Baby and visitors

[Scaredycatsonetwoandthree]

Hi all! I'm having an induction tomorrow as I'm a few days overdue and baby isn't doing the most movement. I am quite scared to say the least!

Anyway my mum is coming to be my birthing partner but she doesn't drive so my dad will drop her at the hospital and pick her up after. The plan is as soon as baby is out she will go so that dh and I have some time just the three of us. I mention this because I've been told it's unfair on here in the past that my mum will see baby before mil but she is genuinely coming to support me through this as I'm terrified and she is a midwife herself.

Originally we said we wouldn't have visitors for a few days after the birth to allow us to get our daughter home and have some down time. We did say this would be very much play it by ear as I know I might be desperate for everyone to come round although I do think that's unlikely as I'm a very private person.

So here is my Aibu! ILs live about 4 hours away, we see them about once every three months and I have very little contact as there is a huge backstory! Dh speaks to his dad via email about once a fortnight. Although as my due date approached we have both had messages daily asking for signs of their grandchild 🤦🏻‍♀️. Anyway! Here is the issue! Fil has a business trip he leaves for on Sunday for a week and mil always travels with him (think of it like an unpaid assistant, she deals with his appts etc). Now I am being induced tomorrow they keep saying how if they don't come Saturday they won't get to see the baby for a week.

Aibu to think it doesn't matter if baby is a week old? Also god forbid my induction is not quick and I haven't even had her by Saturday? Or I might end up stuck in hospital over the weekend anyway as I have a health issue that means we will have to have extra checks after the birth. ILs have already caused issues asking if sils new bf can come immediately to see the baby (I have posted under another username so please don't out me if you recognise this!)

I wouldn't mind so much if they could just pop in but because of distance that is not possible. And I am trying to relax today and not stress about tomorrow without all this :-(

As you say, baby might not even be here by Saturday, or you could be birthing or have just given birth when they arrive. They shouldn't plan to visit Saturday as there's no guarantee baby will have arrived and you don't want them there for hours if your DD has just put in an appearance. They'll just have to wait until they're back from the trip. SILs new bf should definitely not be one of your first visitors. Can she not come on her own (and not in the first few days)?

When I had DS I was induce on Friday morning and he arrived via forceps, a 4cm cut (can't think of name!) & I had to have a blood transfusion. The LAST thing I was thinking was squeezing in my in laws - my mil was demanding a visit at 1pm as she was out in evening & couldn't possibly wait till Monday or Tuesday so please just see how you feel and do not feel pressured to face any visitors - I felt like utter shite all day and still did 10 days later.

Good luck

Sorry missed out that induced Friday and he arrived Sunday morning! Do you may have only just had her!

@TixieLix thank you for replying. Yes this is my worry that I'll be just getting sorted or cleaned up or just home and then I have visitors for hours on end. Or worse I'm still in hospital and have a catheter or something (mil always makes jibes about my weight etc and I feel very insecure around her so I think I'd feel even more so with a catheter in and having just had baby!)

I wanted to check I wasn't being UR because I have a lot of anxiety in regards to mil and fil due to their behaviour in the past and I'm really trying to be fair with all of this. I'm struggling that they don't like me (have told me and dh this) and now suddenly are wanting so much involvement.

Sil is only 16 so can't visit alone, the bf thing was just ridiculous as mil was crying saying how he was 'family'. They have been dating three months.

@GuernseyDonkey1 blimey that sounds hard :-( I hope mine goes easy I am so scared! I'm already a few cm dilated and everything looks favourable but I'm absolutely terrified tbh...all this has hasn't helped at all 🙈

Dh is trying to be supportive but I know it's hard for him too as it always seems like it's his mum and dad that cause issues (our wedding etc). I feel so terrible for him as I know he obviously loves them but also must feel so let down by them sometimes. He often says how different they are to my family who are the most chilled out but supportive people you could meet (well mostly they bring their own drama too😂)

They are being unreasonable. I can understand why they are disappointed but it's unfortunate. They planned the trip knowing your due date so they knew this was a risk. You will be quite likely to still be in labour or literally just have given birth on Saturday.

As a compromise you could say they can come for an hour on Saturday but stay in hotel but you shouldnt feel.obliged to.

It's mumsnet. If your inlaws even suggest visiting your baby before it's started school, they are rude and disrespectful and you must enforce better boundaries immediately and even consider leaving your husband.

They sound bonkers. Truly can't imagine a 16 yo lad giving a fig about a new baby!
Block them for now and let dh deal with them. You absolutely don't need them contacting you direct.
Placing your boundaries now will pay off op!!

@Sunshine93 I thought maybe saying they could do that at first but then I thought what if she isn't here? Or I'm still in hospital (I have slightly dodgy kidneys so both baby and I have to have a full check before leaving...I'm aware that on a Friday / weekend there may be a shortage of doctors to discharge as they will have more important things to do!)

This is awful as well to admit but I just don't want to put myself out for them when they've treated me like shit over the last decade. I'm trying to allow myself to be more open to them being involved (have kept them up to date with scans etc and told them about induction although not my medical bits). They just cross every boundary we have. I know this is drip feeding majorly so apologies but when I was about 24 weeks we had been to hospital to have an appt with the consultant and I had my notes sticking out my handbag in the hallway when ILs came for a visit. Fil went to the loo and dh caught him with my notes in his hand...he said they'd fallen out my bag but it had been hanging on the coat hook for a few days without that happening. I just feel like if we give an inch they take a mile.

Sorry I'm babbling on now.

My biggest regret was allowing visitors the day we got home from hospital , all I wanted to do was sleep and sit with my boobs out to try and learn to breastfeed !
Don't feel rushed with visitors - if they get grumpy about it then it's their problem

Good luck with it all. Induction is unpredictable so don’t be forced into making plans.
Your relatives are the ones who have booked to go away. You not falling into their plans does not make you awkward. If they have to wait a week and stay in a b&b then so be it. The distance they travel doesn’t mean you should have to have people stay post birth, unless you want it either.
As for the boyfriend, that’s entirely ridiculous and not up for negotiation. He cannot come at this point. You may be feeding, napping etc etc, you don’t want an unknown young lad there and to be fair, he probably wouldn’t be all that comfortable there either!

@Scaredycatsonetwoandthree

Please try not to worry about the whole induction thing. Just try and relax and let it happen and go with the flow. We didn't call anyone till we were ready after DS was born - about 3hrs - as I was too poorly. I think I was extreme case lol.

Late DD - I was induced twice and it was still over 50 hours before she showed herself and that was after an ECS.
I had a catheter as well.
Just tell them no.
You will not be ready then.
You will let them know when you are settled at home and they can visit then.
Make sure you and your DH are both sending out the same message.
You have to have each others backs right now.

@codemonkey that's a bit unfair I think. I am really trying to keep them involved even after some horrific behaviour on their behalf. I did say to dh if they can't come for a week we wouldn't have any of my other family down either so it's not like everyone would meet baby before them it just means we will have an extra week to ourselves :-)

I think people forget that inductions can take days. I was sat twiddling my thumbs on the ward for 2 1/2 days after induction started before I even had so much as a twinge.

if they don't come Saturday they won't get to see the baby for a week

"That's a shame. We have no idea how long the induction will take, so we'll be sure to let you know when baby is here, and of course send photos! Let us know when you're back and we can arrange for you to come and visit"

@Whathappenedtooursummer yes I thought the same but sil is quite the baby of the family so often gets her own way. They even got her a BM dress for my bils wedding (she was not a BM but wanted to be). I probably should have ran then.

@coffeeaddiction yes I've told dh my boobs will be out for the next tso months while I'm learning 😂 he thinks I'm joking but I'm not 😂 I've made myself a little snack table with phone charger etc and some good tv to watch!

@Gustavo1 yes the staying will be another issue I'm sure but I've put my foot down about that. They have never stayed here before (I've invited them and they have said yes then cancelled on the day) so I have said no one can stay until we are more settled to make it fair. Bit unfair actually on my family who stay regularly but I am trying! :-)

@GuernseyDonkey1 I'm trying to relax but it's just so unknown isn't it 🤦🏻‍♀️ I've obviously been aware birth was coming but I've kind of ignored it until now and been a bit in denial. Also I feel like I'm making the conscious decision to give birth now rather than just my waters breaking etc (I know that's ridiculous 😂)

@hellsbellsmelons 50 hours 😱😱😱😱😱 yes dh is very much looking after me and dealing with all relatives from both sides :-)

YANBU, not your fault they have chosen to go away when their Grandchild is due to be born. It won’t kill them to wait a week. Good luck with the induction!

@SkydivingKittyCat I'm hoping that won't be the case but yes a real possibility! I haven't replied to the message from mil (group email thing) but dh has said to her that we can't guarantee when baby will come (he's put it as babies come when they are ready) and that we will keep them up to date but he has to concentrate on us now and left it at that.

@Pinkmouse6 thank you! :-)

I don't think it's unreasonable but had the same issue with my own parents. Tense! Good luck with all of it xx

Given your update I would just reply "No sorry it's not going to work for you to come on Saturday, please arrange to come in a week. It's quite likely I will still be in hospital on Saturday and I have no way of even guaranteeing there will be a baby to meet."

I would be inclined to agree they can visit and just see how it goes. If you have a quick simple labour then 1 hour is fine and if you haven't delivered yet/don't feel up to it then no they can't come. Play it by ear and put your phones off. Hospital visitors can be better as they can't just stay all day which they might be inclined to do at your house..

I get along great with my in-laws, but both me and DS really regret having visitors in the first few days. When you're sleep deprived, exhausted and you are trying to get the hang of things, it's totally fine to want some space. A baby that's a day old is not any different from a baby that's a week old anyway, they don't grow massively or learn new tricks your ILs will miss out on.

My induction failed, emcs, and I was in the hospital start to finish almost a week, but it was with my first and I had been induced unnecessarily at 39 wks. Would have been longer if they had a say, but I wanted to get away from them ASAP.

I’m a private person too and my in-laws live 400 miles away. They came down a week later and stayed and tbh, I wished they hadn’t or had stayed in a hotel. I didn’t feel comfortable in my own home (was nursing) and husband admitted he hadn’t felt great about it either. My parents live overseas so my mum didn’t come over until baby was 5/6 weeks old. When we had our second, we agreed to no visitors for the first two weeks/ hub’s paternity leave and it was a great thing we did. I had a lovely forceps birth, but seemingly had lost a lot of blood so needed 5/6 iron transfusions at the hospital. We spent most of that time going to the regular check-ups, plus two extra for baby and my stitches, and the iron transfusions. We were barely home really so it would have been pointless to have guests or visitors. My mum arrived right after the two weeks and stayed with us for ten days and then we went up North to the in-laws so everyone could meet him. It worked out a lot better for us that way.

With DD1 we started seeing people when we got home.

With DD2 I was induced at term and ended up with an emergency section. I was scared and got them to call my mum while DH and I were in theatre so she saw DD2 at a couple of hours old.

I was stuck in hospital for two days and my parents and sisters visited to help me out while DH went home to do the school run.

In laws on the other hand were invited after being at home a week. I know it's their grandchild to, but after being sliced open, having to inject myself with clotting stuff, learning to balance two children I just didn't want them in the way.