To want a thread appreciating decent step parents

[GreenJar]

Because it's a really tough job sometimes?

I am a parent, step mother and step daughter myself.

It is not always easy to love other people's children, to get on with ex wives/husband's or to sit on the side whilst your spouse parents with someone else, to know when to stay out and when to get involved, to be fair and respectful, kind and welcoming whilst still having a say in your home.

There are days when it isn't easy to be and do the above, when the children are testing or I don't agree with DH or his ex etc... but I do it and thankfully have a really lovely little relationship with the kids because of it.

My step father is also brilliant. My Dad was not absent in any way and I'm close to him beyond measure but I really believe my life has been genuinely more positive by also having my step father in it.

Guess I just wanted to spread a little appreciation to those of you who, like me (if I do say so myself), are doing damn well at what can sometimes be a thankless, uneasy, difficult but often lovely job!

My step mum came into my life when I was 11 and has been a mum to me (as well as a treasured friend) ever since. We went to live with her and my Dad shortly after they got engaged so it was incredibly full on, but she was patient, kind and generous with her time and emotions.

It's been 31 years since we met now and I see them both every week and miss them (especially her!) whenever they go on holiday. I'm closer to her than almost anyone and we share most of our lives (though we don't live in each other's pockets!) She's the person I'd call if I won the lottery or if my dog died.

Family isn't always the one you're born into. Glad your experience has been as good, OP!

That's lovely to hear Quizzly.

I often worry that as the children get older, they may drift away from me given that I'm not a 'parent'. It's nice to know that doesn't always happen and you can remain close as they grow!

I must admit, it does make me nervous for the teenage years (which we will be just starting to enter soon!)

I became a stepmother when his kids were mid 30s. I don't consider myself one....I certainly never refer to them as my stepdcs.
They prefer me to their mother 😀

My DD's step-mum is absolutely wonderful. My daughter is lucky to have her in her life. Quite often if ex-H is going to be away, DD will still ask if she can have the contact and have a "girly night" with step-mum.

As far as I'm concerned DD has three loving parents - she's a lucky girl!

That's lovely JacquesHammer! and really great that you support and encourage it too as her mum!

My step father came into my life when I was 11. He was patient, loving and accepting of everything that came with children whose biological father is an alcoholic who doesn't care. I'm 30 this year and so he has been part of my life for nearly 20 years and I count myself lucky that I have had the opportunity to be counted as one of his children. I love him so much and have so much respect for step parents because of him. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Nice thread :) makes a change from the usual you see on here about step parents.

I admire the ones who really do try. I've seen some get a really shit deal despite being lovely people who just happen to want to be with someone who has children.

I totally agree, it is without a doubt a hard position to be in. I have great respect for many SMS and SDs who battle through it all and try to make the best of it.

I do have an issue with any parent or SP who make decisions thinking of themselves without much care for the impact on the children and then resent the children but not being good well behaved grateful kids. Like those who move in together only months if not weeks after meeting up, move miles away from the kids, to a place that is too small for all children to feel at home, add within months one or more children into the equation and then moan how badly behave the step children are seeming incapable to respect how emotionally damaging all this upheaval must have been on them.

I have a wonderful step father who is now a wonderful step grandfather. He put up with all the shite my Dad spouted for years and remained impartial and supportive. As an adult I can appreciate just how hard that must have been at times. He’s amazing.

I wouldn't refer to myself as DSD's 'step-mother' but I love her like my own and everything I strive to do is in her best interests.

I love to see her grow and flourish, she's fantastic and I will endeavour to make sure our home is a happy, healthy, loving and comfortable one for her. It's hard at times and a pretty thankless job but she's part of our family, which I don't class as "step" or "half" we're just a family and she's lucky to have two.

It hasn't always been easy and I think step parenting is something a lot of people would ever understand. It's hard watching my partner have a bond with another woman for life but it's something I've learnt to accept and get over.

I love/loved both of my step parents.

My DF died when I was 25 but I still saw as much of my DStepM and DC as I had done when he was alive.

I met my stepson when I was 21 and he was 2...we are now 28 and 9. I adore him.

Our relationship has been tested a lot the past year (I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD and I haven't always been pleasant to be around). I begged my GP for help not because I was suffering but because I was scared I might do irreparable damage to my relationship with DSS. Luckily things are getting back on track and I thank my lucky stars every day that he has been so forgiving when he really has not had to be (and I've made it clear to him that some of my behaviour has been inexcusable).

He is the most loving, caring, thoughtful child I have ever known. And to top it all off, I am lucky enough for my son to have him as his big brother.

I was lucky enough to have a really lovely step mum growing up. I was really sad when my dad and her split up many years later. She was a lovely lady. Sadly she died a few years ago and I still miss her

I'm blessed to have the most wonderful step dad in the world. He's been with mum since I was about 19/20 so I didn't need a dad but he's always been kind loving and helpful. Supported me and is an amazing grandpa to my lovely boys. Sadly my dad died a few years ago so I'm lucky to still have such a wonderful father figure in my life after I lost mine.

My DH is stepdad to my DS1 and I guess I'm biased maybe but he's a fantastic step dad. My Ds adores him and always gives hims special father's day cards and presents telling him how much he loves him and is glad he's in our lives which I love.

My step mother is amazing. When she met my Dad, I was an awkward angry 17 year old who was NC with my mother (and still am, decades later). She is incredible. My DC adore her. We’ve butted heads over the years but nothing major. I spoil her as often as I can, and we talk regularly despite living at opposite ends of the country now.

I have a wonderful step dad.
He came into my life when I was 2, and although my mum split from him when I was 16, he is still a part of my life.
We don't live close to each other any more but we talk on the phone regularly and I see him when I can. He came to my wedding and played an important role.
My dad is a nasty man and I've gone NC as an adult but my step dad made me feel like a normal family. We shared a lot of common interests and I have so many fond memories of him. He is very supportive and kind and he calls me his daughter.

I took this on board when I met my dh. He had full custody of his two children, my dsd was a troubled little thing and my dss has complex LD and is pretty challenging.
I have always put my two step children first and have spent 4 years building a strong relationship with them both.
My dsd in particular. She's had a tough old life and I do my best to support her relationship with her mum, to promote her needs and put her first where her brother has taken up a big chunk of everyone else's time and mental well being.
I love them both very much and I really hope one day that they will think of me in the same way as I feel about my step dad.
I know 4 years is a short time but my dsd has gone from an angry and neglected little girl into a gloriously beautiful teenager. My dss is growing more challenging and things can be very difficult but I fight hard with social services and the local authority to get his needs met and I hope things will get better. Fingers crossed for the future.
I've always worked in a team with my dh, I follow his lead and I support him. I always triple think myself so i don't overstep or undermine. I hope I'm doing a good job but it's hard to know when they are not your children. It's all worth it though.

It hasn't always been easy and I think step parenting is something a lot of people would ever understand

Agree totally with this.

One of my biggest hates is people saying 'you knew what you were getting into'.

Don't get me wrong, they are fantastic and I love the relationship we have but my God I did not know what I was getting into when I met my DH. Not at all.

The reality of being with a man or woman long term who has children from another relationship is very different to what those who aren't, imagine it to be I believe. Lines can get blurred and I think it's a real balancing act to get it all right, there is no one size fits all advice either. One family might have a difficult ex involved, one might have difficult children or a DH, others might not have any drama at all etc...

I've found it can be so so much more complex than I thought. I like to think I'm doing okay though I'm sure I do things wrong from time to time too!

My stepmum is probably the sanest and least self-interested parent I have. I am still closer to my mum because she's my mum, but my stepmum is awesome. Never tried to be anything she wasn't, but was always there and interested in us and supported us and I know I can count on her being family forever, even though she's no longer with my dad. TBH it's only since being on MN I have seen how lucky I am to have her and how truly strange some stepparents can get.

My DH is a great dad to DS1 and DS2 even though he is only bio dad to DS2. I'd never consider him anything but dad to both of them. He encourages them and makes them laugh and feel special, he's a brilliant role model I'd be proud for either of them to become like and he makes my life a million times easier. We want him to adopt DS1 as his own bio dad is a waste of space but it's a bit complicated legally.

I agree it's really unempathetic to say "You knew what you were getting into" - I can't imagine how anybody would really know, especially if they don't have DC themselves when getting together with their partner. You can't imagine what it's like to have your own children before you do it, let alone the vastly more complicated situation of blending families. That said I do think some people probably make better stepparents than others.

We’ve got a right blended family and I love them all as my own as does oh, I think he forgets there are other parents involved half the time. My son’s step mum is ace, and a good friend of mine. My other son’s bio mum is meh, she’s not a good parent but we take it in stride. I took him in when he was 4 and although he doesn’t always appreciate that my rules are there to keep him safe and away from harm but he might do eventually, if not never mind at least I know I’ve always done my best by him!

My stepmum came into my life when I was 8, I was a horrible brat to her, and moved to live with my Dm when I was 11. She forgave me everything and has been an awesome mum to me when I needed her. She's embraced my dc, and my dgc now, and they love her to pieces too.She's never been a 'step' anything to them, btw, always Nanny.

My DM died a few years ago and I've appreciated DSM more and more since, she's been there through everything.

I hate the phrase 'you knew what you were getting into'
No you don't. Especially if like me you don't have children of your own. Plus circumstances change and things happen and you have to roll with it.
Did I think when I moved in that my dh ex would make such a massive mess of things and I'd be left to pick up the pieces? No. But I did and perhaps if I had known at the beginning I would have run away as fast as I could.
But I haven't and I love my strange little family a lot.

My ds's step mum is great She always does things with him and makes sure him. And his dad have quality time together and I appreciate that. We haven't always seen eye to eye on how things should be done regarding ds however what they do there is their choice and ds is well looked after.

I am a step mum ( well we get married soon) to dsd and she is amazing. I give her so much time and dedication. I makes sure she has lovely things ( dp pays he's just useless at choosing) I treat her the same as my dcs
I take her to her clubs when dp gets called to work, and all sorts. Yet her mum hates me. I don't know why.. Maybe a bitter break up then him finding someone and being happy who knows. I juts hope one day she realises that her dd is treated like my dcs and will always be part of the family

I'm a step mum and now step nana and very proud of both relationships. Yes it's a difficult role and should be celebrated more .

Lovely thread. My stepdad is amazing. I’m lucky to have him as are my children to whom he is definitely Grandad. You would never know we weren’t blood relatives.

My exH has a GF who isn’t stepMum to my DC yet but whom they spend EOW with. She absolutely prioritises her own children, as does he but neither of them seem to realise it she was the OW though, and also a friend of mine (not any more lol) And that messed things up far more than it should have which is very sad.

I am dating but have purposefully avoided men with children so they only have to experience step parenting once 🤞

I've been step mum to my stepson 40 years now and see him twice a week still when he picks up his son , his grandad looks after him twice a week after nursery. I have a good relationship with his mum still as mutual grandparents. So these relationships can definitely last !