Her gifts make me angry!

[0hMyDay5]

I know I must sound very ungrateful but my MIL's constant barrage of unwanted gifts is driving me mad.

She insists on buying clothes that SHE wants my 2 DC to wear, such as £1 t shirts from well known High St shops that we avoid for ethical reasons. It feels such a waste, when these clothes will never get used and end up in the charity shops (my kids have too many clothes than they realistically need already and from the best quality brands that we can afford).

She insists on buying the kind of toys my DH played with in the 80's; guns for my DS and dolls for my DD. She knows we don't approve of this, and it seems the more we try to drop hints the more she rebels. She fills them full of sugar, and E numbers and never feeds them vegetables.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want my children to grow up in some bubble, and I do accept that things were different in their day and some see it as a grandparent's job to 'spoil' the DGC. But it's got to the stage where if I say I don't like something, she turns up with it the following week. She acts very over the top, saying 'oh you don't have to thank me, you know I can't resist spoiling them' and 'you're so welcome, I just love buying them nice things'. Am I being unreasonable or is she being passive aggressive?

Maybe she thinks you're a bit mother earth and thinks your children aren't being treated

Don't be daft, @ballsdeep.

Oh let her carry on as people like me buy your cast offs at the charity shop and we love it 🤣

Sounds to me she gets off on dismissing your requests and directives regarding your children, and this is very much an issue about control. It would really piss me off, quite frankly. As you said, you're not trying to raise your children in a bubble, and occasional sweets aren't the end of the world, but her buying toys like guns that you don't approve of is absolutely not ok.

It is unacceptable to disregard your wishes when It comes to your children, and I'm wondering why your husband hasn't set her straight. Stop dropping "hints." Speak directly and limit contact if she refuses to listen.

Of course she isn't being passive aggressive she just doesn't agree with you get your dh to speak to her about it I also think you are enjoying the drama of your post but Im quite cynical.

Why am. I being daft?

I'm allowed my opinion and I thibk that her mil thinks she isn't treating her children by buying them the correct things.

The new clothes ending up at the charity shop is a bit of a waste of her money, but the flip side is it means that the charity shop has some new/nearly new items to sell, so they benefit, and the people who shop there benefit too.

I get what you are saying about the toys - if you really hate them, I’d squirrel them away until the kids forget, and then charity shop - same rationale applies. But if the toys are popular with the children, and your main objection is that they are gender stereotyped, I might relax a bit about them - for example, the dolls may be given to your dd, but both children can play with them, which could be a good thing.

I do also understand your antipathy to guns - we have three sons, and we didn’t buy toy guns for them. There was a bit of making guns out of Lego/sticks, and the plastic rod that held their toy kitchen together was always being hoicked out and brandished as a sword (such fun when I went to move it and the bloody thing fell apart - happy memories), but I do think there was less gunplay/war games than there might have been if we’d had toy guns - though I have absolutely no evidence to back that claim up.

Just say you hate the things you actually want.

Does your DD want to play with dolls?

I agree with cats start slagging off white company and jojomamanbebe

Just let both children play with the dolls
My grandson loves the dolls house his great grandfather made.
Guns...no, just hand them straight back to her.

how often do you leave your kids rounds there OP ?

Are you relying on her for childcare, given you say she doesn't feed them veg? If so, it'll be tricky to prevent her chucking stuff at them (try to remove fun gun/dolly, she knows this and of course she's doing it deliberately)

Your DH needs to have serious words with her. I couldn't stand the unethical clothing and deliberately going against my wishes re guns etc. She is ignoring your choices as their mum. Stop letting her.

Tell her you absolutely hate it when people insist on buying you decent bottles of wine and gift vouchers for the local spa.

My mother does this all the time, takes DD out and buys her what I consider junk from well known discount shops. Winds me right up but makes both her & DD happy and they spend nice times together sourcing said tat.
I suck it up and look forward to doing the same for my GC 😁

She fills them full of sugar, and E numbers and never feeds them vegetables

How often does this happen? Do you say anything?

This is a wind up, yes. You have picked every sterotypical issue wit MIL’s that appear on Mumsnet daily
YABU

Just accept them and immediately take them to the charity shop. Except the guns. Bin them with a vocal ‘guns are not toys’.

You’re probably right doodley. Another new poster with no posting history starting controversial threads.

YABU to think that the 'best quality brands' are more ethical than cheaper places.

I was like this with my mum and nan about my DD. Until today actually. I had a chat with my dad to try and talk him into having a word with my mum.

He explained it that when you have kids, you buy everything you can for them. As a grandparent, you want to treat your grandchild but you want to ease the burden on your child by helping them in a way that's not giving them money as they'll refuse it as "charity". He explained that he's not saying I'm poor or can't provide for my own but he knows how it is as a parent and wants to help me provide as well and that's how my mum sees it. So I may not buy her a costume from say the Disney store as I can buy it cheaper online or for an occasion so they do it to help me, not frustrate the ever loving crap out of me.

Same with the sweets and toys, they want to treat their GC and don't see it as anything bad. It comes from a place of love, not animosity to you

Maybe come at it from that angle with her.

nosauce maybe the OP just doesn't want to be recognized? Why do people always assume the worst when a new poster starts a thread? I name change constantly.

I think that’s it @ballsdeep - They think I’m a bit of a do-gooder and naturally I don’t want my children to be completely out of touch with reality or stand out from their peers, but I do struggle to go against my values and I resent being deliberately undermined.

Glad to hear it’s not just me and that sounds like a very helpful way to look at it. I suppose the gifts are not for me after all, they’re for my children. Just can’t help but feel they’re regularity is a bid to be controversial and give me a bit of a kick in the face. Could be my issues though.

@Grimbles I don’t assume - I do my research on brands generally when I can and as I can afford to use ethical brands, why not?