To want to hear some positive/'normal' adoption stories...

[hidinginthetoiletagain]

I am an adoptive Mum of 2 children who are 3 and a half and 16 months. At present they are typically developing, happy children, though of course I know that could change.

I find being a Mum of 2 pre-schoolers HARD, but what makes it 100 times more stressful is that I am constantly waiting for the wheels to fall off... Every 'adoption group' I go to is filled with horror stories and I feel like the other adopters I meet think I am just in denial about all the difficulties my child must have.

Anyway, what I think is that the anxiety of waiting for everything to go wrong is somewhat ruining my experience as a parent and probably not particularly good for my poor kids.

I understand that these groups (probably like many adoption message boards etc.) are not representative of reality as obviously people tend to go when they need support and to offload... But I don't know how to get a more balanced perspective, so I thought I might turn to Mumsnet!

Can anyone reassure me with tales of their own experiences of being adopted or as adoptive parents? I know it doesn't mean anything in terms of what might happen in the longer term with my individual children, but it might make me feel a bit less doom laden!

I don't mean everything was rainbows and wonderment of anything. Just, you know, everything was 'normal' with your typical ups and downs etc.

I feel so isolated as I know my experience is not the same as that of my friends who are birth parents, but it seems even more vastly different to that of other adoptive parents I meet.

Hi, I’m mum to two adopted daughters & i know exactly what you mean but don't worry, ours are 7 & 4 and only the normal sibling arguments & toddler tantrums to date. We do consider ourselves lucky & we realise there may be trouble ahead but we also know that may only be due to the normal teenage hormones kicking in rather than adoption trauma. Take each day as it comes & enjoy the good times 😊

Hi. Congratulations on your lovely family. I am an adoptive mother to three children who were aged 4 weeks, 12 months and 4 months when we adopted them. To give some context they are currently aged almost 30 DS, 24 DS and almost 22 DD, they are not related to each other and were all adopted separately.

I tried with adoption groups but found they were just looking for problems and really muddied the water. They were judgmental and over thought everything. I truly found I had more in common with other Mums at the school gates or at playgroups, any problems with the children were more related to their ages at the time and their personalities and talking to Mums with similar aged children clarified this for me.
Don't let your experience of infertility affect your confidence as a mother. EVERYONE's experience is different whether they give birth or not. Just enjoy your children.
As a totally unrelated side note our children have grown into lovely adults and we are about to become first time grandparents.

I'm 37 and was adopted 27 years ago next month. My parents are wonderful, flawed, lovely people and when I went to live with them they quite bluntly told me "we're you're Mum and Dad now. There'll be days you hate us, days we hate you, days we can barely be in the same room as one another. But you're ours, we're your family and family is forever. Nothing in the world you throw at us will change that".

For a 10 year old who'd grown up in foster care, listening to an adult tell me they were going to love me for the rest of my life it was like balm on a burn. I had dick moments where I screwed up, they had moments where they let me down. But, ultimately, I grew up just fine. They loved me to the ends of the earth, had the firmest boundaries and the biggest hearts and I honestly believe my most awful teenage moments would have happened regardless of the adoption simply because teenagers are asshats.

I have two DC of my own now, and they're incredible, happy, safe and loved DC. Because of my adoptive parents I've been able to give my own DC every bit of stability and consistency I lacked as a child. I'm close to them both and whilst we get on one another's nerves I'm sure, we're also a great family. Adoption isn't hearts and flowers. It isn't happy ever after. But it's not all hardship and it's not all terrible, just somewhere in the middle.

FudgeBrownie2019

That made me cry, beautifully put

Aw bless you OP, as an adopted child (lol I'm 47 now) I'd like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for adopting your children!

I had a lovely upbringing with my adoptive parents; yes there were challenges, but I never felt anything other than totally loved and I definitely was their child iykwim. Our family had the usual family dramas and my parents have both been dead for a long time now but I still feel as much love for them as I always had, and I know they felt the same about me.

Yes, I've had issues about my adoption, and I've posted on MN before about them. Doesn't take away from the fact that it was the best possible thing for me and my parents were brilliant! Flawed, human, but brilliant.

If you spend your life worrying about what might happen, you're not going to be able to enjoy the moment. Just crack on with being a mum.

Carry on, you're doing great!!!!!

Oh and crikey, parenting pre-schoolers is SO HARD and you have TWO of them!!!! Totally normal to feel a bit overwhelmed (understatement of the year).

Maybe go to fewer adoption groups (I'm sure you're very well aware of the issues adopted children have to deal with, and probably don't need any more education around them) and try some other playgroups etc? My children loved tumble tots / gym tots etc. I made some nice mum friends though those as well.

Might be a bit more relaxing for you - and therefore for your DC as well. Just a thought.

Happy to chat via PM if you like.

Thank you so much all of you. You have really helped me feel better after a fairly shitty morning... I can tell from your responses that you know exactly what I mean!

I actually hardly ever go to 'adoption groups' but have been feeling strangely guilty about it and thinking maybe my kids were missing out. I went to a coffee morning thing today and all my fears were realised. It made me feel like I was going mad and maybe I'm just in complete denial...

But, I am a paediatric healthcare professional myself and honestly feel like all that pathologising is not necessarily helpful...

Two of the loveliest families I know adopted, one at ages 3 and 5 and the other at 9. They are really well bonded no fuss kinda people. No family is perfect but they all come across as well rounded and happy. It’s not a personal experience but I’ve seen the kids grow over ten years and they’re just very plainly normal

I think you've won ' the adoption lottery ' in many ways. As in you've adopted children who were very young so a lot more able to adapt.

Your experiences will be very different compared to someone who adopted say a 6 and 9 year old. I'd knock the group on the head for now. But seek it out if you ever need to in the future.

I'm adopted and still feel SO grateful I was given a second chance at life. I was left outside a hospital and am so so so lucky I was found and eventually placed with my family.

My brother (also adopted, from different birth parents) and I once both burst out laughing in our room when we were meant to be asleep because we just could not believe our luck. I'll never forget it, my heart was bursting with love and I felt loved. Welling op and smiling now just thinking about that proper happy laugh

My parents have always been really open with us about us being adopted and I found that much more helpful than having it hidden. Mum used to say I had a tummy mummy and a mummy mummy.

They also explained that my tummy mummy carrying me for so long, giving birth to me alone and leaving me somewhere she felt I'd be safe was an act of love and very brave in her circumstances.

I felt this attitude probably stopped my abandonment issues being worse than they could have been so always tell people that when they're considering adoption.

On behalf of all children who get a second chance through adoption, you are WONDERFUL - thank you so much

*welling up

Ps I personally hated the adoption group family fun days as I felt it totally othered us and reinforced the misconception that adopted kids are less than / different.

I appreciate this is different for everyone though.

And something for school age - if we were bullied about being adopted and someone said "nobody wanted you" etc we would say "our parents literally chose us." It usually shut them up. Nowadays I'd add a hair flip. People can be dicks.

Last thing - on behalf of your kids, do pull people up on using the phrase "real parents" as it makes my blood boil!! I still get it now - "do you know your real parents", "yes as far as I'm concerned I've lived with them for xx years...".

Again thank you for being wonderful

Ah this is a lovely thread. I always think I'd like to adopt DC 3 (have one DS now), but always a bit wobbly about it. So nice to hear positive stories!

Our 4 adopted kids are now all over 28 years. No more issues than anyone else - in fact a lot less despite a horrific home background. So, stay strong.

FudgeBrownie2019 That’s so lovely .

I was adopted as a newborn and my sister was too four years after me. We’ve had our ups and downs but that’s every family ever. My parents have always supported me. They’re my fiercest champions and they’d crawl through broken glass to help me god love em. I would too, they’re the best people I could’ve ever found myself with and I’m so so lucky to have them.

To be perfectly honest I completely forget I’m adopted most of the time. We used to celebrate the anniversary of our adoptions sort of like a pared down Birthday. Wee pressie and a special tea.

@NotExactlyHappyToHelp

To be perfectly honest I completely forget I’m adopted most of the time.

Same here

Hi,

I have two adopted dds, came to us at 4 and 1.5 years and been with us 7 years. We have lots of ups and downs as most families have and are generally mindful that our girls value routine, having clear boundaries and knowing what's going to happen each day. We go on holidays abroad, the girls are both into two time consuming hobbies that we facilitate and they manage the stress of competitions with these hobbies as well as their team mates. They have successfully stayed overnight with family, friends and school trips.

I can't say we haven't had challenges, both girls had some therapeutic input to help us with attachment and anxiety from about 6 years old, but I feel we have been given this opportunity to really think about how we parent our children and not just rely on deferring to patterns from our own childhood. This to me has enabled us to build such positive connections with both girls and also to understand what they need and how to support them really effectively.

Nowadays the girls get a bit of extra one to one time at school but largely have no problems at school except I'd say minor issues with anxiety when things out of the ordinary happen such as end of term play days instead of regular lessons or school trips.

They both continue to have ongoing therapeutic support for anxiety and low self esteem. To be honest not because I think it causes major problems day to day but because I work in psychiatry and am a believer that you are better to get support at a younger age to prevent issues in adulthood. Also the funding is there and we are offered it each year so I think they are entitled to it and should have the best opportunities to grow emotionally strong as they can get. They also value having the one on one time with my DH and me this facilitates so I think it's worth it.

I think I went on two occasions to an adoption toddler group, they weren't for us. We found more organised activities were better (I found it quite awkward to be in regular toddler groups that would discuss birth stories and breast feeding!) so we did things like a music group and tumble tots group and something at the library where we were with others but I didn't have to make small talk with other parents!

Are you a member of National Association of Therapeutic Parents, they have a Facebook group for non members as well as members, they were great. My biggest issue was identifying when the behaviour we were getting was age related and when it was trauma related. I found this group really helpful.

If you ever want to pm me for a chat you are more than welcome.

I know quite a few.

2 families I know had one child and then couldn't have another, and both adopted baby girls. (they went through the process together)

The girls were both about 8 months at the time of adoption, and both came from long term foster placements where they were awaiting adoption. Both are now about 3 - 31/2 and are delightful. One of them I know really well, and she is a poppet, just lovely. She is a little slower to warm up in social situations, but then that might just be her personality.

Another is a couple in our church, adopted 2 kids, both as toddlers, some years apart (I think the younger one was 2) they weren't 100% easy, they had their moments, especially at the beginning, but then settled and blossomed. I last saw them when kids were teens, lovely family. (now moved away)

last one is a friend of a friends, adopted a toddler, lovely kid, no problems, family all delighted. Within a year they were told that birth mum was pregnant and offered the baby. They took baby home from hospital at a few days old, and both are smashing kids - just full of energy, and typical pre-schoolers!

Hi. We have adopted 3 full siblings (not at the same time and they all came to us when they were around 12 months old.) They are now 5,4 and 3 so I totally understand having your hands full with preschoolers!! I definitely feel that anytime anything goes wrong, it's probably analysed more than in they were birth children and often more weighting put on what are usually normal childhood behaviours. I have found a lot of people look for the root cause in the fact they are adopted. I am not saying they won't have a few issues as they grow up but I am pleased to say that they are all absolutely amazing children who are very happy and settled 'normal' children who have the 'normal' bumps in the road. I too don't think the horror stories we have heard will apply to us to the same extent. Hope that made sense!! Seeing as we are in a similar position, feel free to send me a message any time. Was so lovely to hear someone else that is having such a positive experience.

Adoptive mum here. I’m with the others who say ditch the groups and find other parents you have more in common with. My girls are in their thirties now, gave me some sleepless nights and grey hairs in the teenage years. Much the same as many teenagers! Lovely adults now, and mothers too. Enjoy your little ones

Hi OP. Lovely stories. Makes me well up. As an adoptive parent (I am a woman - must change my user name!), what I would like to say to you is just enjoy your children.

I feel at times that I didn't. That I wanted constant reassurance from professionals that everything was ok. He was only a 9 month old baby and we were doing fine. What hit home to me was that I took him to a physio appointment at 2 ish about his left arm that seemed to be a bit 'lazy'.

At the appointment, the physio asked which arm, I told her and she said - 'the one he's holding up a stool with?!' Errmm yes. That one.

What I'm trying to say I think is that I spent an awful lot of time worrying, looking for things that might be/could go wrong when really we should have just been enjoying ourselves before school started. I feel bad about that.

He is a lovely almost 15 year old now btw. Good luck to you. You'll know if anything needs to be addressed as with any child. I wish I had waited.

@FudgeBrownie2019 what a beautiful tribute to a pair of ordinary, totally decent pair.

Got an allergy in my eyes

Oops, don't know what happened to totally decent, extraordinary pair ...

Placemarking so I can tell you about my lovely (adopted) DD later.

I am the sibling of an adoptee. While he did have some minor possibly trauma-related issues (meltdowns) as a child, they were no worse than the ones my biological dd had (health problems).
He was always a lovely brother, and has since grown up into a very lovely man, loving husband, loving father, loving son- just a great human being all round.
I think where my parents got it right was not to trouble trouble, to deal with difficulties as they arose, but to let tomorrow be a new day. I learnt from that and tried to do the same with my dd.