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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset about not being invited

46 replies

itsgoodtobehome · 23/06/2019 20:48

So, I have two really good friends who have all known each other for about 25 years. Let’s call them Brenda and Sheila. We have been through all the usual life stuff together - holidays, boyfriends, meeting husbands, hen parties, getting married, being bridesmaids for each other, having kids etc. We are all now late 40’s.

We all try and meet up a few times a year, but I live a bit further away now (about 2 hours) while Brenda and Sheila only live about 40 mins from each other. Understandably those 2 meet up a bit more often, and while I do feel a pang of jealousy sometimes when I see them posting photos of a lunch or evening out together, I accept that it’s not possible for me to join them due to the travel distance. Also I have a younger family than they do and work full time, so again I accept that it is difficult to fit the time in.

Anyway, I have just discovered (via FB) that Brenda’s DH is having a ‘big’ birthday party next weekend, and Sheila is clearly going. It’s the first I have heard of it, so clearly not invited. I feel quite hurt to be honest. I know it’s her DH’s party, but I know her DH really well - known him since they first met and have spent a lot of time with them as a couple (they even got engaged at one of my parties!!).

I’m really quite sad. Can’t really use the distance excuse, as it’s on a Saturday and DH and I would have happily travelled down and booked somewhere to stay. AIBU to be upset by this? When we meet up we always have a great time, so I can’t think of any reason why I wouldn’t have been invited.

OP posts:

notacooldad · 24/06/2019 08:56

I prefer this Any chance your invite could have gone astray in the post? I'd be upset too. Do you speak to her regularly? to I saw on Facebook that you're having a party for your DH. I completely understand if you don't have space for extras, but in case you do DH and I would love to come for a kid break and we'd stay overnight in a hotel. If you don't have room at the party then let's organise a different weekend to meet up for some drinks, let me know."
You know you e been excluded by your friends and the first post confronts it but isnt aggressive. The second one may feel they have an obligation to invite you and that you have muscled your way in. I wouldn't want to be anyones after thought to be honest.
However you will know what wording is going to be best.
I can see how it hurts though.

sackrifice · 24/06/2019 08:57

It's his party, not hers.

He can't invite every single person he has ever known.

notacooldad · 24/06/2019 09:05

He can't invite every single person he has ever known.
I understand that but the other friend us going, I'm betting it's the friend that is doing the planning and invites.
I wouldnt be able to invite all my friendship groups but would invite all of the ones in a certain cluster, in this case both friends as I know the other would be left out. If there was 8 ( for example) of them in that group it would be ok ( imo) to invite one and not all

DaisyCarrington · 24/06/2019 09:08

Don't ask to be invited. How tacky.
If your invitation has been 'lost in the post' (highly unlikely) you will hear about it.
For whatever reason your friends have decided you or your husband are not a good fit with the party group. Most of the skill in throwing a good party is making sure the right mix of people are there!
Rise above it and continue to enjoy your solo get-togethers with these two friends.

IvanaPee · 24/06/2019 09:16

God, don’t ring!!!

I’d be hurt too but I hate how people on here insist on “picking up the phone”. It’s confrontational and awkward!

I’m not sure what to suggest really.

If you do text, I’d go with the first suggestion and not @Charley50’s emotionally over the top one! I’d be embarrassed to text that begging for an invitation.

I’m sorry @itsgoodtobehome - it’s shit for you.

sackrifice · 24/06/2019 09:27

I understand that but the other friend us going, I'm betting it's the friend that is doing the planning and invites.

Yes inviting HIS friends.

IvanaPee · 24/06/2019 09:29

Do they not like your husband maybe @itsgoodtobehome

notacooldad · 24/06/2019 09:32

sackrifice

I understand that but the other friend us going, I'm betting it's the friend that is doing the planning and invites

Yes inviting HIS friends
Yeah, I know that, but I got the impression that both friends were also friends of the husband as they had known him from the days when he first meet the wife and one friend is going but not the other.Thats why I found it a bit odd. As with everything on MN, I'm just coming in with my perspective, experience and opinion and how we've done things. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just my view.

Cryalot2 · 24/06/2019 09:43

Certainly you have every right to feel hurt.
No idea what the best way to deal with it is though.
What is your friendship like , do you keep a what's app or fb group with regular updates?

I would go with notacooldad.

sackrifice · 24/06/2019 09:48

Yeah, I know that, but I got the impression that both friends were also friends of the husband as they had known him from the days when he first meet the wife and one friend is going but not the other.Thats why I found it a bit odd. As with everything on MN, I'm just coming in with my perspective, experience and opinion and how we've done things. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, just my view.

It's not your party is it?

LorelaiRoryEmily · 24/06/2019 09:48

Oh and I sent the text 2 weeks after the party. I wouldn’t have text beforehand as he’d definitely have invited me and it would have been clear I was an afterthought

Pinkmouse6 · 24/06/2019 09:51

It could simply just be the fact they meet up more often so perhaps they feel closer, maybe they all meet as couples/families without you too. I can understand why you’re upset though.

notacooldad · 24/06/2019 09:53

Fromsackrifice
It's not your party is it?
No it's not. That is correct
But I'm taking part in a 'chat' with others, sharing opinions etc.like other people are doing.
Isnt that the point of MN?

Paddy1234 · 24/06/2019 09:58

I can really understand why you are upset and it must hurt.
However as it is the DH birthday, it would be his friends they are inviting and other friend purely due to location may just be closer to him.
My OH is having a big party this year and I do not expect my oldest friend to be invited purely as she lives so far away and she doesn't know my OH as well as more recent friends do.
I have you get it sorted out without ruining your friendship ❤️

Original poster

itsgoodtobehome · 24/06/2019 21:34

Thank you for your kind responses. It seems that most of you would also be upset by this, which makes me even more sad. I was hoping everyone would tell me to get a grip .

I’m not going to bring it up before the party, and I’m certainly not after a pity invite. There is no chance of invite being ‘lost’ - we were all in contact just last week arranging our next meet up. Neither of them said - oh we’ll be seeing you at DH’s party 😢.

My DH says it’s probably the distance thing, and the fact that they spend more time together, so they know each other’s friends a bit better. Whatever the reason though, it still hurts. It will be even worse when it actually happens. Brenda doesn’t do social media, but Sheila is a massive over sharer, so it will be right in my face. Maybe I should just put the sad emoji on every picture she posts!!

Maybe I’ll bring it up with Brenda after the event. I’ll see how I am feeling at that stage. Thanks for all your kind words.

OP posts:

IvanaPee · 24/06/2019 23:41

I wouldn’t put a sad emoji but I would comment !

RainbowPanda · 25/06/2019 00:14

I would unfollow/mute on social media so you don't have to see it (unless you go on their pages specifically but that would be your choice then).

RighteousSista · 25/06/2019 07:06

Send the husband a birthday card in the post that arrives on the day of the party or just 'after ' the event. See how they interpret that in their future interactions with you

Having been in the receiving end of someone fishing for a party invite (not even someone i would consider being more than a distant acquaintance) can be grim. Also people being spiteful by loudly talking about their party as an exclusion tactic.

Hugosclock · 25/06/2019 08:35

Maybe their husbands are closer. It is her husbands birthday after all.

Piffle11 · 25/06/2019 08:56

This happened to me last year. Friend of 30+ years had a 'big' birthday and didn't invite me to the meal/party. I was shocked, as she had discussed different ideas about it with me a couple of months previously, but then made out as if she wasn't doing anything after all. I live further away than her family and friends, but only 30 mins away!! I'd even said to her that I'd take her out for a birthday lunch, since she wasn't doing anything! It was all over FB so she must have known I'd see. I didn't hear anything from her for over a month - at that point she texted to say thanks for the present, and how about we arrange that birthday lunch?!?!? CF. I don't see her anymore: if she's in desperate need of someone to talk to (she would always say 'you're my oldest friend', 'you're the only one I can talk to') then she can call on one of the women who made the cut.

CoraPirbright · 25/06/2019 09:06

Can I ask - if you only meet up a few times a year, how often are you in contact between that? If you only talk to arrange your meet-ups (ie a few times a year) then it might be simply a case of out of sight out of mind. If, however, you are in contact a lot in between then I would really be a bit hurt too. I am sorry OP.

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