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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas...

45 replies

isaacsmumma · 24/06/2019 23:20

Going to be a long one, will try not to drop feed...

So, last year my child's dad said he was going to take me to court over having him on Christmas (he never did) things got a little nasty between us and we've managed to get back to a better place in terms of communication for our child.
Kind of want to nip that conversation in the bud this year and just get it out the way.
I live in Ipswich, and so does my ds dad however his dad's family are spread all over Wales and he wants to take him away to spend Christmas with his family. All of my family live in Ipswich. I don't like the idea of him being away from me on Christmas he's only 3 years old.
Fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable
My compromise was that he stays in Ipswich until he is old enough to make the decision that he would like to go stay with his dad's family at Christmas. In the meantime time we split Christmas day with him etc so one of us would have him Christmas Eve til Christmas midday then the other would take him from then til the end of boxing day... I thought this would be a fair solution so that my ds gets to see everyone over Christmas, his dad was not happy with this hence the court threatening. Please tell me what you think...

OP posts:
BackforGood · 24/06/2019 23:36

I'm not sure AIBU is the right place to ask this question. It is clearly going to be difficult for you, and AIBU can be blunt.

As you've asked, then I think YABU.
He is your lo's Dad and is just as entitled to have his wants / desires / family traditions taken into account as you are. I think if you don't live together, then it is reasonable to expect that every other year you get to spend Christmas with your dc and the alternate year, you don't. If both parents wanted to spend that time in the same town, it makes life easier, but one parents doesn't get to dictate what the other parent does in their time.

WhatsInAName19 · 24/06/2019 23:47

I don't think YABU. I would have hated to be packed off to my dad's at Christmas as a kid. Obviously it depends on the family in question, but I don't think it's outrageous to suggest that it's fair that a child should be able to spend Christmas day at the home where they live for 80%+ of the time with their primary carer. From the perspective of the primary carer, I can also fully understand that it would be a bitter pill to swallow to have to hand your child over for such a special day when you do almost all of the donkey work of parenting for the rest of the year.
If it's more of a 50/50 contact arrangement year round then I think sharing Christmases or taking turns would be more appropriate. Totally depends on the situation, and also on the child's wishes as they get older.

happyhillock · 24/06/2019 23:50

Me and my EXH used to have turns about at christmas, one year i would have our DD's christmas eve, christmas eve and boxing day, the following year he had them for the three day's, when it was his turn i alway's spoke to them christmas day, and told them to have a nice time, if course i missed them especially at that time of the year but my EX was entitled to see them at christmas just as DD's were entitled to see there dad, i would spend the christmas day that they were with there dad with parent's and sibling's

happyhillock · 24/06/2019 23:51

Meant to say christmas day.

HiJenny35 · 24/06/2019 23:52

I think you are being a bit unreasonable, it's not fair for you to get all the years while he believes in Santa and it is all so exciting and then dads family can have when he's a teenager if he wants. How would you feel if it was the other way round? Would he accept you having Christmas Eve and till Christmas Day night and then he had Christmas night and till New Year's Eve so he's got enough time to go to his family home.

Nearlythere1 · 24/06/2019 23:56

YANBU, he's only three! He needs to be in his primary home with his primary family about him. And by that I mean the family that see him regularly, his Ipswich relatives, rather than semi-strangers spread out over Wales.

Bagadverts · 25/06/2019 00:02

Depends on how close he is with his father. If your son often spends that number of days with his father then I think YABU.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 25/06/2019 00:08

The only part I think YABU is where you say until the child is old enough to decide- that’s not something he’s going to be able to decide for a very long time and it’s also an unfair decision to put to a child because you’re asking (in their eyes) to pick between mummy and daddy. Even though I am sure that’s not what you mean!

I have a similar arrangement to your proposal in place for my (much older) kids via a court order. We are not in the uk. It works because we are not too far geographically, and whilst your solution is very reasonable and fair, if my recollection of uk geography is correct your ex would find it difficult to balance seeing family etc plus travel in that time so if he did go to court, it might be seen alternating Christmas as the most fair option. Having said that, three is very young to be away from his primary home for a week, say.

You’ve made a fair suggestion, it’s now up to your ex if he wants to go to court. If he’s just a court ‘threatener’ (Like mine- I swear if I had money for every time he said ‘see you in court’ I’d be Scrooge mcduck by now) then just let it play out. If you do end up in court, then you’ve been reasonable and that will either be acceptable with maybe a tweak or two, or you’ll be asked to alternate.

Badcat666 · 25/06/2019 00:11

I think YABU.

As another poster has said, why do you get all the wonder years and your ex doesn't?

Also why should your child be forced to stop what they are doing half way through Christmas day and then have to go to another persons house just because you want it that way?

Do you know what happens? I will tell you. My brothers ex tried this donkeys years ago "they can go to yours at 2pm on Xmas day" tactic and all that happened was the kids got distressed with tears and tantrums because they didn't want to leave her house to go to his because it was "Christmas day".

It broke his heart. Luckily for him he went to court, got 50/50 and holidays were split down the middle and Christmas/ New Year were had by him one year and her the next. By the time they were all 16 they had moved out of their mums and living with him.

Christmas should be about the child, not how you want Christmas to be.

MooseBeTimeForSummer · 25/06/2019 00:12

At court I used to appear in, the judge said alternate Christmas unless strong religious reasons not to.

Ragwort · 25/06/2019 00:23

How much time does he spend with his dad now?

I think splitting Christmas Day is really hard for children, far better to have a lovely few days with his dad & various relatives and then have a separate celebration with you and your side of the family either before or after 25 December. Don’t let your DS grow up with memories of parents arguing over Christmas Day access.

BackforGood · 25/06/2019 00:23

My compromise was that he stays in Ipswich until he is old enough to make the decision that he would like to go stay with his dad's family at Christmas.

That's not a compromise, That is you trying to control the situation in your favour. How old do you think your dc will be when they are able to decide this, nt having ever experienced it before ??? Hmm

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 25/06/2019 00:35

How much time does he spend with his dad usually? If he's at home with you most of the time then i think you're just right to keep him at his home on Christmas Day to enjoy little traditions and so on as children do. Sounds like dad is more interested in what he wants than what would actually benefit his child.

Original poster
isaacsmumma · 25/06/2019 00:42

He sees his dad Monday evening through to wednesday afternoon every week but that is it he won't see him on any of the other days as he's always too busy etc... Probably should have mentioned me and him have never been together.
Everything that happens is always on his schedule it's been that way since I can remember like oh you can only work these days because that's when I'll have him I didn't have a say in the matter. It always constantly working around his dad and quite frankly it's starting to annoy me.

OP posts:
Original poster
isaacsmumma · 25/06/2019 00:43

I can't even tell my work what I can work at Christmas time because his job is more important than mine to him

OP posts:
Original poster
isaacsmumma · 25/06/2019 00:44

Should probably also point out I've never actually stopped him from seeing his dad ever.

OP posts:
hadthesnip2 · 25/06/2019 01:15

I with Moose on this one. I've done alternate xmas day / boxing day for my 3 DC's over the past 10 years (they were then 3, 5 & 6). Over that time I've taken them to see their grandparents & uncles in various towns in the SE of England.

You dont get to decide when your ex gets to see his son over xmas. Think of it as having a day off every other year.....then relax & enjoy the time you to spend with him. And dont try asking him who he wants to spend time with either.

Orangeballon · 25/06/2019 01:23

I think a three year old is better at home on Christmas Day with his mum.

TazzaRazza · 25/06/2019 03:21

The court will almost certainly order alternate christmases. His dad is his family too. Putting that kind of decision on a child is horrid and your head needs a wobble if you think that's ok.

Nearlythere1 · 25/06/2019 03:27

@hadthesnip actually she does get to decide when her ex sees her son at christmas, unless there's a court order stipulating otherwise.

Greyhound22 · 25/06/2019 03:30

I think you need to alternate Christmas to be honest. My DB and his ExW have done this since DN was about the same age. So we have always had two Christmas Days at my parent's house - Christmas Day and Boxing Day and we alternate depending on what year it is for DN. Has always worked well and he always got two nice days of presents and food.

Pinkmouse6 · 25/06/2019 06:38

YANBU.

I’ve always split Christmas down the middle with my ex, it’s the fairest way. I’d hate to be away from them at Christmas.

MyOpinionIsValid · 25/06/2019 06:45

In the meantime time we split Christmas day with him etc so one of us would have him Christmas Eve til Christmas midday then the other would take him from then til the end of boxing day.

So the poor child spends the latter part of xmas day cooped up in a car travelling?

Fair would be year about. The child has two families, two sets of heritage, and he shouldn't be denied the ability to spend holiday and celebrations with both.

VivienneHolt · 25/06/2019 06:46

I think that it would be fairer to alternate christmasses until your son is old enough to decide himself. While your suggestion of dividing the day in half seems like a fair split, you’re essentially suggesting your son’s father permanently miss Christmas with his family in order to see his son (unless you would be willing to travel to wales to facilitate him seeing both, which I assume isn’t the case). You’re also setting up a situation where your son is virtually guaranteed to never want to spend Christmas with his dad, because he will never have done so - so when he’s old enough to choose, it won’t really be a fair choice.

I would agree to alternating now, so one gets him from say lunchtime on Christmas Eve til lunchtime in Boxing Day each year about. I totally appreciate that it’s a horrible prospect not to have him at Christmas, but that’s true for your ex too. And there’s no reason why you can’t have a proper second Christmas with him on a different day when it’s not your year - it’s just arbitrary that Christmas is the 25th, there’s no reason why you can’t do the same traditions on the 28th.

hazell42 · 25/06/2019 06:48

I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable
You had Christmas your way last year, and you know it it Is his turn to have Christmas his way this time and he wants to take his child home

As hard as it is for you, you are going to have to suck it up. Just like he did last year.

And not only that, but you need to let your child believe that you are perfectly happy with the situation and it is going to be a lovely adventure for him to have a child's Christmas in Wales.