AIBU four kids & super stressy and horrible hate myself

[Tg3LAS]

Kids are 14,7,5 and 19 months. I am married and he's helpful and does his bit. I still probably do more tbh but he is chipping in.

I'm just not coping. I've always been really highly strung and can get really irritable but these days I am constantly on edge. I hate myself. I'm always looking at ways to reduce stress but I'm kidding myself trying to work on myself because I'm lucky of I get 10 minutes to myself all week let alone every day to to meditation or something to try and chill me out a bit.

I work so fucking hard. I'm up at 6am cleaning, prepping, four school runs all different places, work three 9-5s a week, house is massive, kids so messy. Not one of them has any bedtime routine. They just take the piss at nighttime. Run around laughing at me while the rage slowly rises up in my throat till I explode with complete rage and shout (not proud) at them to do as they're told and they cry, I cry. I sob. Happens quite alot this nower days. I'm snappy and irritable all the time. My eldest is playing up at school nearly been expelled and he's been moved to a new school. Now he's being bullied so I'm worried sick. He wants to move again so that's stressing me. He's vile generally. Shouting and teenage anger so even when I'm super calm and trying my absolute hardest to be calm he just comes in and thinks it hillarious to wind the kids up until they're screaming and crying. Running in and out of the bedroom while I'm trying to settle the baby to sleep so he wakes up and we go round like this for at least an hour. Then they won't brush teeth, get dressed for bed. My 7 year old is good as gold but he is quiet and just goes along with it. My 5 year old DD is a total terror. Little madam. Tantrums galore. I try to stay calm. After hours and hours of it I just can't stay calm anymore! She's basically unable to handle her emotions. That's my fault. She just doesn't give me any personal space. She won't sleep in her own bed she has to sleep not just in my bed while hubby is demoted to the sofa, but ON me. She has to physically touch me all night or she wakes up. Baby sleeps in with me too because it's the only way anyone gets any sleep at all around here. He wakes up about four times a night. Then I'm up at 6 and I start all over again.

I cry, I rage and I seriously contemplate just ending my life but I know that would just be the most selfish thing to do ever because I'm the only mother they'll get and I love them all with every inch of me. I'm just so fucking tired. After I shout I feel guilt that is just so immense I cry for hours. I search ways of improving my behaviour because I'm failing them constantly. I am an awful mother.

You are not an awful mother by ANY stretch of the imagination. I don't know what to say but I can hand hold and tell you that you are not an awful mother.

Oh OP I feel your pain. I feel the same a lot of the time and I only have 2 kids!!

Do you really need to work? I am one of 4 kids, there was only 6 years between us all and I know my own mum found it hard. She always said it just wasn't logistically possible to work as well. Could you consider working at the weekend or when DH is home so at least you are home and can get some kind of downtime without the kids? Although just seen your youngest isn't school age yet!! But at least 1 child is easier than 4.

You sound like you are at breaking point OP.

A lot of us have been there. I had ds coming in with me every single night, until the first year of high school, not what you want to hear, but just to let you know you aren’t the only one to experience it.

Is your dh around for bedtime? If so, when you put little one one down, he should be sorting the others. Eldest can go to bed with a book (yeah I’d laugh if someone suggested that about my youngest), so he got to have the tv on low instead, many will disagree, but it got him to bed- that’s all I cared about.

Much of your eldest’s behaviour may stem from school and the problems he’s had and having. Not an excuse to treat you like shit, but many teens have difficulty managing their emotions.

What’s your 5 year olds behaviour like in school?

You are right though, they will pick up on your behaviour and mimic. So fin you are screaming and shouting a lot, they will do the same. This is the first big thing you need to change (sorry). You

I felt a little like this and I only have 3 kids and no job!

I'd go to the doctor and get some tablets. Takes the edge off and helps me feel less at boiling point.

Then you might feel able to tackle the things you can sort out. Good luck. And everyone is shouty sometimes! S

You say your husband 'chips in' then don't mention him again. So what's he doing when the kids are running amok laughing at you and you're shouting and sobbing?

You sound like you're trying to keep everything together. Where's your support?

There’s nothing wrong with you, anyone in that situation would feel broken

I have one and we had an awful day yesterday I lost my temper shouted and threw a Tupperware on the ground and it broke🙈

A crisis meeting with DH is in order as you should not suffer alone

Please don't beat yourself up, OP. You're doing your very best and you love your DC.

I second the advice a PP gave, to get some medication from your GP to help you to cope.

Once you're less stressed, as the tablets kick in, look at ways you can let the DC know who's boss. You don't have to let them run rings around you. You need some boundaries with them, but now isn't the time to try to put all this in place.

Get down to your GP for help in the first instance. You're not alone in feeling like this.

OP, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I am a mother of four dds and I found it difficult when they were small. I was lucky in that my dad offered to help when he retired from the military and I paid him as a childminder. He ruled the kids like they were little soldiers and brought order to my house as dh and I work full time.

I feel your pain.

You are NOT an awful mother. Please don’t think that.

Oh my goodness op that sounds really impossible! I have three little ones and I don't work but even so I have moments I feel like this. You need to stop working if you can possibly afford it and have a breather and get some rest when the kids are at school otherwise you are heading for a breakdown. Once you've got some normality back you can start dealing with the kids. You sound like you're doing a great job op. Being a mum is really really hard and anyone that says it isn't is lying.

Thankyou writersbeenblocked...
Fatted, I do unfortunately need to work as we have alot of outgoings that we couldn't cut back without getting into debt problems, but money is also on my mind alot as I feel like I work solidly but never have much to show for it. I really love my job too but it is quite stressful at times. Ironically I support new mums with emotional issues, yet I can't support myself and have no idea where to start with this mess! I did do weekends a few years ago but hubby said it upset him that we didn't spend any time together. Our marriage has been under alot of pressure too due to the exhaustion and money worries but we are pretty strong and have worked on everything as a team. He works late alot so often I have to do the bedtime but when he is around we share the load.

When I shout it's usually not at them as much as at myself for feeling so angry and being so crap at coping.

Snowy81 I second the TV thing. They don't have TVs but I'm tempted to just allow it so that we can get them to bed quietly and it's something they may actually look forward to rather than fighting it. My eldest and 7 year old used to get lovely bedtime stories and lots of attention at night. I used to read extra stories and give extra hugs and now I just dread bedtime because it's such a drama. My 5 year old is an angel at school. Listens, is bright and doing well. I know she's worn out after school though which is why I try to enforce betime. I also try to push teeth brushing at night but they seem to hate it with a passion!

Snackarella... I wish tablets would work for me but I've tried several medications (SSRIs) for anxiety and they made me unable to function at all. Which is obviously not a solution as I just wouldn't be able to manage anything.

I think massively I'm a perfectionist. I'm always comparing myself to these perfectly calm mothers who have spotless homes and perfectly ironed clothes. Nicely turned out kids and feed them on organic produce handpicked by local farmers but the reality is I have to just let my standards go a bit. Stop putting pressure on myself to clean constantly and I need to get them all into a proper bedtime routine and just suck it up that bedtime is shit and be done with it. I think radical acceptance is the only way forward in situations like these. My husband wanted more kids too! It was a no from me!

I don’t know if medications or you is the only answer. Is there a chance your eldest has ADHD? Two of mine are diagnosed and our house prior to diagnosis and intervention sounds like yours

.....medication for you!

I really feel for you.

Can you bribe the 14yr old with some grown up Netflix time with you and dh if he behaves or even helps at bedtime? That way he gets extra attention which he probably needs.

I’d also have to work on getting the 5yr old to sleep on her own. Though I can see that won’t be easy. Probably needs your dh.

You are not an awful mother.
You’re a tired stressed out mother.

No words of wisdom but just wanted to come on & support you

That sounds really hard, I find 1 baby hard enough I could never cope with 4! All you can do is your best. Need DH to help stop the oldest interrupting baby bedtime I think. Maybe pick 1 problem at a time and work out how to make it easier to manage?

You are not a bad mother. You have a lot on your plate.

From a fellow 4 child mum, sort the sleeping first. It’ll be hard for a few days but EVERYTHING is more manageable with more and better sleep.

I agree with a poster who suggested picking one issue at a time and working your way through it.

Anyone would be with all that going on so don't feel bad. My number one goal if I were you would be getting dh to 'chip in' with bedtime. His support will help if you work as a team.

TV is your friend tbh with bedtime. Quick tea if your working then start settling each one in turn, while rest watch tv. Take upstairs brush teeth (electric toothbrush is godsend) you can do chat about their day and 10min story. Move onto next child. Perhaps find boxset you and teen like and watch an episode together when everyone else is in bed.

Also get the kids to lay out their uniforms, make pack lunches etc on an evening so everything's ready in the morning. Star charts could work well with 5 and 7 yr old

Also we do 10 minute tidy. 10 minutes of music and each child and adult gets a room to tidy as much as they can in 10 mins

Fatandsassy yes! The bedtime routine is so essential isn't it? I think my problem is I'm totally shattered come bedtime and I've lost my ability to rationalise. Bit like the kids really! Hense the cosleeping mess. We've just done whatever we can to cope and get some sleep. I am definitely going to start implementing a bedtime routine.

Six kids and a single mum! How on earth did you manage I'm not surprised you were feeling like that. Its so awful isn't it? I wonder if anyone would feel like this under pressure. I'm always comparing myself to other mums that seem to have their shit together.