Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Who will care for kids if something happens to us both.

32 replies

Coopsmommy · 25/06/2019 07:13

I have decided to update my will after having 3Dr and final child. Discussed things with husband and all was fine until it came to who would look after children if we were to both die. My two older children are from my first marriage and DH has agreed that they would live with my sister and her husband however he does not want our DS to live with them. He is only 2 and both sets of parents are in their late 60s early 70s. I want all 3 to stay together and trust my sister not only to love them unconditionally but to keep our memories alive. DH however does not think they are responsible enough. He says it is my decision about my 2 oldest sons and that being 13 and 14 they would be fine with my sister but not our son together. He has suggested 2 couples neither of which I have an issue with as people but I barely know either of them and have only met on a few occasions. They really don't know anything about me bar my name and that I'm married to their friend. Plus neither have even met him. Husband thinks I'm being selfish and just want my own way and doesn't see why I have an issue. There is no one else either of us can think of so I don't know what to do. This is causing me major stress and upset.

OP posts:

YetAnotherThing · 25/06/2019 07:19

YANBU. The kids would be in trauma and keeping them together is the most basic move. You also need to discuss it with whoever you are suggesting. Your DH can’t just ‘land it’ on someone, especially a random friend. Your sis sounds like a better option. These things are tough.

VivienneHolt · 25/06/2019 07:21

It is absolutely nonsensical for your husband to suggest it should be friends that you barely know and who have never met your son. Your son would be absolutely traumatised by being separated from his siblings and made to live with strangers.

I don’t think a court would even agree to such stupidity - and they can step in when the nominated carers in a will aren’t deemed suitable.

I think you need to stand firm on this - ask your husband how he would justify breaking up the family and sending your son to live with people he doesn’t know. Really try and make him think it through. Because right now it just sounds like a bizarre power play which doesn’t take your son’s wellbeing into account at all.

VivienneHolt · 25/06/2019 07:23

And would either of these couples, who clearly aren’t close friends since they’ve barely even met you, be happy to accept responsibility for a child they’ve never met? I know I wouldn’t if asked under the same circumstances.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/06/2019 07:23

I would hate the idea of siblings being split up. Who are the people he is suggesting as guardians, are they friends or family? If he isn't happy with your sister, is there another option for someone who could take all the dc that you would both be happy with?

BoomZahramay · 25/06/2019 07:25

Does your DH propose asking these people first? Would they even want to look after your DC? Will you leave a ton of life insurance for his upbringing? No point naming guardians who will just say no.

What if they say yes but blood family protest because they want him? I believe social services usually seek to place children with family.

You can always redo your wills. If you sister is younger and not mature enough yet, what about in 5 years? Maybe you could name GPs now and then switch to your sister later?

Number12 · 25/06/2019 07:26

They must stay together, without a doubt.

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 25/06/2019 07:27

Does your sister have children of her own?

All I can think of is that hopefully she may do soon and your DH could see what good parents they are to their children.

It definitely sounds the logical choice. But if he has real concerns about this, then I can understand his reluctance to see his son looked after by someone irresponsible. (why is it OK for his step sons though?!?).

I guess if you put one thing in your will and he put another in his, both ideas would be taken into consideration by social services in the event of your deaths, and probably they'd go with your sister, but it's not exactly reassuring.

poshfrock · 25/06/2019 07:28

Surely your two older children would go and live with their father if you died? Why would he abdicate responsibility to your sister?

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 25/06/2019 07:28

So your DH would want your child to lose his parents, siblings, home, routine, probably school & friends and essentially everything he's ever known all in one go?

The kids need to be kept together.

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 25/06/2019 07:28

When your older son is 18 would you both consider asking him to be the guardian? Maybe then he would be able to make decisions e.g. Asking his aunt to look after his brother for him. Hmm that sounds problematic too.

Myfoolishboatisleaning · 25/06/2019 07:29

They would not want your children. Be blunt with your husband.

CherryPavlova · 25/06/2019 07:29

They should of course stay together if humanly possible.
Set up a group of trustees with control of finances and welfare of children to determine the best possible way of dealing with things in the unlikely event of a disaster.
It’s not as easy as saying just one couple because the circumstances might be different then.

EdtheBear · 25/06/2019 07:36

I'm with you much better for the children to stay together and be with family.

I assume they currently have regular contact with the grandparents would these friends be willing and able to facilitate the keeping that up, and the regular contact the children would need with each other.

Original poster

Coopsmommy · 25/06/2019 07:38

One is a close family friend and other just friend. We live far away from most family and friends due to having to move for work. He hasn't much family and my side are all spread out and have own families. DH doesn't agree with sisters life choices and thinks they aren't responsible. I don't always agree with how they do things but they are good people and played a big part in my oldest 2 lives. They have not spent as much time with my youngest as they now live in France but they have at least seen him a few times and we meet up atleast once a year and we keep in touch all the time. It's just so hard.

OP posts:

Widowodiw · 25/06/2019 07:44

your husbands a dick.
Sorry harsh words but having lost my husband and living and breathing my children’s grief daily the children can’t be split up.

Isatis · 25/06/2019 07:46

It would be insanity for your son to be looked after by friends who've never or rarely met either him or you, and I strongly suspect that if your husband asked them if they're willing to be named they'd say No. It would also be incredibly unkind to your son to separate him from his siblings and send him to live with strangers on his own at a time when he's lost his parents.

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 25/06/2019 08:55

Has your husband even thought how distressing it would be for your son to not only have lost his parents but then be taken away from his siblings to live with strangers. Your poor son would be traumatised and may never get over it.

I’m amazed someone that dim can actually get himself out of bed in the morning.

Original poster

Coopsmommy · 26/06/2019 02:38

The 2 oldest wouldn't and couldn't live with their biological dad

OP posts:

FenellaMaxwell · 26/06/2019 02:44

How responsible are your DSes? In those circumstances I think I would put your sister, with a caveat that responsibility passes to your DS1 on his attaining 25 or something?

Original poster

Coopsmommy · 26/06/2019 02:45

Thanks for everyone's thoughts I think the idea of trustees is great. Financially all the kids will be taken care of and I know if the worst were to happen my family and even husbands parents would do everything to keep them together and close. It's just such a hard thing to think about what would happen if you are suddenly not here.

OP posts:

dreichuplands · 26/06/2019 03:10

You couldn't split up your DC at the time that they would need each other most. Your DH needs to think a bit more sensibily about the emtional impact on the DC, particulary the youngest one of what he is suggesting.

EdtheBear · 26/06/2019 18:58

Is it something that you could discuss with the ILs?
In a kind of - we were talking about wills....who do you think we should ask to be guardians?

See what they think of them being separated it might be enough to make DH see sense.

Chloemol · 26/06/2019 19:29

Ask him how he would have felt if both his parents had died when he was say 6 and he was sent to live with people he had no idea about, had never met and without his siblings who he would not see again for a long time. That may make him understand what he is asking of his own child

regmover · 26/06/2019 19:34

I don't normally say this, but he needs to read this thread. It would be cruel to separate the 3 children if the worst happened. And if your youngest didn't want to go then it could end up very messy. Your older children would be some stability for the little one.

Your husband is being a completed idiot over this.

TriciaH87 · 26/06/2019 19:36

My eldest is from a previous relationship my partner knows the boys stay together no matter what. If we both go my mum has them or one of their uncles. I'd not able then partners mum. If I go first he will fight to keep them together. It would be traumatic enough to loose both parents but he wants to inflict the child with more pain by removing the child from his siblings and family. Tell him if it's good enough for the older ones it's good enough for him too so you suggest he doesn't die if he doesn't like it. This would concern me however that if I went first he would palm the older two on to your sister and only care for his biological child.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread