AIBU over new house?

[SleepsleepsleepImissyou]

Hi,

Genuinely don't know if I am being unreasonable here, or not.

DP and I are looking to buy a house together (we are currently renting) and we got our mortgage approval through yesterday. We have seen a house we really love, it has everything we wanted, garden/storage e.t.c. So the plan was to make an offer today.

Discussing the house last night, DP decided to look at the bus services (he doesn't drive, but is learning to do so) serving the potential new house. There is one bus an hour going to where he needs to go, the journey takes 20 minutes but will drop him off 45 minutes too early. He is now saying he is not sure about this house as he doesn't want to hang around for 45 minutes.

For context, we have a limited budget for houses that we can afford. Especially since we need a 4 bed house to accomodate his children from a previous relationship (he has 4 children with his ex-wife who stay over 2-3 nights every week, and we have a young child together). The house is also on a direct bus route to where his ex-wife lives and the kids go to school, however he is not happy that the bus will drop them off at 8:10 in the morning, meaning he will get to school at about 8:30 so will be hanging round for 20 minutes, . We cannot afford a 4 bed house nearer the school, they are around 100k more than the one we have found.

My "AIBU" question is: Am I unreasonable in feeling a bit pissed off that he is not willing to compromise? In the nicest terms, I feel like I have compromised in being restricted to finding a house with a direct bus route to his children. I will add at this point that it is my savings that are funding the deposit for this house... I feel I have been quite supportive so far, but last night I just felt really disappointed and frustrated as I know I will not easily find such a nice house on the bus route, with the right amount of bedrooms and within our budget. It has taken me around 4 months to find this one!

Is it me being precious because I really like the house we have found? I can see from his point of view that it won't be fun hanging around for 45 minutes on the school run especially when it is cold/icy, but hopefully he will be driving by the time the winter season begins....

Cannot apply for the mortgage on my own as apparently both working adults need to apply if we are co-habiting? Plus DP's income helps with the affordability checks smile

I get the second part - you might not be able to afford the mortgage repayments on your own, but there is 100% no rule about working adults needing to apply together if they are co-habiting. In fact, when we were getting ours I was late to the initial meeting and our mortgage adviser reviewed DP's documents first and told him that he could apply on his own!

It would be utterly ridiculous to allow the house decision to be dictated by the availability of one particular bus, particularly given that the journey will only be necessary for a relatively short time and the bus route and timetable could change anyway. So glad he's changed his mind.

Are you both going to be paying equal amounts of the mortgage and/or bills?

If not, have you considered being ‘Tenants in Common’ rather than Joint? You could split the house ownership along proportional amounts of what each of you is paying. Alongside ring fencing the deposit.

Important because you have provided the deposit, are working full time and might be paying more for mortgage/household costs.

Also, does your will reflect this? Have you talked about marriage or in the event of one of you dying and the DCs inheritance?

Any reason your DP only works pt?

So your DP isn't contributing to the deposit for the very specific house/location that you need because of his DC and because he doesn't drive and he will only be working part time, and therefore unlikely to even be paying 50% going forwards. He's got a good life hasn't he?! He gets to make decisions while you're subsidising him and his DC and he sits on his ass half the week. He saw you coming!! This is going to end in tears one day op. You are far too accommodating. If he isn't the one paying, then ultimately he doesn't get to be the one choosing.

Is there a reason for his only working part time?

You absolutely don't need to buy the house together just because you are cohabiting, I bought our house alone and me and DH were married (and both working). Yes it affects affordability of course, but you also have to think what's best for you as well as what's best for him and his kids.

How long has he been having driving lessons? It's only June. He should be able to pass his test by the winter. Problem solved (hopefully).

I wouldn't consider a house where the bus service was only hourly, leaving me 45 minutes early for work every day or the kids waiting around. You have to make plans for if the bus service didn't run and who is to say your DP will pass his driving test?

'DP is just going to have to suck it up, I told him this morning short term pain for long term gain.'
You have told him? If a man was to do that then MNers would be up in arms talking of how controlling he is. I wouldn't make the decision on where DH and I lived. I would ensure we both felt happy about the decision and were in agreement.

The 45 minute wait (according to the estimated bus journey timetable) includes a 10-15 minute walk to school, so he would be hanging around waiting for about half an hour. In the spring/summer it would have been ok, as there is a nice park & playground they have to walk through to pass some time.
The waiting time is purely around the school pick up and drop offs as he can catch another more regular bus to work (he works in the city centre).
NB: He works part time as he provides the bulk of childcare, for our little one and also his other children.

Now I'm a little worried that you refer to me/imply me as being controlling. I thought I was being anything but controlling in finding a house with access to his children and with enough room to accomodate them all. Maybe not? I think it was my frustration coming out when I told DP to think of the long term benefits of living in a nice area, with a garden and a decent sized house, rather than focusing on the short term inconveniences, especially as he will eventually be able to drive.... I haven't ever brought up the fact that I am funding this purchase, other than saying "DP I have savings we can use to buy a house" because I don't want DP to feel like he has to walk on eggshells and be beholden to me over it, for the precise reason that I don't want to be a controlling person!

Buyers remorse/cold feet over madly minor things is common. Hopefully he’ll get out of it over the next day or so. I too think YANBU.

Surely by the time it all goes through he will be able to drive

@SleepsleepsleepImissyou ignore @Idontwanttotalk ... there's always one 🙄

The house is also on a direct bus route to where his ex-wife lives and the kids go to school
Going forward, this is logistically the most important thing to be considering wherever you move to.

Everyone can just suck up their 'waiting around times', read a book or something!
you're the one making the most sacrifices to enable the move and all he can do is whinge about having to fill in the extra time until he starts driving himself?
Ungrateful much?

I think you aren't controlling OP, more that you are the sort of person who quickly and accurately looks at all the factors that need to be considered, and sees the best answer to the overall problem.

The only problem with that is that some people put more weight to different things, or take longer to accept that what you've found IS the best solution.

There's a similar dynamic without the sulking with my DH and I. He sometimes thinks of me as dogmatic when I've thought of 10 different solutions very quickly and identified the only one that actually works, when he likes to meander through and sleep on things and think about them himself... Before arriving at the same conclusion.

Can you ask him to come up with something "better", and then talk about that with him?

He is being quite petty.

See it as an incentive to hurry up and learn to drive.

You are definitely not being controlling

It's terrible though that he cannot have every single wish indulged on this house purchase that he is making absolutely zero contribution to, and which has already been designed to accommodate every aspect of his massively more complex life which you have been happy to facilitate. Dreadful.

Thanks all,
I was worried then that I was coming off as controlling - I have been the victim of controlling in previous relationships, so was a bit concerned that I was being a bit blind to my own faults if that was the case!

I should probably defend DP in that he will be contributing to the mortgage payments, although his contribution will not be as much as mine, he is limiting his hours to provide childcare for our child, so I cannot say that he is not contributing in some way. I will be drawing up a will though around ring-fencing my own investments (i.e the deposit contribution - the proportion of a future house sale relating to my initial funding will be protected for me and my DC only, not DP's older children)

Once our child is in school, DP can start upping his hours and earning some more moolah :) Maybe he can even buy himself a car hehehe

He's being ridiculous!

Very easy to occupy yourself for 20-45 mins the time would fly by especially with all we can do on our phones now - music, reading, watch a tv episode, games, online forum, googling...

Is his workplace completely closed until the time he needs to get in to start work?

Also he could get extra lessons during summer holidays, if you drive he could get plenty of practice by going out driving with you/being the one to drive when you go out together. And then he'll be able to pass his test sooner.

He's being very narrow minded and short term in his thinking.

Also not only protecting your deposit, how are you splitting paying the mortgage given you're getting a much bigger house than you'd need due to his having so many kids?

"he doesn't want them hanging round outside the school e.g, or waiting with them for the bus to come to our house in cold weather for over half an hour potentially." Why?! It really won't do them any harm providing they're wearing appropriate clothes and shoes! Get them running around playing if anything it'd be good for them!

"45 minutes wasted everyday is a lot over a year" not everyday, he only works part time and only has kids part time.

"20 minutes in the cold before school" it's the uk not sodding Siberia! Ridiculous pampering attitude. Cold weather (which in this country is rarely much below freezing) won't do a child any harm.

@Graphista

Haha.... well this was my thinking last night. But have been trying to see it from his point of view/trying to understand his point of view.
I think he is starting to understand it from my point of view now as well... at least I hope so....

I’d say buying it would be a great incentive for him to pass his test.