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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Visitors wanting to stay too long

29 replies

Onemorecrisp · 26/06/2019 11:27

Those with young children what time do you ask visitors to come to see you? Is it rude to say please leave by 6.30 due to toddlers starting to wind down etc. This is not for a social drink invite etc but to visit a newborn or toddler / young child for example.

OP posts:

BernardsarenotalwaysSaints · 26/06/2019 11:31

I just put the dc to bed at the normal time & hope they get the hint

Pinkmouse6 · 26/06/2019 11:34

My FIL has asked to actually visit at that time before and I’ve had to say no. It’s just not an appropriate time with young children in the house, especially on a school night.

transformandriseup · 26/06/2019 11:38

I’ve no time for a long comment but YANBU.

azulmariposa · 26/06/2019 11:39

Just put the children to bed at the normal time.
But if it's the only time they can visit, then give a little bit of allowance!
Of course the easiest thing is to go to them, then you can leave when you want.

Pretenditsaplan · 26/06/2019 11:41

I'm pretty blunt when I want to get rid of people. I say "right I'm going to kick you now so that xxxx can happen or I need to do xxxx" if I want to warn them they can't stay past a certain time when I'm arranging them coming I'll say something like "why don't you come at xxxx time because I'll need to kick you out about xxxx time because xxxx reasons ok?" If they don't agree then I suggest a different day or time so in the morning instead or meeting in town so I can leave when I need to. I'm pretty up front about what time slots i have available so people don't come over and expect to stay longer then I'm comfortable with. I can get overwhelmed or easily tired from company so i find managing expectations works well.

MyOpinionIsValid · 26/06/2019 11:44

Depends on the visitor surely? And your relationship with them.

Original poster

Onemorecrisp · 26/06/2019 11:44

I agree with you @Pretenditsaplan and I would prefer to be upfront and honest so they know what to expect. I find it is a problem with those without young children and feel like I am being made to feel unreasonable about it.

OP posts:

NoSauce · 26/06/2019 11:45

6.30?? I thought you were going to say midnight or something!

I’d just put them to bed and enjoy the company. No need to be so restrictive. Unless you don’t want them there in the first place. Who is it? PILs?!

Original poster

Onemorecrisp · 26/06/2019 11:45

Thought it was someone close but not really because they want to stay for hours and hours and now have gotten offended ! I usually kick people out and they totally understand or if they have kids themselves don’t stay for long anyway.

OP posts:

Whathappenedtooursummer · 26/06/2019 11:46

Offer them the chance to read stories /do pj's. May find them needing to leave...

joystir59 · 26/06/2019 11:47

I kick people out who don't get subtle hints that they are outstaying their welcome. I've one friend who will think nothing of turning up later than arranged, with drink and intending to crash in our spare room. Sometimes we are up for a long chinwag and a few drinks but if we are not up for it I'm very clear and direct with her in advance. I will say 'please come on time as we need to go to bed early as we've got busy days tomorrow. It's not convenient for you to stay at our's tonight.'

Alaimo · 26/06/2019 11:58

I don't have kids, so not tuned in to appropriate bed times, bed time routines, etc. I'd much rather have my host tell me 'can you come at X time because I need to put the kids to bed at Y time' or even when I'm there say 'it was great to see you, but I'm going to have to put the kids to bed now' then dropping subtle hints (which I might not pick up on)

2Rebecca · 26/06/2019 12:00

Agree re being upfront about it. Sometimes people worry a flying visit can be seen as offensive so telling people when you'd like them to leave before they come seems sensible

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 26/06/2019 12:03

Just say something like "Would be lovely to see you, we're free from e.g. 4-6:30 when we start putting the kids to bed..." if they don't start leaving at said time, just start doing what you need to do and they should get the message!

NCforthis2019 · 26/06/2019 12:06

Depends on how well you know visitor. Close friends of ours will actually help put the kids to bed and stay on. Everyone else usually leaves by 530 as they know the kids sleep early.

Original poster

Onemorecrisp · 26/06/2019 12:13

Great way to put it @Alaimo

Sometimes I think it’s best just to be an antisocial hermit

OP posts:

redcarbluecar · 26/06/2019 12:16

I think if you want people to leave by a certain time you need to say so clearly, not drop hints. ‘ Would you mind leaving by 6.30 so we can put the kids to bed?’ I’d be fine with that as a visitor, but annoyed by mixed messages about how welcome I was.

joystir59 · 26/06/2019 12:23

Being clear and direct because you know what works for you and what doesn't enables you to enjoy visits rather than dread them.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 26/06/2019 12:29

I'm the one on the other side of this situation. I used to be happy to help with bedtime routine, etc (obv technically close family, not random DC).

I'm not a mindreader and sometimes miss subtle hints, so clear instructions are always welcome.

If the other party sulks, that's their problem.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 26/06/2019 12:29

I don't invite people around on work/school/nursery night.

At the weekend, I put the kids to bed when they are tired if we have visitors, I wouldn't ask anyone to leave.

If you want to get rid of people, just make it clear when you invite them: come between 2 and 4 for example, as you would do for a kids party.

Scaredycatsonetwoandthree · 26/06/2019 13:11

I have a friend like this who just doesn't get subtle hints.

She always turns up super late or super early, if she late you don't get told, if she's early she will text to say she's on the drive.

I once was babysitting my 6 month old niece and said to her right well I best put susie (not my nieces actual name) to bed. Took the baby upstairs thinking that she would shift but no when I turned round after putting susie in the crib there was friend stood watching me.

I am now completely blunt with her and while it takes a few attempts she does eventually leave. It's sad because I like her but it makes me not want to invite her round. Her dh works away and I think she is lonely. She just needs to realise when I'm up at 6 the next morning she can't stay until 1-2am!

jackparlabane · 26/06/2019 13:42

If you want them to leave by x time, tell them! Saying 'I need to put thingy to bed at 6.30' doesn't mean you want them to leave - many people would be happy for their guests to entertain themselves for half an hour while that happens, and then have adults alone time.

Don't grumble when they think they are being helpful by being left alone and then they're suprised to find you grumpy afterwards.

codemonkey · 26/06/2019 13:45

I leave it to my very introverted child who tends to shout 'PEOPLE NEED TO LEAVE NOW' once he's had enough.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 26/06/2019 13:54

By other party, I mean the person who needs to leave.

Funnily enough tho, I had a friend with kids who used to come to mine, precisely because I didn't have kids. Could I get her to leave, nope...she ignored direct comments, never mind, subtle hints.

Hairwizard · 26/06/2019 13:58

My bil does this, drops in at bedtime🙄🙄 dp quite often not here as still at work. And while i get on well with him i wish he wouldnt call so late cos ds goes fucking loopy when hes in, wanting to carry on. Makes him hard to settle. And dd just loves the boys so screaming match ensues when he does leave. Sigh..

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