To hate my "lovely" area with a passion?

[caramelbaila]

The village I live in is regarded as a very sought after place. People move from all over the country because of its quaintness and top scoring primary schools. It is one of the least deprived areas in the country. The village had (say had because most were bought) a small council estate of about 20 houses on the outskirts. You were considered very lucky if you got a council house here. Nowadays about 3 of them are still council. The rest have been bought and have had the middle walls knocked through to make 2 houses into one. I live in one of the remaining council's, and I fucking hate it.

Me and DH both grew up on estates and didn't go to uni but we both have decent jobs. I'm a carer and he's a decorator. We got together young and were married with 2 DC by 24. We are good, decent people as are my neighbours on both sides, who are in the other 2 council's. However all of us are snubbed by the rest of the road and in the village. My neighbour often says she feels like they are waiting for us to sod off. I get ignored at the school gates and my DC are often left out of party invites at school and nursery. On DD's 7th birthday I decided to take her and 3 friends to the cinema in town. 2 of the mum's INSISTED on coming with us. I said "It's fine, I will pick _ up, we'll see the film, get something to eat then I'll bring her home." They made excuses as to why they had to come. So we at were Pizza Hut afterwards and as the kids were chatting, the 2 mum's conversed with each other and ignored me.

I have been shamed by other mum's because my kids do their activities (DD dancing and DS messy art) in the town centre rather than in the village. "Ooh why don't you go to the village hall? It's just lovely." Pfft. Yeah, you say that, but I'm sure when we turned up you'd pretend you hadn't seen us. Not to mention it's a hell of a lot cheaper in town. DH is a decorator and has a really good reputation in the local towns. He is constantly being recommended. Has he ever had any work offered to him in the village? Fuck no. Someone moved in a while ago and he went round and said he had his own business etc and he'd be happy to help them at a discount if they ever needed him. They've not spoken to us since. DD's teacher's patronize me on parent's evening. Even the dentist who lives and works here spoke to me and DC like shit then as we left the room another mother and child came in and she was lovely to them.

We speak differently to everyone, not chavvy, just normal. We're a decade younger than most of the other parents round here. My daughter occasionally has to go to school with a pen mark on her jumper because she only has 1. All these are little things but they seem to be such a huge deal. Even DD is noticing. She came up to me last week and said " asked why I go to this school and not a different one." Well that's clearly come from 's mum. AIBU to just want to put my house up for swap and move away from here? I'm fucking sick of us being looked down on, and I miss being around people who actually saw us as decent people. I miss my old town, where there was actually a mixture.

Seems far fetched that every single person has conspired against you. Have you tried approaching others to make small talk at the gates? Don't expect everyone to make the first move. Do your kids have any friends in class.. There must be a couple they play with all kids do. Maybe invite them and the parents around you sure you not being a little paranoid hun x

This seems like where my first wife came from, you have to have 3 generations in the churchyard before they'll give you the time of day;!

Think i'm joking:?..

I would be very careful where you swapped to, but if it is your home town and it is more or less the same as before, and you know the school dc will go is a good one. Then yes I would absolutely move. Your lives will be blighted by the village snobbery, and there is no way it will not affect your children in time.

I would not put this down to a self esteem issue, the most confident person alive would have problems feeling happy and relaxed in that kind of environment.

If you can't even organise a children's playdate or party then your children are also going to have some social/friendship issues too.

There are much nicer and more welcoming places in the country to live, and you deserve to be happy and respected in the same way everyone else is.

You sound very bitter - are you sure you are so open-minded and do not read more than there is?

I have seen a woman complaining in my local FB group about the exact same thing. It's true, people look down at them and try to avoid them. It's also true that no one gives a monkey about where they come from. The reason why everybody avoids them are:
They've cut all the trees in their properties. Their right (people did check that they were entitled to), but a bloody shame.
Their kids are noisy and screaming at all hours.
and so on, and so forth.

I would hate to be their neighbours!

I am not saying you are antisocial yourself, but you might likely read too much into people's attitude. The mother asking you why you didn't use the hall wasn't judgmental, it's a reasonable question for example!

You sound very bitter -

Are you reading a different thread from the one I can see?

God, this is the reason I refuse to live in small towns and villages. The opportunity for nosiness and community shunning is just way too high.

RubberTreePlant
I am just reading the OP

things like "My kids often left out" - so the kids are not invited to all the parties.. big deal?

and taking every comment the wrong way.

I can't see that at all Earl. Your interpretation seems obtuse. But hey ho

Is it definitely that or is it because you're not from the countryside?

I'm in a similar village and 'outsiders', particularly anyone who isn't from the countryside have a hard time and are greeted with a sort of suspicion.

They don't know what to do with me because I'm Northern (in Hampshire) but from the countryside. Also I ignore any nonsense and just pretend I couldn't possibly understand how they wouldn't want to be friends with me because I'm amazing and they get over it.

Or I mention DH was born here and name drop his parents who still live here and then I'm see as 'acceptable' and not a 'true' outsider

earl Often it is the unspoken words that are the most powerful. If your neighbours cheerily say good morning to everyone but you, then you can't really say they are being rude directly, because really they are being rude indirectly. I can imagine that if op is having various different forms of this all day, every day, it would become very toxic for her and her family.

That does not make her bitter does it. If her children are being left out of parties and if she is feeling excluded, then that is her experience. Yes we always have to examine our own actions and behaviours, but really aren't you just reenforcing the negativity by telling op it is her fault?
If you are going to post anything, perhaps offer some solutions.

Although there is a bit of class shite too - we bought our 4 bed detached house on a new estate and I was told by the person showing us around that we "shouldn't worry about the affordable housing because it's over the other side of the estate".

They were quite taken aback when I answered a bit snappily that I wasn't at all worried about the affordable housing because my DM grew up in council housing and is perfectly normal.

where I would hate to live where you are. How bloody hideous and a little backward no?

I agree OP seems to have a chip on her shoulder. It reads that way a bit to me; maybe mentioning it is actually helpful.

Feel free to swap OP I'm sure they'll be plenty of takers

Mainly, yes. It's just nonsense and people from the village talk about 'the townies' not knowing X, Y, Z rather than just helping to welcome them and let them know if they've done something they shouldn't in a nice way.

Sometimes, no. A lot of new houses have gone up here and people have moved in from towns and don't understand certain things about the countryside.

So, for example, go up public footpaths through fields and let their dogs off lead which then worry the sheep.

Throwing food in for horses thinking they're giving them a treat but actually giving them digestive issues.

Writing on FB wanting pavements and street lights in the village for safety reasons (an anathema to most countryside people).

I was also on the receiving end of some choice language on the local FB group from someone who has moved in to the area about something which was a misunderstanding. Generally people wouldn't swear at each other in a village (not because they're nicer but mainly because we know we'll all bump into each other) but if you come from a town it's more frequent (in my experience of having lived in both recently). That caused quite the stir as it just jarred with 'village culture' I guess.

It’s horrid when you feel in the wrong place. When we lived in London I went to a baby group on the local estate and no one would talk to me - I guess they thought I was “posh” and was older. Didn’t take it personally but it’s not nice especially if it’s your whole life. Quite funny how tribal people are but they are even if they say they aren’t.

I have an idea how you feel- I live in "one of those new houses" in a village, which we bought 20+ years ago . There are people who come from old village familes who can be a bit sniffy even now. Possibly because our kids were already at school when we moved here and didn't move them to the grotty village one.

If you are going to post anything, perhaps offer some solutions

don't take everything personally and realise that people are much less interested in you than you think?

If you take everything as a personal attack, it makes you miserable, no one else. You have no idea if anyone else' went to uni either

You don't live in Prestbury do you? I work there and was stood in the Co-Op a few months ago listening to three older women discussing with absolutely no shame how it was sad that the council properties had all but been sold as there was nowhere for the 'hired help' to live nearby 🤣

Seriously though, yes, move 👍🏻

Move if you think you’ll be happier, life is too short. However, I think you’re maybe overthinking some of the examples you’ve given:

-It might be overprotective but it’s not that uncommon for parents to want to accompany to a cinema party
-I’d never employ a tradesperson that came round uninvited to solicit business, it sounds like you’re DH had nice intentions but I’d probably think they were desperate for work because they weren’t that good
-If I went to a great local group and knew someone was travelling to go to something similar I would recommend the local one to them
-Unless your child is the only one in the class not invited to a party they’re not really being left out

I do see why you’re reading so much into though, if the village dwellers have been really rude to you in the past then it makes sense that you’d think the worst. It’s very unlikely they’re all out to get you but if you don’t like living there then just move. It sounds like you’ll be happier elsewhere.

I can sympathise as we lived somewhere similar for two years with dh's job.
Someone wouldn't speak to us as we were renting a house and dh didn't earn a six figure salary. A few people were very nice and normal , but mostly the little village mentality was evident and the snobby behaviour an eye opener ( from some)
Shame as it was a pretty place to live!

I think you're thinking more of it that it is. I wouldn't employ a local person who offered to work for me, I only use people who I have had recommendations from customers and I've seen there work and I'd probably avoid him after that because I'd feel awkward. I wouldn't allow my 7 year old to go to a cinema and birthday party with a parent I didn't know, I'd want to bring her, wait and collect her. I would probably say "oh why don't you come to the local one it's fab" if I heard someone was going to one further away and I went to a good one, that's not shaming you.
My daughter has loads of jumpers, often grabs the same one and goes in pen covered. You are probably a bit younger than the other mums so maybe they don't know how much they have in common so aren't as chatty. It sounds like anything that happens you put down to the council aspect and look for things that often might not actually be things at all. However that's irrelevant, if you aren't happy move but I'd question if in a new area you will just put new issues down to something else and think anxiety/self esteem might be worth looking at

This ^

No yanbu snobby areas suck, curtain twitchers galore etc

Jings yes I'm originally from a place with a lot of small towns and villages bordering each other, very cliquey place full of small town mindset, will alienate people even from other nearby towns and villages. Horrible place would never raise my kids there though it looks lovely

I don’t think that your DH should have tried to solicit business in that way. I would not be happy to be the recipient of that, whatever the socioeconomic class of the guy involved.

Pizza Hut thing could have been related to not wanting child to go with unknown adult. A bit overprotective arguably but not necessarily snobby.

Craft recommendation was probably innocuous, helpful.

However, you obviously have a “feel” for the place and an instinct that’s telling you that you’re unwelcome. As long as it doesn’t negatively affect DC I can only suggest getting on with your life, seeing friends who live elsewhere etc and avoiding social contact with these people as much as possible, just keep things polite and superficial.

They sound like an unpleasant bunch. Your post was really considered and well expressed, ignore those accusing you of bitterness-you don't sound it. I'd move.