My partner's temper

[Alexisaurous]

My other half has quite a temper. Every few months we will have a row about something quite trivial and he will lose his temper. He then doesn't talk to me for days (to be fair, I don't talk to him either). The last fight last Friday he swore at me, telling me to 'get the f out of his room' and pushed me. The scary thing was that the kids were there watching. They looked terrified.
I sent him a Whatsapp shortly afterwards saying that it was not acceptable to be like that, that he needs to apologise. He ended up going out that night and not coming back till 1am and has since not spoken to me for 5 days.

He genuinely thinks it's my fault - that I annoy him and so I deserve it. I make a point of not shouting back, but that just annoys him even more.
I'm not sure what to do. It's his birthday on Thursday and I know that if I don't do anything for it, he will say I spoilt it.
I kind of know what the answer is, but wondered if anyone was in a similar position. Has anyone had this and resolved it? How? Taking into account that this happens fairly regularly - not the pushing, but the swearing and losing temper followed by days of silent treatment.
We have 5 year old twins.

I could easily list 100 people who annoy me. However I don't go around using that excuse to push them.
He's nothing but abusive prick.

The absolute joke is that he thinks you will want to celebrate his birthday with him, despite his behaviour.

Do your children the biggest possible favour and move away from this man.

I bet there are other issues, too, aren't there?

From experience with a couple of women I worked with years back , pushing was how the physical violence started. It then escalated rapidly & was always in front of the children: but they were careful to aim for parts that wouldn't show publicly. One ended up with hearing loss in one ear & mild brain damage which affected her memory & co ordination. I really would start thinking about leaving. Also, the relationships children have with main carers sets the template for future relationships they have. They model (copy) behaviour they think is normal & may unconsciously be drawn to abusive partners as well, as its that's familiar & 'normal' to them.

I doubt that he genuinely cares that you don't want to celebrate his birthday, important thing is that you obey him and honour him to demonstrate that you know who's boss

I'm surprised you're even asking tbh. Your partner has physically assaulted you and terrified your children. Why would you risk that happening even one more time?

@Lazy I think you're being unfair, people in abusive relationships have often been brainwashed and subjected to so much stress that they genuinely can't get an objective view on the situation, reaching out and asking others to take a look is a first step towards understanding what's really happening here

That is really not on.
He needs to attend anger management at the very least.
Thankfully I was brought up in a violent home but I can only imagine it is beyond terrifying for the children.
I read a case of domestic abuse, the usual DF kills DM, he wrote to tell the DC it was her fault she pushed him to far this time. Taking no responsibility for killing her.

Non violent home.
Please OP find the strength to sort this out.

I realise that's often the case, Whosorrynow, and I've read heart-rending posts on here from women who have been so ground down that they genuinely can't see that it's abuse and that it's not their fault. Maybe I'm wrong, but I felt the tone of this post came across more as hesitant than brainwashed.

I take your point @lazy

In response @Whosorrynow and @Lazylinguist I feel that it's very hard to take the step to accept that anything going on in your own home is classed as 'domestic abuse'. I'm sure that even those who are in more extreme positions than I am will still sometimes live in the hope that things will change and get better. I don't think I'm either in denial or brainwashed - I just wanted to see whether there was anyone out there who had come back from this? I was brought up in a single parent family and I was hoping to avoid breaking the family up if perhaps there is some way to rectify it. However, reading these replies, it looks unlikely. I don't see anyone saying 'yes, my partner used to push me and shout at me, he went for anger management classes and now he's nice as pie!'. So, I think we know the answer... no denial and no brainwashing. Thanks for the input, I appreciate it.

I just think that if you're still as un-brainwashed and clear-headed as you sound, the terrified looks on your children's faces are hopefully enough to make you realise that there are more important things at stake than a possible continued relationship with a man who is unlikely to change, even if there are rare examples of abusers who do. The risk is surely too high.

Tbh, OP, he doesn't the type who would take responsibility for his own mental stability, relationship stability and family stability, by e.g. seeking some sort of talking therapy or group support.

He sounds like he'll just crack on blaming you.

My DP (of c. 7 years) had six sessions of counselling to talk through his anger issues (around his shitty upbringing). It helped a lot. BUT he accepted responsibility for dealing with this, had never touched me in anger, worked hard at it and took it seriously.

I don't sense, OP, that your DP will be up for this.

doesn't seem the type

@TheLovelyHorse yes, unfortunately I think you're right.

I had a similar experience with my ex. The time he pushed me was the time I called the police (who arrested him then took NFA) and made plans to leave.

Ultimately if he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, he won't change. If he thinks he got away with pushing you this time, he'll do it again. My ex never laid a finger on me after I reported it but just moved to control me in other ways. Some men would get more violent.

Something very useful someone once told me was that if it feels abusive, it is abusive, regardless of other factors. No excuses. Your kids are scared. Time to take action.

If there was any hope, he'd have been filled with instant horror and remorse. I agree that if he didn't realise immediately how appalling his actions were and further more is holding YOU responsible for his own violence, then there is a real risk he will escalate.

I grew up in a home where my parents rowed aggressively on a regular basis, mostly verbal (screaming) but plenty of pushing, smashing and threats of violence. In my late teens I called the police twice because I thought there was real danger they'd seriously hurt each other. They both reacted like I was absurd. I joined MN a few years ago and read a thread called "did you have a happy childhood" and for the first time, in my 30s, I admitted to myself I didn't and it hit me hard. I witnessed such terrifying behaviour (in my case both parents were culpable). Even to this day my parents minimise what they did, couldn't understand why I didn't want to move back home after university and I have been left with a lifelong fear of becoming my mother when angry. I love my parents but can't forgive them. They'd never acknowledge they fucked up. I am desperate to not have my children grow up on the constant knife edge where a minor upset or petty sniping would escalate into horrific rows . I really didn't know how abnormal that was until I was older. Your children are young enough if you get out to be saved this.

Leave this type of thing never ends well

Gosh @inthehammock I'm so sorry this happened to you. And thank you for sharing. It really puts into perspective the longer term impact this can have on children.

Focus on how absolutely terrifying this is for those little 5 year olds.

I promise you, they will never forget it.

Everything you do for them during their childhood will be totally overshadowed by the anger and violence that they hear and witness.

There is NO getting away from that fact.