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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU over new house?

45 replies

SleepsleepsleepImissyou · 27/06/2019 08:59

Hi,

Genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable here, or not.

DP and I are looking to buy a house together (we are currently renting) and we got our mortgage approval through yesterday. We have seen a house we really love, it has everything we wanted, garden/storage e.t.c. So the plan was to make an offer today.

Discussing the house last night, DP decided to look at the bus services (he doesn't drive, but is learning to do so) serving the potential new house. There is one bus an hour going to where he needs to go, the journey takes 20 minutes but will drop him off 45 minutes too early. He is now saying he is not sure about this house as he doesn't want to hang around for 45 minutes.

For context, we have a limited budget for houses that we can afford. Especially since we need a 4 bed house to accomodate his children from a previous relationship (he has 4 children with his ex-wife who stay over 2-3 nights every week, and we have a young child together). The house is also on a direct bus route to where his ex-wife lives and the kids go to school, however he is not happy that the bus will drop them off at 8:10 in the morning, meaning he will get to school at about 8:30 so will be hanging round for 20 minutes, . We cannot afford a 4 bed house nearer the school, they are around 100k more than the one we have found.

My "AIBU" question is: Am I unreasonable in feeling a bit pissed off that he is not willing to compromise? In the nicest terms, I feel like I have compromised in being restricted to finding a house with a direct bus route to his children. I will add at this point that it is my savings that are funding the deposit for this house... I feel I have been quite supportive so far, but last night I just felt really disappointed and frustrated as I know I will not easily find such a nice house on the bus route, with the right amount of bedrooms and within our budget. It has taken me around 4 months to find this one!

Is it me being precious because I really like the house we have found? I can see from his point of view that it won't be fun hanging around for 45 minutes on the school run especially when it is cold/icy, but hopefully he will be driving by the time the winter season begins....

OP posts:
Blanca87 · 27/06/2019 09:02

Will you ring fence the deposit? It does feel like you are putting more into this relationship than he is.

IceRebel · 27/06/2019 09:05

I will add at this point that it is my savings that are funding the deposit for this house...

So you're not actually buying a house together as he isn't contributing to the purchase? If so yes he is being massively unreasonable. Given the house fits all the other criteria, and he is planning on learning to drive he needs to think long term, and this house works for the long term.

SummerCharl · 27/06/2019 09:07

So does he drop the kids off and then go onto work? So he will be 20 minutes early for the school drop off and 45 minutes early for work?

Olliphant · 27/06/2019 09:07

I second the above poster. Ring fence your deposit and get an agreement drawn up about how to split any profits made if you sell the house and split up. My friend bought a house with her deposit and then they played the mortgage together. She had an agreement drawn up and when they split she got her deposit back plus more of the profit as she had supplied the deposit. Not very romantic sounding but sensible.

ThePhoenixRises · 27/06/2019 09:08

Is the 6 weeks summer holidays soon, no school runs for a while, could he do one of the intense driving lesson things where you get to sit the test at the end of the intensive course.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 27/06/2019 09:09

Protect you're deposit he doesnt seem to be on the same page as you as you seem to more accommodating especially considering he has 4 DC where as you have only one dc to consider. He chosen to have so many DC and unfortunately he needs to realise why doing so he cant have everything he wants and if a house is available that meets you're needs and is in budget you take it.

hadthesnip2 · 27/06/2019 09:12

It will certainly focus his mind on passing his test then.

Original poster
SleepsleepsleepImissyou · 27/06/2019 09:15

Hi all,

Yes it is absolutely my plan to ringfence my deposit !
DP is currently learning to drive and taking lessons :) Hopefully he won't take too long to pass his test. I did look at those intensive courses, but the cost/arranging around working hours & childcare did not make it feasible....

OP posts:
Original poster
SleepsleepsleepImissyou · 27/06/2019 09:19

Oh and thank you for the replies!

OP posts:
Pythonesque · 27/06/2019 09:21

Bus routes and timetables change. The fact that there is a route is important, even if the timing were good it might change next year to something else. It doesn't sound bad enough to be the deal breaker. If there were a medical reason why he couldn't ever drive then you might need to think hard about it.

NCforthis2019 · 27/06/2019 09:23

It sounds as if you’re more invested in this relationship than he is. Sorry.

newmomof1 · 27/06/2019 09:33

YANBU. You've found a house that suits ALL of his needs (including accommodating for 4 SDC and a DP who doesn't drive!). That house is a unicorn.

Tell him if he's not willing to compromise you'll just stay where you are until he's passed his test as then you will have more flexibility with where you can live.
Dont back down and don't make any more allowances for him.

You're the one making the house purchase possibly financially as well! He's taking a lot and giving absolutely nothing back.

Original poster
SleepsleepsleepImissyou · 27/06/2019 09:34

@NCforthis2019

I can see that it looks that way however I think it's more along the lines of his children come first, and he doesn't want them hanging round outside the school e.g, or waiting with them for the bus to come to our house in cold weather for over half an hour potentially.

There are other buses he could take, but it would involve changing in the city centre and getting a different bus to the school. Above posters are correct, it does give him some incentive to get his test passed !

He did say sorry in bed last night for putting a dampener on things.

OP posts:
iseveryusernametakenorwhat · 27/06/2019 09:37

Why is he not just expecting to get his license? It doesn't make sense to be planning around buses as if it's an ongoing problem.

Geminijes · 27/06/2019 09:47

I think he is being unreasonable as, hopefully, he will be catching buses for a short period only.

Once he has passed his driving test, will you be able to afford a car and it's running costs?

SummerCharl · 27/06/2019 09:48

How old are the children?

And does he work?

LellyMcKelly · 27/06/2019 09:53

He can learn to drive in a few weeks on an intensive course. It’s not a big deal. Are you sure there’s no other reason he doesn’t want to move?

Angrybird123 · 27/06/2019 09:57

If we're talking about secondary school then they ought to be aiming to get there about 8. 30 to get their bags sorted, kit put away etc. I think you need to be v clear about how many boxes this house ticks. I do think you should ring fence your deposit.. (I didn't and only got it back in the divorce because ex felt guilty for leaving for ow) but I wouldn't use it as leverage to get your own way either.. It doesn't make for a happy relationship if one half feels beholden or indebted. 100% agree that the solution is to up the ante on the driving and get him passed ASAP

Original poster
SleepsleepsleepImissyou · 27/06/2019 09:58

Hi all,

3 of his children are at primary school, the eldest will be at high school next year. The high school is nearby the primary school, so part of the reason why we needed a house on a direct bus route was so that his eldest child would be able to just catch one bus in future, should they be coming to our house on their own for whatever reason. Normally they will just come home with DP when he picks the other children up from school.

Hopefully he can pass his test first time, but I know from experience (took me 3 times! ouch!) that it is not always that easy.

I guess one solution mentioned above could work, we could stay in our current house, however I would rather not continue renting at a higher price than the mortgage repayment would cost, plus the house we are in is not in a very nice area, we want to move away from there so the children can play outside in a garden safely e.t.c.

P.S Yes, DP works part time. He has his children over for 2 nights in the week, also on Saturday night through to Sunday afternoon. He also has his youngest child 2 days in the week and does 50% of school runs.

OP posts:
mistermagpie · 27/06/2019 10:02

How long have you been together? It sounds like you are making all the compromises while he makes none, is this a situation you will be happy with going forwards?

I'd probably buy the house myself in your situation. You're not married and you seem more invested in this than him. I own 'our' house myself (DH not on the mortgage or deeds) and it's not a big deal.

Ilovemylabrador · 27/06/2019 10:04

But the house alone but don’t buy it for him - he sounds like an absolute taker

akmum18 · 27/06/2019 10:21

He’s being unreasonsable, we have this issue living in our village and we made it work. Buses can be unreliable especially in cold weather so it may be late some mornings. I didn’t enjoy the rushing to be there in time for the bus so we started walking the route instead. It takes an hour and there are dangerous parts but it’s so much better overall. If he’s learning to drive anyway it will be a short term issue and not a deal breaker for a decent house imo. You’ve catered to his children he should be respectful and grateful.

Original poster
SleepsleepsleepImissyou · 27/06/2019 11:27

Thanks everyone for your replies!

I think I just needed to vent my frustration somewhere, I'm glad people don't think I'm being unreasonable!
Cannot apply for the mortgage on my own as apparently both working adults need to apply if we are co-habiting? Plus DP's income helps with the affordability checks :)

In summary, DP is just going to have to suck it up, I told him this morning short term pain for long term gain. So we are going to put the offer in as planned and hope we get accepted!

fingers crossed!

OP posts:
HiJenny35 · 27/06/2019 11:35

Once he passes his test can he drive to work? Is there parking? Permits required to park? If he would still need to take the bus then I think you're being unreasonable, 45 minutes wasted everyday is a lot over a year, however if he can drive to and from work then it's a non issue. 20 minutes in the cold before school when most of the year is cold is a lot in my opinion and I wouldn't pick a house that meant that for my own kids, however if he can drive them most days then again that would be a non issue. I think he's right to think about the daily practical issues rather than get carried away with the whole area house look.

AnybodysDude · 27/06/2019 11:39

A bus at that time of day almost definitely won't run to time. He may be ten minutes early but probably not 20 minutes every day! Not an issue now whilst the weather isn't too bad, and he should aim to pass his test before winter. It's ridiculous to turn down a perfect house because of a short term problem (that may even be resolved by the time you get to actually move).