To ask how you... (toddler related)

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How do you deal with tantrums? Just that really.

I'm a first time mum to an almost two year old and we've had an ALMIGHTY meltdown this evening.

Over the last month or so, his temperament has changed. He's huffy, whiny, hates being told "no", does the opposite to what's asked.

But tonight was a record tantrum! We finished dinner where he was beautifully behaved. He then wanted paw patrol on and as we said no, he started screaming and kicking. I tried to divert his attention with books, calming voice, then stern voice etc. He wouldn't calm down.

Then when we got him upstairs he went HYSTERICAL as we tried to brush his teeth and get him ready for bed. I was starting to think something was wrong with him!

How do you handle this?

Can you put him somewhere safe and walk away for a bit? Starving the tantrum of attention? I have no idea if this is the right answer.. I only have one baby and he's 16 months so watching with interest!

I put them somewhere safe and ignore it until they stop then I go for a cuddle and to try and work out what the problem was.

Completely Ignore! 17mo loves a tantrum, I let him just sit on the floor and get on with it.
With the bedtime thing i would just carry on with bedtime whilst he’s screaming then put him to bed, say goodnight and leave the room.
He will peak then tire eventually. I find distraction just feeds it because they are getting attention still.

That's the tactic I used when he was younger (maybe about 18 months?). I used to lay him on the floor away from any objects and let him scream it out until he calmed down.

Now he's more steady on his feet etc I'm scared to leave him. Example, tonight I sat on the chair in his bedroom and closed the door and he was reaching up the handle so much he looked like he was going to tip back (he would hit the radiator).

I've NEVER seen a meltdown like what he's just had!

My top tip: Pick your battles.

Only take on a toddler if you need to. They are not reasonable creatures so only say no if it matters.

(I would have suggested favourite TV to calm down for a tantrum but that clearly won’t help here)

I'm a beginner at this - 19 month old has only had three so far. At the moment, it's make sure he's safe and then ignore ignore ignore. Tell him when he's ready, he can have a cuddle. It's worked so far...

I think he must've been tired as I continued changing him into pjs as normal etc and as soon as he went into the cotbed he was quiet and went to sleep.

Earlier when he seemed to have calmed, I reached out and asked if he wanted a hug but it started the whole meltdown again 🙈.

I know how pathetic this sounds but I was really worried/scared/upset as I couldn't calm him

Distraction, distraction and distraction. Ds is just 2 and hasn't got the comprehension skills for reasoning. We try to divert, distract and ignore if needed until calm enough for distraction.

A few things that have worked for me with DS

Blowing gently in his face when he’s screaming. Distracts him enough that he’ll stop.

Either stepping away and leaving him to calm for a few minutes, provided he’s somewhere safe, I’d stay nearby though but physically step back a few feet.

Or the complete opposite picking him up and holding him close until he calms.

I’m not really sure what would make me choose one over the other, just sometimes one feels right and sometimes not.

Yeah, I mean he's got into a habit of asking for paw patrol so we are trying to not "give in" and allow him to just think he can have his own way BUT i understand the "pick your battles" thing. It's just hard to find the line!

DD1 used to have the most almighty tantrums. Shes now 5 and they've reduced. I mostly went for the ignoring her strategy as nothing would get through to her till she calmed down. She was not one to be distracted. Once she'd calmed down we could talk about why she had the tantrum and why the tantrum was unacceptable.
DD2 is now 2 and just started with the tantrums. They aren't as intense as DD2 so she can more easily be distracted out of it.
There is no right or wrong way to heal with it, you'll find what works best for your DS. Tantrums are not a reflection of your parenting though, just a rite of passage!

He’s totally normal and it sounds like he was tired. My dd (4) gets like this if tired. Keep your expectations extremely low and pick your battles but at the same time you are absolutely right to stand your ground.
They’re an absolute shambolic mess at that age and it’s like a drunk person.
I often will just comfort my daughter when she gets to the what I call the “broken” stage. Cuddle her, play some soft music or distract with the cat.
Obv there are times when they have to be wrestled or they are kicking out in which case I would let them get it out of their system in a safe environment

They so are like drunk and belligerent people! Haha

Either ignoring or holding in a very firm cuddle depending on location and what's started it. Tantrumming for TV is bad behaviour so I'd have shut the bedroom door and left dd2 alone for that. If I've said we can do something and then it's not possible so there's disappointment I'm a lot more patient!

Ignore them. If you make it very clear that a tantrum gains no attention and won't get them the result they want they do (eventually) get less frequent. My 2yo hardly tantrums and when he does it's for literally a few seconds before he realises it isn't going to work. He will just sigh, throw himself to the floor, have one or two whinges and then get up and carry on as normal.

Toddler tantrums are epic aren't they?!! I tried everything with DD but in the end I found sitting on the floor near her but not looking at her worked. She'd eventually calm down and then come over for a cuddle. That's fine at home but she once had a tantrum in the supermarket. I picked her up under one arm (kicking and screaming) and just carried on my last bits of shopping. In those situations hold your head high and calmly continue (if you can). It'll all pass and although DD still has tantrums (almost 4yrs old) they are easier to deal with as she can use words. Good luck-you got this mama!

Hahaha, I love the drunk person comparison!

Thank you everyone - hopefully Satan won't return for a while

Although I fear I'm being very optimistic

A very firm cuddle is good. I’m considering a weighted blanket as both of these things help with anxiety

But it's not anxiety. It's a tantrum.
Let's not start diagnosing toddlers with anxiety

I’ve learned that I cannot go to the supermarket after about 2pm as DD is a spaghetti style mess and plays up and we have had to do time out with people staring

No I’m not saying they have anxiety - poor choice of words maybe..I should’ve said when they get themselves into a frenzy and emotionally overwhelmed the physical pressure can help.

I have a three year old, I find a few things helpful:

• try to anticipate tantrums and avoid where possible. For examples if he’s watching paw patrol and you want him to stop before bed then make sure you give him a warning or two so it doesn’t just come out of the blue. Similarly if you’ve always let him watch it and suddenly you’re saying no it’s kind of understandable that he’s having a tantrum about it. I wouldn’t just say no to assert your authority, decide what your rules are and then stick to them consistently. For example he’s allowed one episode before bed. Also often with tantrums there are other causes (usually tiredness or hunger I find)

• when my son has a tantrum I usually just try to stay calm ( easier said than done), offer to give him a cuddle (he usually says no) and just make sure he’s safe and you’re nearby. Sometimes a distraction will work at the right moment but that’s more something that depends on the length and state he’s in.

And remember he’s not giving you a hard time he’s having a hard time, so try to empathise where possible even if it seems ridiculous. Obviously there are different schools of thought but I’ve found this the approach that works best for us

Keep them safe, try not to lose your rag and wait it out. Most stuff you can safely ignore. Save your energy for the non-negotiable times like trying to strap them in a car seat.

Sounds very normal, tiredness is a big factor.

My DS is 2.5 and I would never walk away from him or lock him in a room during a tantrum unless I felt I was about to lose MY rag. To me that is barbaric. I wait patiently for him to let out the frustration and speak to him describing how he might be feeling, calmly. I think it's important for children to be validated and feel heard. That isn't just wank by the way, it sounds wanky but it works very well with DS.

He has improved as his language has improved, I think a lot of the frustration at this age is to do with not being able to express themselves, not being heard or listened to.