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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*triggering* I need some help

53 replies

Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:32

Am not sure even how to start this thread.

Dh and I have been together for 13 years.

Without wishing to divulge too much info / he had just divulged to me that he had been abused by whom I would consider the worst person possible.

The person is now no longer around, and I’m so torn with what to say. Not sure what to say or do - our whole lives feel like a lie

Sorry if rambling and don’t habe an aibu jost need a hand. Hold really

OP posts:
Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:35

Anyone?

OP posts:
Stopandlook · 23/06/2019 00:37

Here to hold your hand Flowers

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 23/06/2019 00:37

I'm not sure I understand why his historical (?) abuse means your life with him has been a lie.

I would be supportive, advise counselling or some such support for him to work through his feelings. And separate support for you to understand how best to be supportive of him.

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:37

Thank you

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 23/06/2019 00:38

But why does your lives seem like a lie. Did the abuser play an important role in your life before their death??

I really hope you can be there for your DH so he can get through this. But take some time to process it and that’s fine, make sure he doesn’t think you are shamed by it.

Try go together counselling.

It’s not his fault. It’s very good he managed to finally open up.

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:39

@TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignuppjr not quite Mj life with him - more our family life as a whole

OP posts:
AnnieOH1 · 23/06/2019 00:40

Sending unmumsnetty hugs. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I implore you both to seek counselling, as individuals and as a couple. I can only imagine how you're feeling - shocked, angry, betrayed - and all that is okay. I know you say this person is now gone I assume they're dead but that doesn't mean that there aren't repercussions.

You need to consider whether this person ever had contact with your children (assuming you have them) and if that is a possibility they were also abused. Please don't try and do that on your own. There are strong reasons to allow a trained counsellor to raise the question with them, particularly if there's a chance this person is alive or did it to other people.

Feel free to rant/rave/shout/scream on here but do you have any support in real life?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 23/06/2019 00:41

I'm sorry OP for both of you.

I was abused by a family member and remember having to tell my DP and it was very very difficult.

This would have been very difficult for him to tell you however it will be hard on you too. You'll need to process it in your head as well. You'll probably have lots of questions, my DP did and I did try and answer them all as much as I could.

Try and remember there is nothing you can say that will make it any better - sometimes just a cuddle from my DP makes me feel safe and cared about.

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:42

Sorry realised how this comes across ... the reason I feel our life is lie is because of who the abuser is. Not because of dh.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 23/06/2019 00:42

Support him the best you can. Listen if he wants to talk,don't push if he doesn't. Mention options like counselling but let him take the lead. Be there for him. Do not pity him. Do not treat him like he's broken.

If you find you really struggle look into counselling for yourself.Thanks I know it's hard to hear and think about all these things being done to someone you love and there being nothing you can do.

user4622137555382992 · 23/06/2019 00:42

Hi OP

Sounds very upsetting for you and must have been hard for him to discuss. He is lucky to have your support, keep strong for him if you can and seek your own support too.

I'm a little bit confused - when you say it's the worst person - do you mean the abuser was someone you absolutely would not have expected it to be and would not have wanted it to be (e.g. a close relative of yours, parent, best friend) or did you mean it was someone really horrible and nasty, and the worst sort of person (e.g. serial killer)?

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:43

I feel like an absolute arsehole because of how I’ve reacted

OP posts:
CSIblonde · 23/06/2019 00:43

You lives aren't a lie. They've just been affected by an abuser masquerading as someone OK. Abusers often hide in plain sight and are married, pillars of the community or people who seem trustworthy etc . It's how they get away with it. I hope you find some support to help you both through this.

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:44

Ok I’m going to be straight (and possibly have to ask for thread to be taken down later). The abuser wash his dm

OP posts:
Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:45

A woman I liked, admired and grieved for

OP posts:
user4622137555382992 · 23/06/2019 00:45

Oh my gosh, poor him. That is so so hard and must have been v v hard for him to talk about. Hugs to you both Flowers

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:46

He didn’t even click until recently

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 23/06/2019 00:46

How did you react OP?

I only ask so we can help you process it. I think seeing who the person is it’s essy to see why you would be extremely shocked.

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:48

And I feel awful for saying things like @are you sure” etc - and he’s so torn - it’s his mum after all. I knew her, liked her and loved her.

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 23/06/2019 00:50

It’s not too late OP, to go give him a hug. Let him know that everything will be ok. And that you are finding it difficult to process but that you are sure you can get through this together and he will be alright

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:51

My reaction honestly - I am in shock. I knew his dm in her later years. I knew before I met her she had alcohol problems but my the time I met dh she had been “clean” for mah years. A church goer and a nice - if forceful lady

OP posts:
IABUQueen · 23/06/2019 00:52

It’s ok to need time to process this OP.

Sign up for professional help ASAP.

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:53

I really don’t know what to do... Its a bit like / we have had a few drinks and hand promised that I’ll never bring it up again but begged him to get help

OP posts:
user4622137555382992 · 23/06/2019 00:53

Oh OP.

My mum wasn't great to me - abusive but.not sexually. She's calmed down a lot now and despite everything I still love her. I haven't shared too much with DH because I don't want him to hate her. I want him to have a good relationship with her and for my children to enjoy their grandma (while I'm present). Who knows, maybe when she's passed away I'll divulge.more.

The thing is, the person my DH sees now and the loving grandma the children see, is still the same person. We can have good and bad bits. It's ok you loved his mums good side, that you saw this and got to know this side. Now to know more about her, it doesn't mean those good bits weren't there or that you need to deny they were there. Maybe ask your DH why he didn't tell you til after her passing and discuss the confusion you feel

IABUQueen · 23/06/2019 00:57

Maybe ask your DH why he didn't tell you til after her passing and discuss the confusion you feel

I feel this is a very very sensitive topic for her DH and he is clearly struggling to open up about it. I wouldn’t further burden him with the fact that OP is confused and place blame for him keeping it till this late. It might come across to him this way. He reallt should take the time to focus on how he feels without feeling guilt about how she feels.

It’s understandable that he wasn’t able to face up to things when his mother was alive. Poor him.

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