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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My partner's temper

45 replies

Alexisaurous · 25/06/2019 10:35

My other half has quite a temper. Every few months we will have a row about something quite trivial and he will lose his temper. He then doesn't talk to me for days (to be fair, I don't talk to him either). The last fight last Friday he swore at me, telling me to 'get the f out of his room' and pushed me. The scary thing was that the kids were there watching. They looked terrified.
I sent him a Whatsapp shortly afterwards saying that it was not acceptable to be like that, that he needs to apologise. He ended up going out that night and not coming back till 1am and has since not spoken to me for 5 days.

He genuinely thinks it's my fault - that I annoy him and so I deserve it. I make a point of not shouting back, but that just annoys him even more.
I'm not sure what to do. It's his birthday on Thursday and I know that if I don't do anything for it, he will say I spoilt it.
I kind of know what the answer is, but wondered if anyone was in a similar position. Has anyone had this and resolved it? How? Taking into account that this happens fairly regularly - not the pushing, but the swearing and losing temper followed by days of silent treatment.
We have 5 year old twins.

OP posts:
regmover · 25/06/2019 10:39

He doesn't need to apologise. You need to dump him for the sake of the children. He won't change.

Forgotmycoat · 25/06/2019 10:41

Him apologising doesn't make it better. He's turning physically abusive now, and scaring and scarring the children. You need to leave. My ex husband was like this, it only got worse.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 25/06/2019 10:41

Abuse.

Straightforward abuse.

7yo7yo · 25/06/2019 10:44

Leave.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 25/06/2019 10:45

He's abusing you. He's also teaching your children that this kind of behaviour is normal and acceptable. Please, please, listen to the people who will continue to post on here and tell you how severe his behaviour is.

Ultimately he isn't going to change. He isn't going to learn to calm down and he isn't going to modify his behaviour. You and your children deserve far, far more.

cheeseislife8 · 25/06/2019 10:45

It sounds like he's escalating. It's time to make yourself and your children safe

forsucksfake · 25/06/2019 10:45

You know what the answer is. He is emotionally abusive, and now it has become physical. Your children are watching and internalising all kinds of horrible ideas about what is acceptable human behaviour. I would not be worrying about his birthday at all. You deserve better. My gut tells me counseling will not help, and I would cut my losses now, but only you can make that decision. Whatever you do, know that you do not deserve to be abused in this way by anyone. And remember that you kids are learning what they should tolerate and how they should behave from your husband and you. I am genuinely sorry that you are dealing with this.

VivienneHolt · 25/06/2019 10:46

Your partner is an abuser. You can’t modify your behaviour to change him OP - absusers abuse regardless of how the victims behave.

Lickmylemonade3 · 25/06/2019 10:47

Get out of the relationship for your own safety and sanity. Plus even though it might nit be in front of kids, they know. Keep those kids safe. As a Mother that is your priority.

Forgotmycoat · 25/06/2019 10:48

Please protect your dc and leave now before any more damage is done to them by witnessing their father's behaviour. It's madness to be worrying about his birthday, worry about the effects of thisrelationship on your dc

AyBeeCee10 · 25/06/2019 10:48

What do you want an apology for? Its meaningless, he is abusive. You are fully aware of this and seeing the impact on your children. Theres only one thing to do, which is leave. If you stay then you are just as responsible for them growing up in an abusive home.

TeaForTheWin · 25/06/2019 10:48

He put his hands on you infront of your young children?! Eh, nah, that should be the last straw. Even if he did say sorry, so what? He has already demonstrated to your kids that it is ok of a man to shove a woman.

You aren't his mother and he isn't a moody teen so why are you tolerating this crap?

Leave.

pearses · 25/06/2019 10:50

leave

Lizzie3869 · 25/06/2019 10:50

This is abuse and you should leave him.

JacquesHammer · 25/06/2019 10:51

He is abusing you. He is abusing you in front of your children.

You don’t need him to apologise, you need him to leave.

Whosorrynow · 25/06/2019 10:54

He believes it's your fault because in his mind he is superior to you and therefore entitled to punish you if you challenge him or disobey him
He will not change, any insubordination or disobedience from you will trigger him into rage and punishment mode
You should make plans carefully to escape from this dangerous situation, there is no way to resolve this or make him into a decent person

moonpiggle · 25/06/2019 10:57

You must be drained putting up with the manchild.

Weenurse · 25/06/2019 11:01

Do you want your children growing up with your relationship as a model?
Time to go.

Aprillygirl · 25/06/2019 11:52

Him not apologising means that he doesn't think he's in the wrong therefore there is no hope. You could give him a chance and an ultimatum of anger management or marriage counselling, but I'm pretty sure he wouldn't accept it therefore kick him out before his manhandling of you escalates.

Whosorrynow · 25/06/2019 11:59

Exactly, he feels it is his right to discipline you, to punish you, the fact that you continue to stay with him confirms to him that he is doing what is right and justified

He belongs under the patio
Not really, do not retaliate, escape

Smellbow · 25/06/2019 12:02

He is physically and emotionally abusing you, talk to Women's Aid and get out.

ThatCurlyGirl · 25/06/2019 12:04

What would you say if your child was in your situation as an adult? Would you want her to leave someone who is such a wanker or would you tell her to leave?

Your behaviour teaches your children what is acceptable in relationships - psychologically you are a blueprint for what is "normal" to them.

My parents were very much do whatever it takes, anything is better than divorce etc. They weren't horrible people and I don't judge them for this as it was what they were taught too.

BUT I am sad that it's taken me years to undo what they taught me and realise I shouldn't stay in relationship and just make it work because leaving is somehow giving up.

Also google sunk cost fallacy as this is probably a factor too.

Alexisaurous · 25/06/2019 12:14

Thank you everyone for your comments. Especially to @ThatCurlyGirl as hearing someone speaking from personal experience helps understand what I need to do.

It appears I have a clear path to follow.

OP posts:
NannyRed · 25/06/2019 12:26

Here...have my first ever LTB

I’ve been in exactly the same situation, he turned everything around, lied to everyone and got full custody of our children.
Leave now, whilst you can, or put up with his shit forever, it’s your choice. You know which is the right way.

bourbonbiccy · 25/06/2019 12:29

Sounds horrible and you and your children deserve better....much better.

If you can't do it for you, do it to protect your children, they should not be raised in this environment.

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