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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I being taken for a ride?

41 replies

machinewashable · 26/06/2019 20:42

Name changed as didn't want this with my regular username.

When I met DP he'd been separated from ex for about 6 months, picked his 2 children up from school every day and went to the park, wacky warehouse etc and spent all day Sunday with them and this lasted about another 6 months until we moved into our own place together, DP changed jobs and since then they started staying over on a Sunday night and Wednesday night.

Now were are nearly years later, she has a new baby and we have DSC pick up Saturday at 11am - Monday morning school drop of, Wednesday after school - Friday drop of.

I feel I don't have any weekends anymore as DP has to work Saturdays meaning I do pick up and look after them all day. I have told DP I'm not happy with his arrangement and think we should do every other Saturday so I can get some time to see my family, catch up with friends etc however DP says I knew he had kids and Ex won't have it as she says if nobody comes to get them he can't see them and will have to take her to court. I don't want to waste money by going to court (Ex doesn't work so I think we would have to pay all costs?) however I think something should be put in place as he pays maintenance for the few afternoon she has them?

We do all holidays, birthday parties, school trips, basically everything and I feel so much stress I don't think this is what I expected?

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 26/06/2019 21:49

I don't think it's unreasonable to have his dc every weekend, families with dc don't generally get free weekends.

But usually one of the parents looks after them. That isn't the case here.

Original poster

machinewashable · 26/06/2019 21:54

@Stompythedinosaur I'm happy to have them every weekend, just maybe share the weekend every other week?

OP posts:

MonkeyTrap · 26/06/2019 22:00

Having them all weekend every weekend is very different. You should definitely be able to alternate weekends. Could you do one week on one week off? Might be easier transition for the kids too.

Purpleartichoke · 26/06/2019 22:03

If he has to work during his parenting time and you don’t want to provide free child card, then simply have him hire someone to watch his kids.

RhymesWithOrange · 26/06/2019 22:13

This is awful. He starts a new relationship very soon after splitting from his kids' mother and then soon after that uses his new girlfriend as an unpaid babysitter.

This man is not nice and you need to step back from all the drama with his kids and his ex. It will not end well for you.

Chickychoccyegg · 26/06/2019 22:19

I'd seriously be reconsidering this relationship, he's using you as childcare and doesn't even seem to appreciate it's a lot expecting you to give up every single saturday!

hsegfiugseskufh · 26/06/2019 22:23

. He starts a new relationship very soon after splitting from his kids' mother

Well so did she clearly since she has a new baby... is that ok then?

granadagirl · 26/06/2019 22:50

You need to speak up for yourself, there not your children as much as you like/get on with them. If it stops you from doing what you want on your weekend off and their not your children then NO. You work all week and you can’t have free time to do what YOU want because off his children, when he works !! Then NO , HE doesn’t pick them up till HE finishes work on the SAT. That way YOU have the day to yourself

Put your foot down, she the mother is full off shit and pulling the strings. There’s no way she would stop them seeing them, it’s HER free time.

SavingSpaces2019 · 26/06/2019 23:04

DP says I knew he had kids
Yea - but i bet you didn't have a conversation about being the unpaid childcare for his kids let alone come to an agreement?

He won't sort out proper court arranged contact - so he chooses to let his ex call the shots in his life.
He won't sort out the maintenance so is happy to fund his ex's lifestyle - whilst you're forced to contribute towards their costs.
He won't change his own working pattern to look after his own kids.

I'm not surprised he moved in with you 6 months after separating from his ex - he didn't want the responsibility of parenting on his own.
He wanted a free childminder - and he got one.

Just say 'no'.
Those kids have two parents and at least one of them needs to step up.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 27/06/2019 07:45

Do you see a future with this man? Are you planning on starting your own family with him? It seems to me that you are having to pick up the slack from his ex because she has moved on and had another baby. What would happen if you had a baby in the future? Do you think that she would reciprocate?

billy1966 · 27/06/2019 07:55

Yes you are being taken for a complete ride.
Cop on.
You are being used.
And they both know it and are probably having a right laugh behind your back.

Is this really all you expect from a relationship.
To be the convenient babysitter.

Exactly what sorted of future do you envisage.

Think hard. Dump. Move on.

fedup21 · 27/06/2019 07:57

He wouldn’t be able to ‘offer’ this Saturday childcare if he hadn’t met you, would he!?

BedraggledBlitz · 27/06/2019 08:06

Wow sounds like you've done plenty, now it's a parent's turn.

I was in a similar position with my ex. Kids every weekend. I loved them but it got to a point when I wasn't seeing my friends, and was actually turning down invitations cos "we've got the kids". Ex would have a lie in, go to gym etc while I looked after his kids. I was a mug. Once we split he stopped having them every week

Anyway you need to put your foot down. Eow is perfectly reasonable. And yes you knew he had kids, but more importantly he knows HE has kids - therefore HE needs to take responsibility.

iseveryusernametakenorwhat · 27/06/2019 08:08

Yeah you're being taken advantage of, massively. If you weren't around he'd have to sort it out. You're allowed to have a life too.

If I were him I'd let her take me to court. He'll probably get a fairer deal. It's ridiculous that he pays her maintenance. He sounds completely wet - except for telling you what to do of course!

If this were me op I'd walk away from the relationship, even if he did sort it out. The way he's taken your time so selfishly and treated you like a babysitter doesn't say much about him. He doesn't sound like he cares about your part in this at all.

SummerCharl · 27/06/2019 08:09

So when he told you about his kids did he also say "and I'll be expecting you to provide the childcare for them every Saturday, too"?

Because what he is saying is bollocks. Of course the children have to be taken into account when you start a relationship with anyone who is a parent. But that's way different to expecting you to sacrifice any time to yourself at the weekends.

You say that in addition to expecting you to do the childcare on a Saturday he also expects you to spend every Sunday with him and the kids as family time? Does he actually do any parenting just him and his children?

fedup21 · 27/06/2019 08:17

So when he told you about his kids did he also say "and I'll be expecting you to provide the childcare for them every Saturday, too"?

Exactly!

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