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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*triggering* I need some help

53 replies

Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:32

Am not sure even how to start this thread.

Dh and I have been together for 13 years.

Without wishing to divulge too much info / he had just divulged to me that he had been abused by whom I would consider the worst person possible.

The person is now no longer around, and I’m so torn with what to say. Not sure what to say or do - our whole lives feel like a lie

Sorry if rambling and don’t habe an aibu jost need a hand. Hold really

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 00:58

Thank you. I don’t think dh doesn’t like her - she passed around 5 years ago and he does honestly love his mum.

It seems that it happened when he was quite young and she was in her alcoholic stage.

I think it’s affected our marriage without me knowninf why - and oddly without him knowing

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:03

Sorry I know I’m not coming across very well- am so shocked and confused.

He says he only clicked a year or so ago - and he told me because I bought something up.

We habe had a bit to drink / and I think he will never mention it again. And I neber want to push it

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IABUQueen · 23/06/2019 01:06

You are coming across totally fine OP.

I really do hope he seeks counselling. I hope he also can know that he should feel safe and not judged when he talks to u about it if he wants to.

saraclara · 23/06/2019 01:07

My mum wasn't great to me - abusive but.not sexually. She's calmed down a lot now and despite everything I still love her. I haven't shared too much with DH because I don't want him to hate her. I want him to have a good relationship with her and for my children to enjoy their grandma (while I'm present). Who knows, maybe when she's passed away I'll divulge.more.

This was me, almost exactly. My DH died without ever knowing. My grown up daughters now know because my brother told them. So I've told them a bit of it. But I don't intend them knowing everything. My mum is in a care home, and I pay duty visits.

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:08

@IABUQueen thank you - I think that’s exactly how he feels.

I get the feeling this was a drunken admission and we will burg it... but I cand... how can I?

I know I sound like this is all scout me - it’s nit but I really don’t know what to do

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saraclara · 23/06/2019 01:08

Oh...the difference is @user4622137555382992 , that I don't love her.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 23/06/2019 01:10

No one,except professionals(and even they struggle when it's a loved one) know how to react correctly in a situation like this,and even if they do it's hard to be logical and remember all the dos and donts in an emotional situation like this. So don't beat yourself up too much for your reaction. Allow yourself time to come to terms with it and maybe even grieve again for the woman you thought you knew. Don't feel bad if you need professional help to come to terms with it.

A lot of people block out traumatic events,either completely or just remember flashes/smells(in my case and i still don't know exactly what happened) and are unsure if they are true or not. Sometimes it all comes pouring out in the most innocuous situations. A friend of mine had memories of childhood abuse flooding her while on her knees washing the floor,30 years later. Sometimes as children we don't realise that abuse is happening and the memories get buried with all the life and experiences we have after that,especially if it wasn't a prolonged situation and the relationship was fine or even great afterwards.

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:12

It’s so hard.. I do t know how we will be in the morning. He’ gone to bed and I’m sitting up totally I don’t know the word... devestated.

He’s been at great pains to point out that he’s not a victim 1 bjt he is...

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:15

Thanks for your lovely support ... I feel so strange - I’m usually just posting tonask for book reviews or to comment on a silly post - so am overwhelmed

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:16

I feel like such an arsehole for some of the things I’ve said .like “are you sure”

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:17

And I pushed and just knew

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:20

Sorry am rambling am just so shocked

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theWarOnPeace · 23/06/2019 01:24

I think that by saying to him “are you sure?”, I don’t think you meant it as in you don’t believe him, just that you don’t want to believe it about his DM and wanted to clarify. You can apologise to him for any potential upsetting language you may have used when he told you, but ultimately the ideal thing is to be talking about it and not brushing it under the carpet.

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:24

@YourSarcasmIsDripping that sounds exaxtly like time was... abuse that happened for a short time and a good relationship afterwards. I lived at his mums house for a while and there was no bint at all. J think he buried it until now

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:31

I just don’t know. He kept saying “I do t know why I’ve told you”and to honest o do t know what to do.

He’s one of five who all worship the ground their mother walked ion - k don’t think any good would come of sharing this wit them.

I honestly don’t know now how to go forward in terms of our sex life (o feel we both need counselling£

It’s jist a huge mess

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:31

God that sound awful - I think I’m just dumping my thoughts on a keyboard

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:33

Apologies for typos

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Exhsuatedmuch · 23/06/2019 01:36

This was me with my husband.. He had known my family for four years when I finally started having flashbacks and figuring it all out and I just came out with it one day and then claimed up and didn't want to talk.. He was angry and confused and liked my father and couldn't understand why if not known all those years but you just don't sometimes. Sometimes you hide it from yourself and eventually it's there again.. My husband learnt to simply support when needed.. He wanted to talk it all through at first and then realised I coupdnt so now he waits and when a memory pops back in or something triggers it he will listen and hold my hand till I'm done. He doesn't really say anything he just let's me get it out in my own garbled mixed up way and when I'm done we cuddle and go back to doing what we were doing.. Its taking years to get it out but he's patient and kind and always says it's been hidden for years so it will take years to Unravel and he's right it will. Your part is hard and comes with as much emotion as his. Just love him and don't change how you talk to him or treat hi which iam sure you won't.. Good luck xx

Exhsuatedmuch · 23/06/2019 01:39

Ps. As you've mentioned sex life I can honestly say some days yes it effects it and others it doesn't. He's patient either way.. However for a long time it really put him off being near me and said it felt wrong. That was really hard as it was like being punished for something someone else did wrong.. It takes a lot to start to get over but you can.. He must love and trust you very much to have told you x

Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:41

@exhastedmuch I’m so sorry that you’ve had to go through that

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:45

And thank you for being so candid - the sex thing sort of bothers me- but I guess that’s a gut reaction.

When he first started talking about it I assumed for wrong reasons it was an uncle or something / not in a million years would it be his mother.

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Original poster
Okeycokey1 · 23/06/2019 01:45

It’s so messed up

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Exhsuatedmuch · 23/06/2019 01:53

That's OK.. Im happy to be open and honest if it helps.. Yes you will feel odd around him sexually. It alot for you both to take in so take your time.. Don't rush at anything but remain close and loving in other ways is all I can advise as my husband drifted and struggled leaving me feeling dirty and unloved. I can understand why now as we have talked and yes I can see that it must be very hard to be intimate with someone who has had forced intimacy with someone they never should have.. Please give it time for both of you to settle and talk.. Let him know you've not changed how you see him or love him and remind him often you're there to talk if need be.. That's all I can advise. Tough on bothof you and in some ways worse In his situation as its not really the abuse norm is it. Poor man and poor you going through it.. Please feel free to pm me if you need to talk OK.. I'm happy to if it can help xxx

Exhsuatedmuch · 23/06/2019 01:54

And please excuse the typos it's late and I can't sleep but also can't find my glasses!!!

Ifeelinclined · 23/06/2019 02:11

Oh OP. I think you are in shock. I'm so sorry.