Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I being taken for a ride?

41 replies

machinewashable · 26/06/2019 20:42

Name changed as didn't want this with my regular username.

When I met DP he'd been separated from ex for about 6 months, picked his 2 children up from school every day and went to the park, wacky warehouse etc and spent all day Sunday with them and this lasted about another 6 months until we moved into our own place together, DP changed jobs and since then they started staying over on a Sunday night and Wednesday night.

Now were are nearly years later, she has a new baby and we have DSC pick up Saturday at 11am - Monday morning school drop of, Wednesday after school - Friday drop of.

I feel I don't have any weekends anymore as DP has to work Saturdays meaning I do pick up and look after them all day. I have told DP I'm not happy with his arrangement and think we should do every other Saturday so I can get some time to see my family, catch up with friends etc however DP says I knew he had kids and Ex won't have it as she says if nobody comes to get them he can't see them and will have to take her to court. I don't want to waste money by going to court (Ex doesn't work so I think we would have to pay all costs?) however I think something should be put in place as he pays maintenance for the few afternoon she has them?

We do all holidays, birthday parties, school trips, basically everything and I feel so much stress I don't think this is what I expected?

OP posts:
Original poster
machinewashable · 26/06/2019 20:43

That should say 2 years later..

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 26/06/2019 20:46

I'd be getting myself a Saturday job and let your dp sort it out

SpottedHill · 26/06/2019 20:50

So he expects you to provide childcare to his children every single Saturday?

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/06/2019 20:51

I feel your DP's ex is taking the piss. She isn't very interested in her children and the co-parenting needs to split more fairly.

However, your DP sounds like he is doing what he should. Being there for his children.

I feel if you can't accept that he has become the primary parent to those children and all that entails, then you need to find a partner whose lifestyle and family situation is more suited to your own.

Lifeisabeach09 · 26/06/2019 20:51

Aside from the Saturday job, that is.

Howyiz · 26/06/2019 20:52

If you are doing 4 nights out of 7. She should be paying you maintenance.
So your DP gets a day off in the week while you work and sc is in school yet you get no time off even though she isn't your child? You are being taken for a ride.

AnathemaPulsifer · 26/06/2019 20:54

You have them more than 50% so why is he paying maintenance??

Definitely not unreasonable to want some time to yourself at weekends. Could you see family and friends on Sundays?

Original poster
machinewashable · 26/06/2019 20:57

No formal agreement to maintenance. He gave it when they separated and just hasn't stopped, I tell him all the time but I'm just seen at the interfering girlfriend.

@AnathemaPulsifer Sunday is "family day" and wouldn't hear the end of it if I didn't go.

OP posts:
Banhaha · 26/06/2019 21:02

He should be looking after them not you. If he can't then he needs to rearrange contact so he can. Can you go and see family and friends by yourself?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/06/2019 21:04

DP says I knew he had kids he is right. Back then you thoght you could cope, maybe even quite like it. How do you feel about it now?

His having said that doesn't make it a fait accompli You can make other choices.sp does he.

What do YOU want to do? How long can you continue living as you are? Do you already resent the kids, him as well as his ex? Nobody would blame you if you did as your position sounds untenable.

You know you have to think about this as being the way the rest of your life will be... is that what you want for yourself?

Nobody elses feelings matter... just yours... what you YOU want?

Ayemama · 26/06/2019 21:06

You're right he shouldn't be paying maintenance but he will worry she pulls contact if he stops.
When do you get a day off?
If you left him how would he manage?
Could he swap shifts so he doesn't work a Saturday?
The fact that you're being tethered like this by him is a little worrying, does he show any other controlling behaviour?

Original poster
machinewashable · 26/06/2019 21:07

@CuriousaboutSamphire I don't resent the kids at all, feel sorry for them really cause their mom just doesn't give a shit.

Starting to resent DP that he won't put his foot down to this shit situation. Love the holidays and everything we do together, I just don't think it's my problem to be the Saturday carer by default if that makes sense x

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 26/06/2019 21:11

However, your DP sounds like he is doing what he should. Being there for his children

Except for when hes expecting op to be there for them instead.

I think him and ex are taking advantage of op. Also no maintenance should be getting paid to ex. If anything she should be paying you!

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/06/2019 21:12

I just don't think it's my problem to be the Saturday carer by default if that makes sense It will make perfect sens to everyone who reads it here. It should make sense to your DP but he will have the fear of retribution hanging over him.

Which is why this really does boil down to what you want out of your life and whether you think that living like this for the next however many years can be part of it.

Tallgreenbottle · 26/06/2019 21:15

How can she pull contact when you and your dp are the main parent/main household Hmm

She's full of shit. I'd move them in permanently OP, get a babysitter when needed and tell her to take you to court.

fedup21 · 26/06/2019 21:17

If you are doing 4 nights out of 7. She should be paying you maintenance.So your DP gets a day off in the week while you work and sc is in school yet you get no time off even though she isn't your child?You are being taken for a ride.

This ^^.

Yes, you are being taken for a ride. He’s using your Saturday off as childcare!

Aquamarine1029 · 26/06/2019 21:19

You should resent your partner because he's taking total advantage of you. You're little more than a glorified babysitter. I would be making a swift exit.

ChuckleBuckles · 26/06/2019 21:20

but I'm just seen at the interfering girlfriend

Until it suits them both to have you running about caring for the DC, not seeing your own family or just having a lazy day. He is making a fool out of you OP.

Original poster
machinewashable · 26/06/2019 21:21

Thanks everyone. Will be having a real think about the future Sad

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 26/06/2019 21:21

He is definitely not considering your feelings and he is using "you should have known" as a way to shut you up.

Only you can decide if he will listen to you or if you can tolerate the routine.
Btw, I don't think you should tolerate it as it will make you very unhappy and resentful.

It doesnt look optimistic for change as a decent partner would know that its unfair. Can you imagine forcing your partner to do childcare every Sat and not listening when he tried to talk to you about it?

The focus here is that he is not listening to you and doesnt seem to care. He has choices, stand up to the Ex or change his job. Court doesn't have to be expensive, he could apply now for mediation and his Ex may just cave .He doesn't need a solicitor even if it went to court as a local court would help him with paperwork and many people go to court as ligiitant in person. Given he has so much contact already he is likely to get an order that works for the children.

Rather than ignoring you he could be online getting info and moving the legal process forwards. I suspect if it suited him he would be going to court!

bridgetreilly · 26/06/2019 21:21

Why doesn't he go and pick them up after work on the Saturday? You don't need to go and get them earlier in the day. That's ridiculous.

MonkeyTrap · 26/06/2019 21:24

Your DSC had two parents and between them they should sort the bulk of the childcare. This is ok occasionally but not every weekend.

Realistically Mum isn’t going to take your OH to court, doesn’t sound like she can afford it and she won’t withhold contact as it will be too much hassle for her.

I would say I’m doing x on Saturday you sort DSC.

Hiphopopotamous · 26/06/2019 21:29

What happens if you have plans on a Saturday where you can't take children?

LennieLou · 26/06/2019 21:39

For 4 nights out of 7 she should be paying him maintenance, he's being taken for a ride there! It's great he's a good dad but should also consider your feelings too if your helping every week with childcare. You sound like a great step mum also.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/06/2019 21:42

It's unreasonable to expect you to do childcare every week if you aren't happy to.

I don't think it's unreasonable to have his dc every weekend, families with dc don't generally get free weekends.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread