To want to hear some positive/'normal' adoption stories...

[hidinginthetoiletagain]

I am an adoptive Mum of 2 children who are 3 and a half and 16 months. At present they are typically developing, happy children, though of course I know that could change.

I find being a Mum of 2 pre-schoolers HARD, but what makes it 100 times more stressful is that I am constantly waiting for the wheels to fall off... Every 'adoption group' I go to is filled with horror stories and I feel like the other adopters I meet think I am just in denial about all the difficulties my child must have.

Anyway, what I think is that the anxiety of waiting for everything to go wrong is somewhat ruining my experience as a parent and probably not particularly good for my poor kids.

I understand that these groups (probably like many adoption message boards etc.) are not representative of reality as obviously people tend to go when they need support and to offload... But I don't know how to get a more balanced perspective, so I thought I might turn to Mumsnet!

Can anyone reassure me with tales of their own experiences of being adopted or as adoptive parents? I know it doesn't mean anything in terms of what might happen in the longer term with my individual children, but it might make me feel a bit less doom laden!

I don't mean everything was rainbows and wonderment of anything. Just, you know, everything was 'normal' with your typical ups and downs etc.

I feel so isolated as I know my experience is not the same as that of my friends who are birth parents, but it seems even more vastly different to that of other adoptive parents I meet.

My good friend is nearly 40 she has had a wonderful life, her DM and Dad are amazing, her only issue was loneliness, when she was adopted the cut off age was 30 her DM couldn't adopt another.
She has never had any interest in finding her biological mother.
It is a worry with all children when you hear horror stories, I attend an ASD group I feel like I'm always on edge waiting in DS to show worse behaviours.
Kids make you worry.

I was adopted as a baby. I rarely even think about it: I had a perfectly OK childhood and am aperfectly OK adult.

We adopted our Dd.
She came to us at 6 months from foster care and the adoption was finalised at 14 months.
She's a teen now, and typical, moody, fun, and annoying. Doing well in school and on track to do well. Funnily she looks just like her older brother who is our biological child, she get comments about it all the time and she laughs it off.

Apologies OP but I've copied and posted this from a similar thread last year because I'm a bit tired (from work, not adopted children)

All positive here. 12 years ago. Easy approval for a sibling group, took 6 months. Found our boys at the same time as approval panel. Met our children aged 5,6 & 7 two months later and they moved in after 10 days! It all just fell into place and we have been extremely lucky.

They are now 3 tall, gorgeous young men of 18, 19 and 21. All working, happy and well attached. Barely a worry in all that time (which is why I rarely post on adoption matters, I have no experience of the trauma etc that lots of adoptive children/families go through). I say barely a worry, but actually, we did have problems with schooling. Eldest struggled a little emotionally but not enough for the junior school to mention it to us! We only found out when he was at grammar school in year 8. We simply removed him and home educated. We were already home educating middle son due to bullying so it was a no-brainer for us. Youngest decided to join his brothers a year later, because he could, and we spent the next 4 years just living our lives. I'm convinced HE was/is a major factor in attachment. Adopted children are emotionally younger due to the trauma they have experienced and removing the requirement for them to keep up with their peer group frees them to move at their own pace. Our boys have friends of all ages, but one in particular has only younger friends. He's still maturing and will get there eventually.

We are a normal family. Well, as normal as anyone else. Most friends know our boys are adopted but those that don't often comment how much like me or their dad they are. It makes us smile.

We were lucky. Our children had fantastic social workers, Long placement with the same foster carers.

All positive here

we are seven years into our adoption. I think one of the things I've learned is to enjoy the moment and don't look for trouble where it doesnt exist.
We have had some very tough times, have needed a couple of years therapy which was quite traumatic. But we have come through it. At 15 my son is a fairly average teenager. There will be challenges as he comes closer to adulthood but at the moment life is good.
He goes to mainstream school, has a great friendship group, is a scout, he cycles to school, has a paper round. He is currently off food and moping round like a wet lettuce because he is in agonies over asking a girl out! So all quite ordinary.
If you don't find the adoption groups helpful then don't go. But its useful to know where to get support if you need it in the future.

@fudgebrownie you really need a mascara warning at the start of your post, beautiful put. I work with many children who have been adopted and work to help them through their difficulties. I would love to be able to offer your parents words to their parents when they are struggling with what to say to their children if that's ok?

I have never really seen anything positive in adoption groups, what I have always seen without fail is parents speaking about really innapropriate things in front of their children. Children don’t need to know how hard it is, how upset you are that you can’t get an ADHD diagnosis for the medication etc.

My son is adopted, he is only four, he has exceeded all milestones (apart from late potty training) despite being hearing impaired and having a physical disability on top of being adopted.

Yes, it could all go wrong, but it could equally go wrong for a child being brought up by their birth family.

I would avoid the adoption groups, in my experience there are far too many people in them trying to blame anything but their own parenting for problems they are experiencing with their child/ren.

I have two adopted children. Both were adopted when they were 10 months and are now 11 and 13.

I would say that we haven't really had any more problems than an average family would have. It's just that the problems we've had relate directly to their adoption status and it's not always easy to get the right sort of support.

So DS was a lovely happy bright toddler , always quite advanced for his age. Quite hard work as toddlers tend to be. He has done brilliantly at school so far ( passed 11 plus and keeping up at grammar school) The problems are emotional ones. He gets very down ( depressed even) and upset and like many adopted children has very low self esteem. He's had various therapy and counselling courses. The teenage years have already made their mark and it's been very challenging at times.He's a good kid and never in trouble but he can be moody and rude at home. He also has some issues around food ( binge eating) which we have struggled with since he was about 5.

DD is an absolute dream. She was a drug addicted baby and has always seemed about a year behind her peers in terms of development . She has none of the insecurities that DS has and is a lovely sweet happy girl. She's amazing at drama and performing and a good gymnast.

The problems are due to the fact that she struggles academically (she has probably failed to meet the Y6 Sats standard) and it has been a constant battle to get any help from the school. Im not too worried though. Her personality will see her through and I've got her into a great secondary school that I think she will flourish at.

We really are just a normal family that has ups and downs like any other. I know many families who are suffering with much worse problems than we ever have.

I agree with Ted27 - don't over analyse it. Be aware of how trauma may show, and look for specialist support if you need it (which is much the same as any other parent).

One of my friends had a birth child with one of those genetic chances (chromosome deletion or substitution I think) and has a birth daughter with mental and physical disabilities - not inherited, normal pregnancy and birth. Her DD will never live independently and probably has a reduced life expectancy (but stats are irrelevant as only 50 or so other children in the world have been diagnosed with this specific condition).

I have 2 adoptive DDs who have been significantly affected by their early experiences, but who are amazing and funny and bright and are heading towards healthy, independent futures. They are biological half-sisters, and about as opposite as you can get in so many ways! One is academic, studious and keeps it all in, the other intuitive, creative, and everything is 'out there'.

Every child is different, every family is different. 'Success' for one child or family looks different from 'success' for another.

If your child needs adoption-specific support (which actually is usually support to deal with what happened pre-adoption) then go and look for it. If your child (like my friend's) needs physiotherapy and a one-to-one TA at school, go and look for it (in both cases, sadly, this often means having to fight for it).

If you are muddling along quite happily without needing additional support (whether with a birth or adopted child), then enjoy it.

Adopted children are emotionally younger due to the trauma they have experienced and removing the requirement for them to keep up with their peer group frees them to move at their own pace

Whilst I appreciate you're talking about your DC, these generalisations about adopted children frustrate me. My DD isn't "emotionally younger than her peers," she's mature and empathetic and perceptive - and has flourished first at nursery and, now aged 15, at secondary school.

Not all adopted children suffered trauma - my DD was in excellent, loving foster care until she came to us at 11 months. Her foster parents had shown her that it was ok to trust so she was very relaxed and confident about forming an attachment to DH and me and her new extended family.

I have never known a person (be they child or adult) who is more at home in their own skin than DD. She is resilient, optimistic, reflective, kind, loving and very, very funny.

We are so very lucky to have each other - I can't imagine life without her.

Oh, and we never went to adoption groups!

Definitely do what suits you - but don't bash the people who find the groups helpful.
Be grateful your kids don't face the challenges so many others do.
I don't do physically do many groups - but I find the online community a god send. There have been times I literally couldn't cope without them.

I think it's important to bear in mind that some DC have more problems than others, adopted or not. And that if a child who was adopted later has some or other type of difficulties (mental ill health, ASD, challenging behaviour or anything else) it isn't necessarily anything whatsoever to do with having been adopted.

Of course I would never critisize anyone for finding support in any form that works for them. I just knew there would also be lots of lovely, positive stories out there and that perhaps they are sometimes less likely to be heard. I just thought hearing some of those might help 're-balance' my mind a little.... And they have been truly lovely to hear .

I guess it must be like child birth, everyone knows it's going to hurt, and quite possibly be pretty grim, traumatic etc. it might help to talk about it, but surely no one wants to be pre-natal classes that only prepare you for all the awful things that can happen and describe none of the joy.

I'm a mum who was forced to have her child adopted. This was in the days when being an unmarried mother was a sin.

My child had a great adoption and is a beautiful well rounded man.

We found each other that's how I know.

I love to read happy adoption stories, love this thread and thank all of you who adopt children.

Also, bear in mind that there is a difference between adoptions of 30-40 + years ago, which were often due to stigma or the practical issues of bringing up children as a single parent, and today's adoptions which are primarily due to child protection reasons.

Today the focus is on giving birth parents every opportunity to parent their child(ren), which often means exposing those children to potential abuse or neglect in the meantime. It is rare for a newborn to go straight to foster care, then adopters. Of course, best case scenario is that those children get adequate care and stay with birth parents. But for those who then get removed after experiencing abuse or neglect, there can be long term consequences.

DH is adopted along with his sister (they are not biologically related). They've had their ups and downs. His parents were always open about them being adopted. DH says he was sometimes a dick to them especially as a teenager ("Why should I listen to you? Your not my real parents") which I guess you might need to be prepared for, but it's been mostly very positive.

Interestingly, in the last few years he's met his bio father (who it turns out is a bit of a dick) and we've had a baby and both of these things have made him really appreciate his parents a lot more and everything they did for him and his sister raising them.

I have 2 adopted children, 15 and 11. Boy and girl.
Our kids were foreign adoptions and we're in a lovely adoption group with other families who adopted from the same country.
We got to mainly social, family events and they're good fun.

My younger child has some issues arising from early childhood trauma but my older child is a very typical teenager.
We're just a normal family with much better looking kids than me and DH could have produced naturally.