sees that and gets a kick from it.

A genuinely platonic friendship wouldn't be so unbalanced - he would contact you, you wouldn't be strung along with cancellations, you'd see each other outside of group settings... It wouldn't be you chasing him and lapping up his apparent pleasure at being contacted as affirmation of your value. (If it made him so happy to have contact with you, he'd initiate that contact himself.)

Your self esteem seems quite dependent on him. Your emotional and social wellbeing sounds scarily dependent on him too, actually. To have let him treat you like this for a year and yet to be here writing about "soulmates". I worry for you.

I think you're seeing the rose tinted version you wish was happening rather than what's actually going on. Is it really that you didn't understand what was meant by "ego boost" or just that you didn't want to believe it applied?

sevenoftwelve · 28/06/2019 20:03

"Distance yourself" by filling the space you keep in your life for him with other people, other activities, other relationships, and more attention to your own needs and own value. Notice the people who initiate contact with you and want to spend time with you.

There's no need to do it in a way that feels torturous.

And maybe don't give "intense eye contact" so much weight in future.

Sparklesocks · 28/06/2019 20:11

In my experience of these situations if both parties are equally interested and unattached then something will happen. It just does, quite organically.

As nothing has happened by now I don’t think it will. Never say never of course but it’s unlikely, and not worth pinning all your hopes on.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 28/06/2019 20:24

If you feel you are so close, ask him.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 28/06/2019 20:30

He's playing you like a fiddle OP. Back away, to continue as you are is the way madness lies.

Apileofballyhoo · 28/06/2019 20:40

My friend actually ended up engaged to a guy like this. The whole on again off again thing went on for years. I think he just didn't want to be in a relationship, but he didn't want her to move on either as he wanted to pick her up and drop her when and where it suited him. She eventually said she wasn't getting back together unless they got engaged so he did that and then dropped her again afterwards (wedding invitations sent and everything).

We could never figure it out. He couldn't leave her alone to get on with her life but didn't seem to want to be with her either.

It's not you, it's him.

Sarcelle · 28/06/2019 20:53

If he isn't gay, he is keeping you on the back burner in case he wants a relationship with you in the future. You are Plan B perhaps. You need to move on.

Angypangydee · 28/06/2019 20:58

It is tough to strike a balance in that I DO think some guys prefer women to do some of the romantic and communication and instigating etc. In fact that seems to be more the social norm than not for attractive guys?

I mean if I only dated blokes who “pursued “ me (hate that phrase )they’d often simply not the kind of guy I want to date in the first place (ie creeps or with qualities that made them the kind of guy most women don’t want). But yes, not agreeing to meet 1-1 is pretty telling

Actually that’s a good point pps have made - why not just instigate a discussion? Keep it light and honest - “I’m developing a bit of a crush on you and I find it difficult - what do you think I should do ? ”. I think his response (or lack) would be interesting. At least it would give you closure.

And if you do feel you communicate so well you should be able to tell him that, no?

Laiste · 28/06/2019 21:24

Do you not chat with him about past/present relationships OP?

If i was 'feeling the water' with someone that would be my first port of call. Get the talk around to his ex's and how he woo'd them, did he wait for them to make the first move? How did he treat them? does he still 'see' any of them?

Does he not ask you about your love life? IME it's one of the first things a guy will ask you about when they're a bit shy but wanting to take things further. Does he ever try to encourage you to date?

Laiste · 28/06/2019 21:28

When i was much younger i was friends with a bloke. I wasn't sure how he felt about me but I fancied the pants off him.

One day i told him i fancied a guy. I asked him what he thought the best thing for me to do about it was. He looked very sad and grumpily said ''oh i dunno - just kiss him i guess''. So i leaned over and kissed him ShockGrin It went down well.

firesong · 28/06/2019 22:00

To a lot of men (and some women, of course), timing is everything... if you're that close, has he talked about whether he is looking for a relationship? If he isn't ready, then he probably won't even consider it. Just lead your life, enjoy yourself, and who knows. Maybe if things are that good, you will be together. Or you will be very happy with someone else. Don't let your world revolve around this man.

snowballupahill · 28/06/2019 22:11

sorry coming out of a relationship after 20 years - consider the words narcissist or sociopath...can be amazingly charismatic but ultimately not very caring. Everything will be on his terms - just don't wait 20 years to maybe 'see' that he is not at all empathic.

Moomin12345 · 28/06/2019 22:12

OP. This is simple, but you're not going to like it. He's just not that into you (you should really read that book, btw). He clearly loves you keep his ego nourished with female attention, so he's been keeping you on the hook. It's a known phenomenon. You should ghost him because if you say you don't want to keep in touch, he'd say any old cra* to keep you on the aforementioned hook. Good luck!