To ask how you... (toddler related)

[usernameunavail]

How do you deal with tantrums? Just that really.

I'm a first time mum to an almost two year old and we've had an ALMIGHTY meltdown this evening.

Over the last month or so, his temperament has changed. He's huffy, whiny, hates being told "no", does the opposite to what's asked.

But tonight was a record tantrum! We finished dinner where he was beautifully behaved. He then wanted paw patrol on and as we said no, he started screaming and kicking. I tried to divert his attention with books, calming voice, then stern voice etc. He wouldn't calm down.

Then when we got him upstairs he went HYSTERICAL as we tried to brush his teeth and get him ready for bed. I was starting to think something was wrong with him!

How do you handle this?

I think people have said move away and ignore, not lock them in a room by themselves.

I've found ignoring works best. Don't walk away so you can make sure LO is safe, but just carry on about your business and ignore them.

Works a treat on my 2 year old

Agree with PP, stick to a routine as much as possible and pre-warn him when you're about to do anything he won't like (eg go upstairs to bed). Toddlers are very rigid. My 2.2 DS knows he has 3 stories before bed and woe betide you if you try to dodge one! Maybe no Paw Patrol upset his sense of what's normal.

If he does whine about something eg teeth-brushing, I try immediate distraction, positive tone, 'come on, let's do teeth now then it's stories! Which one shall we read tonight?' And off to the bathroom expecting him to follow. He usually does. If he descends into a tantrum, I hover nearby but ignore. Don't cajole or try to reason with him. He'll get over it and then you can cuddle him and get straight on with whatever it was he didn't want to do. Once you've got your red lines (eg you will brush your teeth every night before bed) stick to them 100%. I find after he's tantrummed over the same thing a couple of times with no result, he'll give up. (Then it'll be something else but that's toddlers!)

Tantrums seem to be reducing now he's past 2. Fingers crossed.

I'll walk away from my son and then we have 'big cuddle' when he's done. Seems to work. Bless they're tiny brains

I’ve been known to put myself in time out but that’s more for the frenzied mummmmmmyyyyyyee pulling at clothing and climbing on me. She hates it🙈😂

I’d probably have put Paw Patrol on, if I’m honest.

Instead of saying no paw patrol I would have said "you can have paw patrol tomorrow, time for stories" basically try and avoid saying no......sometimes works.

I don't leave her there for hours like Harry Potter under the stairs! Just a minute or so because I'm not prepared to engage with someone who tries a tantrum to get their own way. Like I said, only if it's a naughty tantrum where she's trying to get something I've said no to. If it's reasonable disappointment then I'm patience personified. DD2 is 4yo now too so it's a bit easier to distinguish between her trying it on and à genuine inability to handle emotion.

Sounds like your DS is going through a testing boundaries stage! Mostly I'm a fan of giving kindness where appropriate and ignoring or distracting if not.

I've found there are different types of tantrum, a bit like you learnt the different cries your DC make as a baby, different tantrums benefit from differing approaches. Broadly for my DC they tend to be caused by one of the following:

Being overwhelmed by an emotion / situation they can't fathom or don't have the emotional or vocal ability to deal with: I always try to respond with kindness and cuddles and helping them understand why they are feeling that way. Sometimes oldest DC responds well to being left to have some space followed by cuddle.

Being tired or hungry: I feel I play a part in causing these sometimes because we've done too much or run behind on dinner on something. Just stay calm, ignore the fuss and try and get on with whatever needs doing. Distraction is good.

Plain old temper tantrum and not getting what they want: this is the only time they don't get my sympathy generally. Never give in, be firm but calm. Maybe give them space again to calm down then cuddle and make up. I've found when eldest DC got seriously worked up (older, maybe 3 and now 4) that sometimes he got so worked up he was desperate to calm down but didn't know how. He needs a helping gesture to get past the worst.

Just a few times, when the tantrum has been utterly ridiculous I've laughed, which has ended up in DC laughing too, and the tension is diffused. Doesn't always go that way though

Recognise that sometimes it's just best to leave them flailing all over the floor, leave them to get on with it and calm down of their own accord. If you're out and about have a buggy or something similar to strap them into and just let them get on with it (while internally seething).

You can't talk them around or out of every tantrum and sometimes you just have to let them get on with it.

I remember seeing something about naming their emotions at this age. So saying something like 'I know you're upset/angry/frustrated mummy won't let you watch paw patrol, but it's bed time now'.

At this age also try to avoid things like tiredness and hunger that make a tantrum a million times worse. Like other PP said, my DS2 always turned into the devil child at the same time every day so I avoided having to do anything not essential around that time (although usually it was 3pm when I had to pick his brother up!)

And be consistent as much as possible.

Depend on the tantrum here.
If just wanting his own way, ignore.
If overtired and not thinking straight, scoop up and big cuddles until he calms down.
It gets easier as they get older. DS is 3 now and at least when he has a tantrum he can tell you why he's having it!

Put him in the cotbed and walk away and leave him to calm down.
Also, pick your battles eg, paw patrol after teeth etc.

From memory, it steps up a gear at a few months after turning 2!

They're horrible at the time but looking back my son was pretty funny when he was having a tantrum. He'd stand on tiptoes and go bright red and his hair would sort of expand somehow. He looked like a cross, sunburnt Ken Dodd.

Urgh tell me about it. My beautiful, kind and thoughtful toddler went to bed just after her second birthday and came back as an irritable, stroppy 2 going on 13(still a beaut tho). I don’t not have the answers. However, I have learnt if we explain carefully what’s happening we seem to be able to reduce the frequency e.g don’t just put a plate of sweetcorn on the high chair without explained to toddler that the mac and cheese is too hot it’ll be ready soon, but toddler thinks all she’s getting is yellow veg and lobs the plate across the room before screaming. And rather than saying ‘in a minute’ or ‘in a bit’ saying ‘after breakfast we will go to the park’ ‘after your nap you can watch Peopa’ We still get them but I think you have to sort of support them through and try to be as compassionate as you can whilst they navigate free will and decision making. It’s hard for you both!

Tiredness is a big factor in DD’s tantrums. I will drive around for ages just to get her to sleep at the weekend so we don’t have to deal with the 6pm meltdown she gets when she hasn’t had a nap

Sorry for terrible spelling and grammar brain has packed in

You're going to hate me for saying this, but I think you sort of work out what works best for your DC as you go along. What worked with my pfb did not work at all with my very tantrummy ds2.

Some things that worked with 1 or both of my dc:

Reading books about feelings, describing feelings and practicing what he could do if he felt very cross or very sad. Then when he was getting tantrummy I suggested some of the things we'd talked about and after a while he would start doing them by himself (finding his special comfort toy/asking me for a hug/finding somewhere quiet in the house to go while he calmed down/etc).

If he was safe I'd sit nearby him and pretend to be busy doing something else. Then leave him to come to me when he was ready.

If he was going mental and trashing the house or at risk of harming himself or others then I would hold him tight in a bear hug and slowly rock him whilst singing very quietly and sshing.

The above is all for tiredness/overwhelmed tantrums. Tantrums because they don't get what they wanted I would always ignore and stay firm.

Whilst I'm not happy everyone is has gone through/is going through a shit time, it's also nice to hear I'm not the only person on the planet who has a toddler kicking off!

It's so frustrating because I think he reached a point where he was worked up, because he was worked up and forgot why he was actually in a huff in the first place if that makes sense.

I really appreciate all your tips. Thanks everyone for keeping me sane!

Fucking Paw Patrol is toddler crack! Cold turkey or just let them have their fix... only solution! 😢 (LEARNT the hard way!)

Acknowledging emotions can also work. Ie “littleusername wants to watch paw patrol, little username is sad/cross etc because now it’s time to read stories and go to bed.”

I would avoid saying no wherever possible. That doesn’t mean always say yes but skirt round it by saying something else like not now or let’s do this etc.

I also totally disagree with shutting a child in a room alone for tantruming. My dd would have absolutely freaked with fear at that age. I still do not send her to her room and she’s nearly 11. Besides a bedroom should be a good place, not one, where you feel imprisoned.

Today's tantrum here was because I hadn't let 18mo say goodbye to the trolley in the supermarket.

For things with no obvious solution I boringly say "I know you're having some big feelings about this" and carry on. Maybe not ideal but I got no other ideas...

DD went through this too. Really horrid to deal with but it is a phase that passes (keep telling yourself that it might help!) I found that distraction and ignoring worked when she was in the ‘Amber zone’ but sometimes she’d totally loose it (regularly wet herself and bit her tongue on a few occasions) and at that point I couldn’t do anything but sit with her and keep her safe until she tired herself out. She generally needed lots of cuddles and reassurance as she came out of it which at first I thought might be ‘pandering’ to her behaviour but with hindsight I realise was the right thing to do: she was just a little bundle of anger and had no idea what to do with it which was scary for her. Happily the mega tantrum phase only lasted a few months for us so whilst it was extreme it was short lived - hope it’s the same for you OP!

When mine was a toddler, had the HV visiting when she had (toddler not HV!) a massive meltdown, I picked her up after trying the usual techniques and put her in the hallway and shut the door. Came back and say down and HV said good for you!

It may be due to the humidity levels you know. Past week has been very muggy here and I’ve been at my wits’ end with DD. She seems very tired and loses it. Kids go frenzied when tired don’t they! Whereas adults kind of flop!

I have been known to go completely silent. Stand and wait or hold them and wait.
Does anyone else find that talking seems to feed the tantrum and prolong it. They're not in any state to listen during a tantrum.