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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate my "lovely" area with a passion?

62 replies

caramelbaila · 25/06/2019 15:58

The village I live in is regarded as a very sought after place. People move from all over the country because of its quaintness and top scoring primary schools. It is one of the least deprived areas in the country. The village had (say had because most were bought) a small council estate of about 20 houses on the outskirts. You were considered very lucky if you got a council house here. Nowadays about 3 of them are still council. The rest have been bought and have had the middle walls knocked through to make 2 houses into one. I live in one of the remaining council's, and I fucking hate it.

Me and DH both grew up on estates and didn't go to uni but we both have decent jobs. I'm a carer and he's a decorator. We got together young and were married with 2 DC by 24. We are good, decent people as are my neighbours on both sides, who are in the other 2 council's. However all of us are snubbed by the rest of the road and in the village. My neighbour often says she feels like they are waiting for us to sod off. I get ignored at the school gates and my DC are often left out of party invites at school and nursery. On DD's 7th birthday I decided to take her and 3 friends to the cinema in town. 2 of the mum's INSISTED on coming with us. I said "It's fine, I will pick _ up, we'll see the film, get something to eat then I'll bring her home." They made excuses as to why they had to come. So we at were Pizza Hut afterwards and as the kids were chatting, the 2 mum's conversed with each other and ignored me.

I have been shamed by other mum's because my kids do their activities (DD dancing and DS messy art) in the town centre rather than in the village. "Ooh why don't you go to the village hall? It's just lovely." Pfft. Yeah, you say that, but I'm sure when we turned up you'd pretend you hadn't seen us. Not to mention it's a hell of a lot cheaper in town. DH is a decorator and has a really good reputation in the local towns. He is constantly being recommended. Has he ever had any work offered to him in the village? Fuck no. Someone moved in a while ago and he went round and said he had his own business etc and he'd be happy to help them at a discount if they ever needed him. They've not spoken to us since. DD's teacher's patronize me on parent's evening. Even the dentist who lives and works here spoke to me and DC like shit then as we left the room another mother and child came in and she was lovely to them.

We speak differently to everyone, not chavvy, just normal. We're a decade younger than most of the other parents round here. My daughter occasionally has to go to school with a pen mark on her jumper because she only has 1. All these are little things but they seem to be such a huge deal. Even DD is noticing. She came up to me last week and said " asked why I go to this school and not a different one." Well that's clearly come from 's mum. AIBU to just want to put my house up for swap and move away from here? I'm fucking sick of us being looked down on, and I miss being around people who actually saw us as decent people. I miss my old town, where there was actually a mixture.

OP posts:
KevinKeegansPerm · 25/06/2019 21:04

I live in a small village with neighbours similar to yours OP, although I bought my house.
I'm the only woman in the village who works. My female neighbours ' do lunch ' and hold coffee morning's.
I don't drive a car costing over 70k either.
Nor do I go to the village church and simper over the vicar. I'm not religious at all.
My neighbours can please themselves what they think about me, I don't give a toss.
What I do is enjoy my life and home, and not give a shit about any of them.
You can either take that stance or apply for a move OP, only you can know what will make you happy.

Winchestermom35 · 25/06/2019 22:41

We came from a highly sought after area one of the best outside of London I’m told.

We left as financially we’d never be able to buy a house there & the rent was killing us.

We moved to a council estate with a bad rep. Was supposed to be a short term maternity leave stop gap for 12 months before returning to the area our entire family & friends lived in. That was 4 yrs ago.

Our new “deprived” area is just so much nicer. Potentially because we “fit” here. In our old area we were starting to feel like the poor cousin. Thank god we left before the kids started school. It was getting snobby & that wasn’t us.

Our new town is so much more community oriented. We feel at home here rather than ostracised. I don’t think we’ve ever been sorry we moved. Necessity forced us into it but it turned out to be a fantastic decision.

JingsMahBucket · 25/06/2019 22:48

@2eternities ugh, what a horrible way to live and raise children. The quiet ostracism must be quite a head fuck too, just like it is for @caramelbaila.

MovinOnUp · 25/06/2019 23:11

I used to live in a council house in a village like this. It was awful.
The nursery Mums thought I was a lot younger than I actually was and looked down on me (despite the fact I was in my early 30's, married and had been for quite some time) and when they found out that I lived in a council house I was basically ignored or talked down to (if they bothered to talk to me at all)

One woman commented positively on a little girls new floral coat.
I said ''I liked that one for DD too but went with the purple duffle coat in the end''
She looked down her nose at me and said ''That floral coat is from Boden''
''So is DD's duffle coat'' I replied (confused) Then it dawned on me that she obviously didn't think council house dwellers shopped at Boden :) :)

Things like that I found amusing, But when DD was left out over and over again it broke my heart. I was so glad to leave that place.

Jasging · 25/06/2019 23:20

Is it Hagley?!

That aside I wonder if it's more of an age issue, in places like this the mums will be generally older and with all the cliques it can become more pronounced if you are the only young one?

Bluerussian · 25/06/2019 23:44

I honestly do not understand why people look down on others who may not be so well off financially. We're all basically the same, have blood running through our veins, go to the toilet, etc. Some have been able to earn more money or been fortunate with finances but it doesn't alter the fact that people are people and there are good and bad in all strata of society. Well that is one thing but.....

When that attitude filters down to children it's detestable. Kids are kids after all and entitled to respect from adults. It's important to teach our children (if the subject comes up, no point in putting something into their heads that may not yet have occurred to them), to be fair to everyone - egalitarian. It's unkind to be otherwise. We have to set children a good example. Do as you would be done by!

I'm sensitive about this because my mother was very snobbish and pretentious. My parents were 'working class' (Dad was a printer), and came from poor but 'respectable' backgrounds. We lived reasonably well, the house and garden were pleasant, we had a car and holidays but were not in the 'well off' bracket. Yet my mum put on airs, would talk in a funny voice to non family, which was acutely embarrassing, and would warn me against people who were 'common' and didn't speak nicely. When we were at home, her mask slipped! She didn't mix with anyone outside of the family unless she had to and was intimidated by those who were better off, considering them to be 'snobs' when usually they were not.

I don't want to run my mum down because she was good in many ways and an excellent grandmother but how I am as an adult, mixing with many people of all backgrounds and being comfortable, is a result of my childhood. I couldn't care less about what people have in the bank or what they earn. However I am conscious of snobbery emanating from (some of) the less well educated or well off, who have large chips on their shoulders and frequently misinterpret what people say - and how they say it. It shows how insecure they are and it's a shame, they could be making some good friends rather than deepening any divide that exists.

Jemima232 · 26/06/2019 00:00

Oh, caramelbaila I feel for you.

It's two things, I think. Your accent and the fact that you're in a council house. Some people are so snobby, it's pathetic.

I wouldn't hesitate to exchange the property. You'll be so much happier and so will your DD.

I'm so sorry things have turned out like this. I bet you weren't expecting it.

Flowers
rosynoses · 26/06/2019 00:06

I've always liked this saying 'no one can make you feel inferior without your consent' I know it won't solve everything and your village sound like stuck up arses but it's helped me at hard times

Jemima232 · 26/06/2019 00:08

Oh, and EarGreyOfTwinings - your comment wins a prize.

Nastiest and least empathetic of the day.

SkintAsASkintThing · 26/06/2019 00:49

I had this growing up as a poor family in a good area (( my mum did own her home though )) I once got into a scrap with a school friend who drew on my shirt. So I drew on hers.
The mum came to the house to complain.......when my mum pointed out it was tit for tat the response was ' well Claudia's was an expensive one'

Seems like things haven't changed much. Hmm

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 27/06/2019 21:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EarlGreyOfTwinings · 27/06/2019 22:06

SpongeBobJudgeyPants
oh we're going for personal attacks now are we? Confused

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