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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset about not being invited

46 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 23/06/2019 20:48

So, I have two really good friends who have all known each other for about 25 years. Let’s call them Brenda and Sheila. We have been through all the usual life stuff together - holidays, boyfriends, meeting husbands, hen parties, getting married, being bridesmaids for each other, having kids etc. We are all now late 40’s.

We all try and meet up a few times a year, but I live a bit further away now (about 2 hours) while Brenda and Sheila only live about 40 mins from each other. Understandably those 2 meet up a bit more often, and while I do feel a pang of jealousy sometimes when I see them posting photos of a lunch or evening out together, I accept that it’s not possible for me to join them due to the travel distance. Also I have a younger family than they do and work full time, so again I accept that it is difficult to fit the time in.

Anyway, I have just discovered (via FB) that Brenda’s DH is having a ‘big’ birthday party next weekend, and Sheila is clearly going. It’s the first I have heard of it, so clearly not invited. I feel quite hurt to be honest. I know it’s her DH’s party, but I know her DH really well - known him since they first met and have spent a lot of time with them as a couple (they even got engaged at one of my parties!!).

I’m really quite sad. Can’t really use the distance excuse, as it’s on a Saturday and DH and I would have happily travelled down and booked somewhere to stay. AIBU to be upset by this? When we meet up we always have a great time, so I can’t think of any reason why I wouldn’t have been invited.

OP posts:
MeSoTooSo · 23/06/2019 20:50

I'd feel upset too.

The kindest thing I can think is that they just assumed you would be busy and not able to make it?

Waveysnail · 23/06/2019 20:53

How much younger are your children than theres? Mine are all school age and tbh I'm not fussed on babies and toddlers

feathermucker · 23/06/2019 20:55

I'd probay ask, but that's just me.

I can understand why you're hurt.

Drum2018 · 23/06/2019 20:56

Any chance your invite could have gone astray in the post? I'd be upset too. Do you speak to her regularly?

AryaStarkWolf · 23/06/2019 21:12

Yeah I'd be hurt by that too, I think id ask about it

Sparklesocks · 23/06/2019 21:17

I feel like no matter how old we get this sort of thing is just as hurtful as it would’ve been when we were teens, it instantly takes us back to our child self!
I would definitely ask or mention it too, sounds like you’re close enough that you should be able to talk about it.

Dippypippy1980 · 23/06/2019 21:22

You are not unreasonable to feel hurt.

My friend had a baby shower last year in a fancy hotel and I only found out afterwards. I was hurt and embarrassed. I too live a bit further away but I always make an effort and travel to most things - even though my friends never come to me.

codemonkey · 23/06/2019 21:28

So you text or WhatsApp bit whatever:

'Hi Brenda. I see on FB that you're having a big party for X on Y date. Where's my invitation?? We'd love to come!'.

Don't feel worried or hurt just yet. See what she responds with.

PirateWeasel · 23/06/2019 21:31

I read a lot of posts like this one on MN so it happens more than you'd think. That doesn't make it ok, but you are not alone. Some people are just staggeringly awful at empathy - other people's feelings just don't occur to them. All you can do is brush it off and maybe downgrade them to acquaintances rather than friends.

Candymay · 23/06/2019 21:42

Because this will affect your friendship anyway I think you may as well ask. Just maybe say you were wondering why you were not invited. I’d be terribly hurt too.

Freddiefox · 23/06/2019 21:45

Oh op I hear you, something very similar happened to me recently. I feel very sad and quite confused over why I isn’t get an invite.

I was going to ask why she hadn’t invited me but felt that really there isn’t an excuse that I would be ok with so I didn’t bother.

Just trying to forget about it, but feel the lack of invite speaks volumes

FarTooMuchWashing · 23/06/2019 21:59
Flowers I think you have to ask or the friendship is pretty much over. It’s a real bummer OP. Yesterday I found out that I was an afterthought to someone I thought was a good friend. I had a cry and a cuddle with DH and now where I stand (which is always a good thing).
Charley50 · 24/06/2019 05:55

I'd feel really hurt too. I think 'd message what Codemonkey wrote, 'Hi Brenda. I see on FB that you're having a big party for X on Y date. Where's my invitation?? We'd love to come!'.
and see how she responds.

Or, 'feeling a bit gutted that we weren't invited to big party. Is there something wrong that you haven't told me?'

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 24/06/2019 05:56

Just ask. If you've been friends for ages then you should be able to share your hurt with them.

MRex · 24/06/2019 06:04

Sometimes I don't invite everyone because there isn't room to and because I assume people further away will be trickier (they might feel obliged to come when it's difficult, should really offer them a bed for the night, would have to let them bring their kids etc). If you're so close then I think you should just ask e.g.
"I saw on Facebook that you're having a party for your DH. I completely understand if you don't have space for extras, but in case you do DH and I would love to come for a kid break and we'd stay overnight in a hotel. If you don't have room at the party then let's organise a different weekend to meet up for some drinks, let me know."

MRex · 24/06/2019 06:06

I think it's better to keep it non-confrontational; if you ask why you weren't invited you're creating an issue that might not exist.

MyOpinionIsValid · 24/06/2019 06:07

The DH is having a party, presumably unless it is surprise the DH gets to pick his own invitees?

Is it house party? I'd just turn up !

LorelaiRoryEmily · 24/06/2019 06:08

I had something similar happen to me a couple of years ago. Some of the people invited were completely random, huge party for(and organised by) someone I’ve known for 21 years.
I sent a message that said “Hey, not looking to fall out but I wanted to let you know that I’m so hurt not to have been invited to the party. I really am so upset over it.”

He replied “I’d darling, you know I’d never do that intentionally, all the invites were sent by text and I must have the wrong number for you”

I replied “Fair enough. Oh by the way fab invitations x and x had to show me. They must have printed their ownHmm”

It’s 3 years ago and I’m still hurt. It changed our “friendship” forever.

llangennith · 24/06/2019 06:08

I'd be hurt too. Could you mention it to your other friend to see why you weren't invited?

stayathomer · 24/06/2019 06:18

I'd say just ring ( don't text or this could go on forever!) And chat and mention you saw it but I wouldn't ask, it'll just end up being uncomfortable. Like others, bring the one who lives away from everyone else, I know how it feels and it sucks Flowers

KatherineJaneway · 24/06/2019 06:22

It's best to call and ask. It might be that it is a numbers issue and, as you are further away and travelling is more difficult, they excluded you on this occasion. You need to know or it will damage your friendship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/06/2019 06:23

MRex
That’s a very good message.

I’d do this. No drama or upset. This forces her to react in some way even if it is to ignore your message.

DorisDay88 · 24/06/2019 08:13

I went through something similar with a really close friend about 40 years ago - I was a student and she was a student nurse in London, miles away from where I was living. I'd saved to get the bus to go to her 21st birthday party, buy present, outfit etc, really excited to go - she was fine when I got there but two of her flat mates were really cold and unwelcoming- absolutely no idea why as I can get on with most people, never happened before or since.
Party started, friend completely disappeared within 30 mins - found out later she'd arranged to meet this bloke she'd just met and went off into the night with him, returned about 5am
Oh how I tried to chat to her flat mates as I knew absolutely no one but they were having none of it and basically told me to piss off and enjoy the party 🙄
Long story short things were really awkward the next day, so I got the earlier bus back home
We kept in touch, she was my bridesmaid, me hers but things were never ever the same.
So OP and apologies if I've butted into your story, you must ask your friend why you weren't invited- I deeply deeply regret to this day I've never had the conversation with my friend - if social media was around then I would have but face to face I just couldn't as I didn't want my hurt to show.
If you don't it's going to nag and nag at you, as it stupidly does at me even now - ridiculous I know!

HiJenny35 · 24/06/2019 08:22

Oh don't ring, they haven't invited you, a phone call out of the blue will make them feel awkward so they may invite you but do you want a pity invite? Relationships change, sadly the other two have grown closer and their relationship moved on. It's sad, and appropriate you feel gutted, but I think you just have to accept that and put your efforts into making new connections.

Starfish85 · 24/06/2019 08:46

Yanbu, however I don't think it's a friendship ender. You have a long and close friendship, that's worth an awkward conversation to avoid resentment. It could be something very straightforward like that they have a lot of close joint friends so have decided to only invite her DHs close friends as it's his birthday. Equally, if your friend and her DH who live closer are invited it could just be because they see them more so the DH's are now friends in their own right.

It wouldn't stop you feeling like you've missed out but would hopefully reassure you that your friendship with your friend hasn't deteriorated, but that your DH not being in her DH's inner circle is an understandable result of you moving away.