Christmas...

[isaacsmumma]

Going to be a long one, will try not to drop feed...

So, last year my child's dad said he was going to take me to court over having him on Christmas (he never did) things got a little nasty between us and we've managed to get back to a better place in terms of communication for our child.
Kind of want to nip that conversation in the bud this year and just get it out the way.
I live in Ipswich, and so does my ds dad however his dad's family are spread all over Wales and he wants to take him away to spend Christmas with his family. All of my family live in Ipswich. I don't like the idea of him being away from me on Christmas he's only 3 years old.
Fully prepared to be told I'm being unreasonable
My compromise was that he stays in Ipswich until he is old enough to make the decision that he would like to go stay with his dad's family at Christmas. In the meantime time we split Christmas day with him etc so one of us would have him Christmas Eve til Christmas midday then the other would take him from then til the end of boxing day... I thought this would be a fair solution so that my ds gets to see everyone over Christmas, his dad was not happy with this hence the court threatening. Please tell me what you think...

I also think that if your son’s dad is serious about going to court over this he would be very likely to get alternating christmasses, so it’s worth just sorting it out as amicably as you can now and saving yourself the stress and expense.

I think Christmas day is best spent with one parent or the other unless you live close enough so they arent spending ages in a car. Also means they'd have to stop whatever fun thing they were doing to go somewhere else. I think alternate Christmases sounds like the best option.

Ah sorry, just re-read that you both live in Ipswich. But I think his dad should be allowed to take him to Wales to see his family over Christmas, it's his contact time so should be able to have the freedom.

Alternate Christmases. And I am sure you wouldn't like his dad stipulating who you and ds could and couldn't see on your Christmases so it's not fair for you to do that to him.

How is the Monday-wednesday access going to work when little one is in school??

I'd also stipulate that whoever has Christmas has the same New Year too. With the time in between spent with the opposite parent.

Means your ds and his dad have Christmas on their own rather than option of family to visit.

It's hard and I would hate it. But yabu.

Does your son’s father have any family in Ipswich at all? It’s a long journey, but your son might be happier going to Wales and spending time with extended family (if he knows them, that is!) than he would just being in his dad’s house with his dad? I can see why you want him to be near, but I think it’s a bit unreasonable to expect them both to stay in Ipswich at Christmas if they haven’t got family nearby. That’s a very quiet Christmas, and not very nice for your ex partner if his son goes back to you after lunch.

If he has ds Monday evening to Wednesday afternoon why can't you just stick to that arrangement, even around holidays and Christmas?

YABU.

He should be able to spend Christmas with his dad as well as with you! Why do you get all the Christmas's when he's little and still believes?!

If his dad is an involved parent (It sounds like he is if he has him 3 days out of 7) then I think you should alternate Christmases.

Yabu.
Alternate Christmas its only fair

I know it’s totally crap, as I have been where you are and had to share Christmases, but for your son’s sake I agree with the other posters- alternate christmases are the only solution. It’s awful for you, but ultimately it’s one of those times you have to put your son first. Splitting the day between you really doesn’t work well and means DS would always spend Christmas Day in transit rather than having fun.

Infoundnitnincredibly difficult- DS’s first Christmas away from me was when he was 3, and I spent the entire time in tears, but I promise it gets more bearable in time.

Also, it made me look at Christmas differently and realise it’s a season, rather than just one day. There’s so much you can enjoy even if he’s not with you for the day itself- visits to Santa, seeing the lights, decorating the tree, baking, going for a walk to post Christmas cards, watching Xmas films. It’s all part of the magic, and enjoying all of that takes some of the pressure off the day itself.

I think splitting Christmas day up is not ideal tbh. If you are going to do it then xmas eve night, xmas day and then swap on boxing day might be better way.

If your ex wants to take DS away for the whole of Christmas, will he be happy for you to have DS the following Christmas and he doesn’t see him at all? Because if you’re taking turns that’s what would happen. I bet he won’t be happy with that idea and when it got to your turn he’d whinge about it. Totally agree that 3 is too young to spend Christmas without your mum anyway, it’s much better to split it so both parents see DS.

You need to take years about not split Christmas Day in the middle.

Sorry, I agree with the majority.
From a personal level, I would hate the idea that my child isn't with me at Christmas. I really, really would, so I genuinely feel for those of you who have to make these decisions.
From an unbiased POV, you shouldn't make a child have to pick between mum and dad, and in order to encourage good and healthy relationships with both parents, ideally both should be equally involved in the good, bad, exciting, sad and scary moments of a child's life.

It's especially unfair that you think your child should decide after you've spent years spoiling him at Christmas.

I'm 30, and I still think my family's Christmas is the 'right' Christmas, no way would I have opted for someone else's, even as a moody teen.

well by saying he can only have him for 24hrs, is syaing he can;t go to his family. Why would he travel 4-5 hours to Wales, rush round to see family, and then travel 4-5 hours back?

It's not really fair on your son to be stuck in a car for most of Christmas.

Alternate, one of you has him from Christmas Eve mid-morning to Boxing Day after lunch.

Then if Dad wants to take him to Wales, he can go up Christmas Eve, get there mid-afternoon/early evening, have a Christmas Eve, all Christmas Day seeing people and having a good day. The get up and leave mid morning on Boxing Day, to get home mid afternoon.

and if he doesn't want to take him up to Wales, maybe you can talk about alternating the midday-midday access, so one year Dad has him Christmas Eve midday-Christmas Day midday (before/after lunch), then you have him the next year.

My best friend's parents split up when she was 10, it was a bloody horrendous divorce but the one thing she says they got right was that they never made her choose where to have Christmas and they always managed to work it out so her time was spent equally and fairly.

I think that's something that you maybe need to hear. I know it's hard though.