AIBU four kids & super stressy and horrible hate myself

[Tg3LAS]

Kids are 14,7,5 and 19 months. I am married and he's helpful and does his bit. I still probably do more tbh but he is chipping in.

I'm just not coping. I've always been really highly strung and can get really irritable but these days I am constantly on edge. I hate myself. I'm always looking at ways to reduce stress but I'm kidding myself trying to work on myself because I'm lucky of I get 10 minutes to myself all week let alone every day to to meditation or something to try and chill me out a bit.

I work so fucking hard. I'm up at 6am cleaning, prepping, four school runs all different places, work three 9-5s a week, house is massive, kids so messy. Not one of them has any bedtime routine. They just take the piss at nighttime. Run around laughing at me while the rage slowly rises up in my throat till I explode with complete rage and shout (not proud) at them to do as they're told and they cry, I cry. I sob. Happens quite alot this nower days. I'm snappy and irritable all the time. My eldest is playing up at school nearly been expelled and he's been moved to a new school. Now he's being bullied so I'm worried sick. He wants to move again so that's stressing me. He's vile generally. Shouting and teenage anger so even when I'm super calm and trying my absolute hardest to be calm he just comes in and thinks it hillarious to wind the kids up until they're screaming and crying. Running in and out of the bedroom while I'm trying to settle the baby to sleep so he wakes up and we go round like this for at least an hour. Then they won't brush teeth, get dressed for bed. My 7 year old is good as gold but he is quiet and just goes along with it. My 5 year old DD is a total terror. Little madam. Tantrums galore. I try to stay calm. After hours and hours of it I just can't stay calm anymore! She's basically unable to handle her emotions. That's my fault. She just doesn't give me any personal space. She won't sleep in her own bed she has to sleep not just in my bed while hubby is demoted to the sofa, but ON me. She has to physically touch me all night or she wakes up. Baby sleeps in with me too because it's the only way anyone gets any sleep at all around here. He wakes up about four times a night. Then I'm up at 6 and I start all over again.

I cry, I rage and I seriously contemplate just ending my life but I know that would just be the most selfish thing to do ever because I'm the only mother they'll get and I love them all with every inch of me. I'm just so fucking tired. After I shout I feel guilt that is just so immense I cry for hours. I search ways of improving my behaviour because I'm failing them constantly. I am an awful mother.

Waveys nail getting each to tidy a room is a great idea. We have star charts. They have lost their touch really with that one despite us offering big prizes at the end. I need to push that one a bit. I agree tackle one thing at a time. Sleep being a priority. I function really well in the morning but come evening I am well and truly zapped and the prospect of naughty kids at bedtime kills me.

Electric tooth brushes! Why did I never think if that! I am definitely going to invest. They'd probably enjoy that too!

ShivD do you struggle sometimes too? I mean do some people cope well with four while others don't? Do you lose it too ever? I feel like such a mean mummy sometimes.

Please don’t buy drugs to online to make your kids sleep whatever you do! I always thought that melatonin has to be prescribed by a doctor and the use monitored. Can’t believe pp is just dishing it out to her kids to make them sleep. Jeez

OP
I salute you for being so brave and honest

So you need some help . And you need it soon . Using the plane philosophy you can’t help them unless you help yourself

I would make accessing all the sure start and parenting help you can . Start with Heath visitor , or try SS . There is always some help out there you just need to acess it and maybe screaming and crying will get you it .

I say this kindly (as an also imperfect mother ) but the chaotic environment does NOONE any good . Especially you

There is help for you , and parenting resource out there . Start looking as doing something to address it will help

When you have home even a modicum calmer you can then really focus on the eldest one and getting help for him

I am involved with SS (mildly) due some issues this end . I have been very impressed with what’s out there , when you really need it

And given your job you know where to get it !!

One thing I learnt is that chaotic environment = stressed kids = even more stressed mother

It’s a horrible vicious cycle

Bloody hell. You've got it tough there.
First, your husband needs to get home and help you with the bedtime routine. He needs to help you get the kids out of your bed and into their own beds. You will so much more sane with a good night's sleep and a bit of personal space.
And you'd be a saint if you didn't shout under those circumstances!!

I don't mean to flippantly make it sound easy because we've got a 2, 3 and 4 year old so I know how hellish it can be. But what I do know is that your hubby has to step up and help. Sometimes I'd just go into a different room or pop out at bedtime (once they hit about 18 months plus) as they found him less of an attraction than me, and any crying didn't bother him as much. It's no good if it's all you!!! It won't affect your bond with them- it will improve if they learn to sleep on their own and you get to recharge your batteries. May even have energy for bedtime stories again...
Seriously, you need to step back and have with your hubby and decide between you how you can get back in the bed together, what goals to set, and what you can BOTH do to make it work. You can't carry on like this.
And please don't beat yourself up you're doing your best under difficult circumstances.

picture timetable

fatandsassy you drug your kids so they sleep! Wtaf! 😔

I'd suggest contacting the children's sleep charity to support you with bedtime routines (slightly different name for the Scottish version!) Once 5yo is sleeping independently in her own bed you can choose what else you want to prioritise. Get dad on board for either 5yold bed or 14 yr old behaviour- someone needs to spend a decent chunk of time with 14 yr old, which you don't have and won't have until 5 year old sleeps.

Thankyou all for your support. It has definitely made me feel less guilty and more proactive. I do think the situation has made me very depressed.

Aw, sending massive hugs 🤗

Oh my, what a storm.

No, I don't drug my kids every night to help them sleep. I have 4 children with ASD and other issues and melatonin helps us. We give it to them when they need it however we follow our routine every school day and it seems to work for us.
We take regular nights off from melatonin and they all have minimal dosage anyway. I have researched this myself.
One of them is prescribed from CAMHS but since it has taken so bloody long for anyone to do anything when it comes to my other children and their diagnoses, mental states etc it was make or break time.
I chose to be a better parent and help them with their routines and they are much better for sleeping properly as opposed to being up until god knows what time and then up 3/4 times in the night and then again at the crack of dawn every morning. They are happier, their behaviour is better in general, they can focus more, we are all happier. They still don't sleep when they don't have it but that's just something we deal with.

Sleep is the most important thing in the world.

OP you sound a lot more chilled now you've shared on here, are you feeling a bit brighter with some new ideas to tackle your household?

@Tg3LAS sorry, just read your reply to me too - I literally had 4 kids in my bed every night. I had my double bed and two singles in my room and there was no room for anything else! My youngest co-slept and didn't sleep through the night until he was about 2 and a half so I had to deal with that on top of everything else. Sometimes it just seems an impossible cycle of no sleep and chaos everywhere you look. It will get better though

One thing at a time OP. If you sort bedtime, other things will improve from it. Take some time to make some rules and stick to them. You must have a suitable punishment for misbehaving that they care about and stick to it. If you can crack that nut I guarantee your overall quality of life would massively improve.

Oh gosh, just read your most recent post. I don’t know anything about ASD, melatonin etc so can’t advise there. Sorry.

On the thing you said about SSRIs - they wipe you out. I had the exact thing on a full dose of Seroxat, but found out whilst weaning myself off them that I was golden on half a tablet. I stayed on that for a year and it totally sorted me out. Never had depression since (had it over 10 years up tp that point).

It really sounds like you could do with help to cope , so even if its not worked in past it could be worth trying a lower dose.

Op do not go buying drugs to make your kids sleep no matter how desperate you are, I can't believe anyone would do that, and give to ALL the kids, just crazy!

I loose my shit, yes. And my house is generally a mess but there are times when it’s happy and manageable and I do get joy out of having 4 of them albeit not every day.

It’s the extra activities that I hate 🤯 and just the amount of people and STUFF everywhere.

Shouting and teenage anger so even when I'm super calm and trying my absolute hardest to be calm he just comes in and thinks it hillarious to wind the kids up until they're screaming and crying. Running in and out of the bedroom while I'm trying to settle the baby to sleep so he wakes up and we go round like this for at least an hour.

If you could sort this out evenings would be better. Presumably there are wider issues as to why he’s behaving like this but it’s not conducive to the younger kids feeling settled at the end of the day. I’d focus on this first.

I have 4 DC too and the oldest can be hormonal and shouty and moody so I get but this seems unusually vindictive.

I shouldn’t laugh at the effective story , milk and sleeping pill routine
But I am evil 👿

Ok your first point of call get a sleep trainer! Honestly if you can start with getting everyone in a routine and sleeping, you will get some sleep and some space at night. This will be a good start.

OP you sound an awful lot like me, except I only have 2. I always compare myself to other mums who seem to have it all together and only have to say come on sweetie and the kids follow. My youngest is a delight but my older one is generally a nightmare. My youngest isn't 2 yet, so there is still time for him to be the same. I do think my DD is struggling at school though and may have something as yet undiagnosed, as school won't yet because she is "too young"
We are working on it and things are starting to improve but slowly.
I agree with you and PP that bedtime is the first thing to sort out, everything else will work easier of you can get sleep. Good luck OP, you aren't a terrible mum and you arent alone.