Mil more interested in distant relatives than her own grandchild

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My Mil has her distant relatives (third cousin) daughter staying at her house for 2 weeks. She is spending lots of time with her taking her to town, different activities and restaurants etc. Relative is from another European country (don't want to be to outing with specific locations) and mil sees these relatives atleast every year, sometimes even twice a year. But she is spending alot more time and effort on this girl in 2 weeks than she ever has on my dc in his entire life (he is 18 months old). My DC is her only grandchild. AIBU to be a bit annoyed and puzzled by this? Why would you spend all this effort, time and money on distant relatives, yet hardly ever on your own grandchild.

Bump, anyone?

TBH, maybe she gets on well with this distant relative and is enjoying her company? Nothing really wrong with that.
You feeling like she's not so interested in her grandchildren is another issue. What does your dh think?

It's quite common when you have a friend of relative who lives far away, tbh. People "get" that to maintain the relationship when you're so far apart, you have to put in the effort when you do see them. When you live nearby it's easy to take it for granted, put it off until next week, or just not get round to it.

Since it bothers you, then you could seek out opportunities for her to be more involved with your DC. Is it possible you've made her feel that you wouldn't welcome her involvement ?

How old is the other child? If your DC is only 18 months then he’s likely to be harder work (and less fun socially) to look after than say a 4 or 5 year old.
I’ve noticed now my youngest is 4 everyone enjoys playing with him more because he’s a lot more self sufficient and less effort

I can understand her enjoying this person’s company.

Maybe your MIL is one of those people who just isn’t particularly interested in being a close, involved grandparent. My grandmother was the same. It hurt my mum terribly but there was nothing she could do about it. You have to accept people as they are - you can’t force her to change. I know it’s hurtful, but it’s no reflection on you child. She is who she is.

Who knows? There could be a billion reasons why she doesn’t spend much time with your DS. What are you like with her? Maybe she thinks you don’t want her over stepping boundaries, which seems to be a regular thing from DILs on MN.

Without knowing what you, your MIL and your relationship are all like it’s impossible to say!

Dh says he thought his mum would be more interested in our dc, he is upset she isn't. She sees him maybe once every 3 months, once it was just for 45 mins when she popped into our house as she was on her way somewhere else. The longest time she spent with DC was at Christmas when we visited her. Even then she wasn't that interested in him, she was more interested in bossing dh around because she is quite controlling but that's a different issue. She also didn't want us to have children (even though we are married and in our 30s).It seems like our dc is an after thought.

You need to accept this woman doesn't want to be a doting granny as much as it hurts she is never going to be the grandmother you want, I am assuming this relative is a grown up and her friend which is different imo

What’s your relationship like with her? This matters a lot imo as to whether GP are involved with their GC. It might have something to do with her lack of presence in your sons life or she may just not be bothered.

I think you need to let it go, personally. You can’t force her to care as hurtful as it is. Are your parents involved?

Relatives are weird. My dad fell out with his father (my grandfather) when my daughter was small. He was boasting to everyone at the table at a family dinner how he had given the young cashier at his local bank £100 and a card when she went on maternity leave. My dad hit the roof. He had never even acknowledge the birth of his 2 great granddaughters, not even a phone call. Even now I don't think he is aware that he has 4 great grandchildren (soon to be 5) never mind what their names are or sending birthday/Christmas cards.

To be honest this grandparent has always had favourites. I remember one Christmas when I was about 13/14, my Grandfather bought my 2 boy cousins a foosball table to share. Me and my 2 sisters got a handful of colouring books (the sort of cheap ones you get in poundland) to share!

totally their loss in the grand scheme of things.

NoSauce the relationship isn't great because there are issues with her crossing boundaries many times in the past. She is controlling and doesn't treat dh like an adult. If she doesn't get her way she will use things emotional emotional blackmail and silent treatment with dh. I still thought she would have more of an interest in dc, I question if she even likes never mind loves my dc.

The relative is about 15 years old

Could it be because the distant relative is sweeter to her than your son?

It doesn't sound the best relationship really does it ? I think you need to let it go your husband must be really hurt that his mother is like this to him and his child you need to keep it at arms length you hardly see her as it is so it isn't a great wrench to keep a distance.

My parents are alot more involved and visit often.

So a teenager right ok I understand now I dunno I imagine trotting about town with an admiring 15 yr old is better to deal with than her son and baby as wrong as it is

Mrsjayy yeah it's not the best relationship. Feel bad for dh and dc, surely he will notice when he is older.

You dont like her
You complain about her
No wonder she doesnt want to see you .
All you do is moan
You (obviously) prefer your own mother
Thats the harsh reality

He will notice when he is older but she can be the granny they visit at christmas you can protect him and he has other doting grandparents, also she might be a bit better when he is older and chatting.

Some people are just not interested in little children. This 15 year old may be very sweet and happy to be entertained. I'd let this go - your MIL is enjoying the visit , don't compare how she is with your DS.

YANBU. My grandparents were like this, fussing over their NDN grandchildren more than they did their own. Always telling us of achievements of family friends DC and GC and yet when my parents told them of ours they barely listened. So we rarely visited and didn’t really have a relationship. And they complained we never came to see them! We’re over it now but it was hurtful, both to the grandchildren and my parents and aunts/uncles.

MyOpinionIsValid it's not about seeing me, and yes we have a strained relationship due to her crossing many boundaries and me not wanting to put up with it or give into her. It's about her making no effort with dc from the moment he was born. She was in tears asking how will we cope when we told her we were having dc. Even when we go to her and make the effort she isn't that interested in dc.

Hmm. She’s crossed boundaries previously so then backed off when you made it clear you didn’t approve?

What sort of boundaries did she cross? Tbh it sounds like you’d be better off without her being involved anyway.

She sounds very intense does your husband have siblings is she so dramatic with them?

NoSauce telling us how to live our life. Like telling dh not to have children, telling us how much to donate at our sons christening, trying to bribe dh with an offer to pay for part of nursery because she she didn't want me to be a sahm and asking every day and trying to bribe dh with a prep machine because I should stop breastfeeding. These are just a few examples. When we don't do what she wants it's emotional blackmail, silent treatment and even shouting tantrums. She hasn't really backed off trying to be involved in DH's life, she still tries to boss him around. She recently tried to tell him to get another specific job/ career she had picked out. She treats us like children when it comes to looking after dc, but she doesn't care about spending any time with dc or even playing with him when she sees him.