Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Mil more interested in distant relatives than her own grandchild

51 replies

ICantThinkOfAUsernameA · 25/06/2019 09:35

My Mil has her distant relatives (third cousin) daughter staying at her house for 2 weeks. She is spending lots of time with her taking her to town, different activities and restaurants etc. Relative is from another European country (don't want to be to outing with specific locations) and mil sees these relatives atleast every year, sometimes even twice a year. But she is spending alot more time and effort on this girl in 2 weeks than she ever has on my dc in his entire life (he is 18 months old). My DC is her only grandchild. AIBU to be a bit annoyed and puzzled by this? Why would you spend all this effort, time and money on distant relatives, yet hardly ever on your own grandchild.

OP posts:

Original poster

ICantThinkOfAUsernameA · 25/06/2019 10:57

Mrsjayy he has siblings and she is like this with all of them. Bil usually does everything his mum says. Sil doesn't and sometimes they have issues in their relationship I think.

OP posts:

underneaththeash · 25/06/2019 10:59

Meh...she sounds like a PITA, I'd just be glad that she doesn't want to see you all the time.

BarbarianMum · 25/06/2019 11:01

So she's awful but you're really upset she's not more involved with her grandson?

You don't want her in your life, so she's withdrawn but now you resent her spending time with other family and friends? Can you not see the contradictions here?

Mrsjayy · 25/06/2019 11:03

Meh...she sounds like a PITA, I'd just be glad that she doesn't want to see you all the time.

This i would be quite relieved she wasn't involved your little toddler doesn't need thev grief or drama, let her have the 15 year old to stay she probably enjoys the organising of the girl for 2 weeks.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 25/06/2019 11:04

You (obviously) prefer your own mother Thats the harsh reality

The vast majority of people probably prefer their own mothers. And that's not a harsh reality, it's the natural way of things. An in-law who expects otherwise has unreasonable expectations and is going to be left perpetually disappointed. Much better to forge your own, separate relationships based on their own separate merits, and bear in mind that competition is the thief of joy. You can't possibly replicate the relationship between a child and parent, and the outcome won't be desirable if you try.

OP - these situations are painful but when you accept that you have the MiL you have, rather than the one you wish you had, it does help. She won't change. But her lack of interest in you and your DC divests you of responsibility to HER, including ceding your precious special occasions over to her out of a sense of duty and obligation.

My MiL is exactly the same. And bizarrely, given her absence for approximately 363 days of the year, she seems belatedly to be realizing she no longer takes priority at birthdays/Christmas and isn't happy. Likewise, your own MiL has set the parameters for her relationship with your family and now you have to respect them; as I respected those of mine. But do remember this if/when the boot is ever on the other foot, and she expects you to prioritize her.

She's made her bed.

NoSauce · 25/06/2019 11:36

Sounds like you would do well to cut her off completely! Honestly I wouldn’t be stressing over her not bothering with DS.

Apileofballyhoo · 25/06/2019 11:49

She probably tries to impress people she feels it necessary to impress. You, your DH and your DC are not people she cares to impress.

Original poster

ICantThinkOfAUsernameA · 25/06/2019 12:13

On one hand yeah I should be happy she isn't very involved with dc given her behaviour. But dh insists we visit her and even then she isn't interested in dc, she is more interested in treating dh like a child. She treats dc like an inconvenient after thought. Surely dc will pick up on this as he gets older.

Apileofballyhoo she is certainly one to care what others think over the happiness of her own family I think. She even cares if dh sends birthday cards and a present to her ex husband that cheated and will pester h to make sure he does!

OP posts:

NoSauce · 25/06/2019 12:41

I wouldn’t go to see her and in your shoes I would insist my husband didn’t take my child to see her given she doesn’t seem to appear to care about him. I can’t understand why he puts you all through this if I’m honest.

Beesandcheese · 25/06/2019 12:46

Similar to my own mother. She loves hosting little parties for the grandchildren of her sister and her cousins. But we never get asked to visit. In my mum's case I think she wants to look better than her sister and is sucking up inheritancewise on her cousin's side. Personally I relish not having to turn my mother down. Could your mil be working on an invite to visit the European country?

Seniorschoolmum · 25/06/2019 12:49

Could it simply be that she finds showing a teenager around London much more fun than the toddler stage?

Does she live alone? Is she better at one-to-one relationships than multi-facet ones, where she has to interact with you and your dh as well as your dc?

My dm was only interested to the baby stage and lost interest in her dgcs as soon as they could express their own opinions.

No point being upset, just accept the way she is, because I doubt she will change.

RedPanda2 · 25/06/2019 12:54

A 15 year old is very different to a toddler. I'm not very interested in my toddler nephews but the older ones are interesting to be with

IsabellaLinton · 25/06/2019 13:00

But dh insists we visit her and even then she isn't interested in dc, she is more interested in treating dh like a child. She treats dc like an inconvenient after thought. Surely dc will pick up on this as he gets older.

He will, because she’s his mother, and he feels loyalty to her. It’s also extremely painful to realise that your parent has little interest in your child. My DM was that person. It hurt her terribly.

But he can’t change her. This is how she is. There’s no point wishing and hoping you can change things you can’t control. He has to accept it.

And speaking as the child once in that situation - I wouldn’t worry about it! It didn’t bother me in the slightest, probably because I had a wonderful relationship with my other grandparents. One set of grandparents were very involved, and we went and had tea occasionally with the other set that weren’t. I just accepted that they were different. Not better or worse - just different. I felt no less loved and cherished.

Wheresthecoffee92 · 25/06/2019 13:12

Because she's a guest from abroad staying in her home?! Obviously you treat a guest who is staying with you differently to how you treat someone else's 18 month old toddler? Maybe they're close and she just wants to ensure she has a good trip? I don't know why this is confusing or weird to be honest. I'd treat a house guest, relative or not, from abroad who was with me for two weeks differently from how I'd treat my toddler nephew for example. Like if I got on well with the guest which presumably she does as she invited them, I'd want to show them round and treat them to days out so they enjoyed their trip. Are you jealous that she's not taking your toddler on day trips and for meals out? As I wouldn't do this for my young nephew as I wouldn't feel the need, it's a totally different thing. This is confusing.

lunicorn · 25/06/2019 13:17

Have a lot less contact with this toxic person; no contact would be best.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 25/06/2019 13:32

But dh insists we visit her

Then this is a major issue. He can insist he visits her, and you neither can nor should interfere with his desire to have a relationship with his mother.

What he has absolutely no right to do is 'insist' that you visit her too. You are a grown adult, with full freedom to decide who you will and not spend time with. And if he won't compromise by visiting less often, then you are well within your rights to exercise your individual autonomy and withdraw your participation in these visits.

If there's ever to be any solution or compromise in this situation, OP, this is the issue that needs thrashing out first. It's impossible to tackle the issue of a difficult MiL if there's a FOG-engulfed DH standing in the way. But one thing's for sure: if MiL and DH are happy with the way things are then nothing will change - unless you do.

IsabellaLinton · 25/06/2019 13:39

Have a lot less contact with this toxic person; no contact would be best.

Are you always so quick to advise people to write off their husband’s family members who don’t behave as the wife feels they should? What about the DH in question, who may love and care for his mother despite her flaws?

NoSauce · 25/06/2019 13:41

Well DH can still go and visit his mother if he so wishes, the OP doesn’t have to if she really doesn’t want to.

SunniDay · 25/06/2019 19:40

Perhaps your MIL didn't want you to have children/ asked you how you will manage because she didn't want the obligations that often go with being a granny- didn't want to do child care etc. Perhaps she meant "how will you manage" (without any help - as I won't be giving any). Some grandparents think they have done their time in raising children and are not interested in looking after their grandchild.

Your relationship sounds very negative so it could just be self preservation - she knows you don't like her/wouldn't want her taking over so leaves you to it.

I wouldn't waste any energy on it. She is what she is and you are probably happier than if she did want to be involved as you don't like her and think she is controlling.

As suggested by a previous poster I don't think it would affect your child if they only see their gran now and then and nobody focuses on that. It might affect them if you tell them Granny can't be bothered with you... etc.

lunicorn · 26/06/2019 16:51

He can't insist you go: you're a grown up. If he forces it, he's bullying you.

lunicorn · 26/06/2019 16:53

Lol Isabella Linton. Go back and read the OP. If it's true, it's horrific.

Schnitzelvonkrumb · 26/06/2019 17:09

YANBU. My DF is always going on about his ndn grandchild but doesnt appear that involved or interested with his own (altho who knows, maybe he bigs up my kids to his ndn!) Also my Dsis goes on about how cute/interesting friends kids are but she has never been that interested in my kids who are obviously way cuter and more exciting 😉

Apolloanddaphne · 26/06/2019 17:20

Possibly she finds a young teen more fun and interesting than small children? My in laws always found their grandchildren more interesting when they were older and weren't very bothered about them as tots. It's just how they are.

Pollywollydolly · 26/06/2019 17:24

Would your ds enjoy going to town and to restaurants with her? Maybe she'll be keen to take him out and about when he is older and more self sufficient.

YouJustDoYou · 26/06/2019 17:27

My mil does this. Her own gc are an hour and a half away - She doesn't bother with them. But the relatives a 12 hour plane ride away in her genetic background country? Sees them far more every year than she has ever seen our kids, her own gc.

Flip

1 2 3