To not let my daughter go?

[Gooseygoosey12345]

My DDs dad wants to take her to Spain in the summer holidays. Now I know that this is lovely, but I just don't trust him to look after her properly. He normally has her one night a week and she comes back and her hair isn't brushed, she's in the clothes she went in, I highly doubt she's brushing her teeth when she's there and they eat takeaway every time. He's also not the most responsible person with regards to keeping an eye on her. She's nearly 9. She should probably be responsible for brushing her own hair etc but I suspect dyspraxia so she struggles with things like this. Would I be unreasonable to say no? I don't want to take the opportunity away from her but I'm worried about letting her go. She absolutely adores her dad and he does try his best but he's more concerned with being fun than being responsible. She's also not a strong swimmer so I'd be worried about swimming pools/the sea.

It’s a tough one. If you think she would actually be in danger then I think you would be justified in saying no, but if it’s just that she will eat unhealthily and get grubby I would probably allow it on the basis that a week of it won’t do her harm and she will probably have a blast.

What sort of things do you mean when you say he isn't responsible with regards to keeping an eye on her?

Has she been injured while under his care?

suggest he takes her somewhere in the uk first to try it out.

I'm not too worried about her eating junk or being grubby, it's not going to harm her really. I'm more concerned about her being safe but I don't know if I'm just being overprotective.

Yes she has been hurt but not seriously, she did fall into a canal under his care which I was fuming about! I know accidents happen but surely it's common sense to keep an eye on your child around water? Nothing happened to her, he pulled her straight out but I'm worried that on holiday, when everyone is relaxed, will he think about her safety?

@BlackeyedGruesome good idea! I will suggest this

Do you really think he wouldn't watch her near water ? If so I don't think he is capable of keeping her safe if it is just clothes and hair just say she needs clean clothes daily and wave him off.

I think YABU. He has as much right to take her away as you do.

Write your daughter a checklist of things she should do each day: brush hair, brush teeth, put on clean clothes etc
Start implementing this at home now. This will help her start to become more independent in general but will mean she can take responsibility when with dad, without him even realising that you think he's useless

My DSD has fallen into a pond and a river (a small one running through a park) under the care of my DP. He is an excellent dad and pretty strict but kids do stupid things and despite him saying “come away” etc he proceeded to edge closer and slipped and well he had to go in after her!
Twice. He’s learnt his lesson that tweens do not like to listen and now has to be a lot more strict over things like that.
My point being that things like this do and can happen on anyone’s watch.
If you can’t have a serious conversation about your concerns around the swimming pool etc then you can say you’re not happy about it.
But really he’s her dad, if you were still together he’d be looking after her a lot more of the time alone and you’d have to trust him.
Unless you can actually put forward safeguard concerns I don’t think you’d have any real reason to stop him applying to take her.

They have swimming pools in the UK too

I agree with newmum if she goes give her a list to work off it isn't letting her dad off the hook it is giving her some responsibility for herself. I have a grown up child with dyspraxia she loves a list it keeps them in a routine.

Obviously there are swimming pools in the UK ffs. Maybe if he'd ever taken her to one I might feel more comfortable.
I get that if we were together he'd be looking after her a lot more but I think he's also have more of a clue of how to look after her properly. We split up when she was very young and he's had no help from his parents so I guess he hadn't had parenting modelled to him and when you're only doing it once a week it's not like you have to think of these things. I'm not bashing him, he does try his best, he's just not a very sensible person generally.
I've tried getting DD to brush her hair but she really struggles. Obviously she brushes her teeth here morning and night but she does need to be reminded occasionally and I don't know if he does remind her.
I'm also not saying he doesn't have a right to take her, of course he does, but this isn't about his rights, this is about her safety which is paramount.

To be honest I'd feel exactly the same as you do if my OH decided by to take our DC (8&9) away ( if I was busy and couldn't go).
I really would spend the entire time in a state of anxiety. Tell him your worries and ask if he could build up to maybe taking her next year by taking her on a shorter trip in this country this year and seeing how it goes.
My OH is a great dad he just doesn't supervise them very well imo although no he doesn't seem to realise

@newmomof1 & @Mrsjayy we've done the lists, it definitely does help, it's more the physical side of actually brushing her hair that's the problem. I'd love her to do it herself all the time, I'm seriously considering encouraging her to have it cut short so she can manage

Have you asked him how he thinks he will cope for a week considering he has never actually looked after her for a week.

@BlueMerchant this is exactly my thing, he's great, she adores him, but he really is fun dad, any responsibility is mine which is fine, but I'd be terrified and it's not like I can drive there if anything happened. I'm not generally anxious so I don't think I'm being unreasonable, but then I just want to keep her safe so I suppose I wouldn't think that. I'm not a helicopter parent or anything, she's allowed to "take risks" if you like but supervised and not excessive

@Mrsjayy no I haven't, I probably should! I'm not even sure she'd want to be away for a week saying that! I can imagine this ending in an argument which I don't want to happen but I can't just go along with it and not voice my concerns at least

I could right a book about bloody hairbrushing maybe getting it thinned out and cut before she went would help and a tangle teaser brush.

@Mrsjayy I feel your pain! Yeah I think I need to do that anyway, it's so long and thick and I suppose it's unmanageable for her

Would be just the two of them or is anyone else going that you'd trust more?

He's also not the most responsible person with regards to keeping an eye on her.

She's also not a strong swimmer so I'd be worried about swimming pools/the sea.

No way.

Hair and teeth and takeaways are no matter, not more important than a good relationship with Dad. But safety? No compromise on that at 9, I'm afraid.

I agree that you should suggest he has her for a week in the UK if he's never had her that long, instead. And not around water.

if he has parental responsibility he has a legal right to do this upto 28 days
you can't veto it so I suggest you talk more why doesn't he try a whole weekend friday after school till monday morning

I understand why you're worried but they aren't any less or more likely to have an accident in Spain rather than in the UK. So if you'd let them holiday in the UK together, there's no logical reason to object to the Spain trip. Yy you're closer if they are in the UK but that doesn't actually impact on how responsible he'll be.
I have friends whose DDs struggle with their hair when they're away. They opt for a tight style eg a plait and just let them keep it in the entire time they're away. Yy it's much messier by the end but it means it's not getting tangled and knotted for the days it stays in.

I know its hard but you need to let go. Yes teach her some things yourself and remind him but accidents can happen anywhere

I’d probably say that this year she can’t go but maybe next year? Then concentrate on getting her swimming more/better.

Who’s going, just DD and him?

I can understand why you are worried. The only dealbreaker thing here for me would be the safety around water. Could you improve your dd's swimming before she goes, perhaps an intensive one week course or just a lot of practice? Then bang on and on about it to him as your number one priority.

Hair, clothes, not ideal but if bad for a week, no great harm done. Swimming is potentially dangerous, so I'd focus on that.