To not want to socialise together much

[MaggieCl]

AIBU about not wanting to socialise much with my partners friends?

We have been together nearly 2 years and engaged 6 months. We currently live apart due to finances and have been aiming to live together for a year now - fingers crossed this year! I spend 50-60 hours a week commuting and working. Weekends are our couple quality time and my sort of down time.

I apologise in advance for sounding bratty, I wouldn't say I'm generally this bad but I can recognise it in these instances. I'm not the best at enjoying things I don't enjoy haha.

So…we are opposites;
Me a small town girl in my late 20s, reserved, only a few friends, homebody, likes to go out during the day to enjoy nature. I don’t connect with many people and find it hard to make friends. He, a rough area central London guy much older than me (well into double figures but let’s not get into that), very gregarious, talks to everyone, loud, outgoing, if he has spare time will leave the house to socialise. Considers himself to have crazy amount of casual friends (100s) and a reasonable number of actual friends (10-20)

I like to have quality 1-1 or small group time with my close friends and family (neither of which are local). My DP is obviously a social butterfly but doesn’t fit in with my friends. For me, there's a difference between genuinely having a good time and getting on and being sociable I would rather have that quality time than a civil meet up with my friends and our partners if I can help it.

He prefers to socialise as much as we can. Whenever I’m in the local area he jumps on the opportunity, for some reason apparently they all like me and I believe it makes him feel good and boosts his ego.I try to accommodate and humour him as much as I can tolerate – here are the examples;
At least 15 times, I’ve sat at his friends house for a few hours whilst they talk about the same things. Nice guy and sometimes I’ve been able to join in conversation.
At least 20 times, I’ve visited his local pub so he can chat and play pool. Most times, I’ve just been sat there. All nice enough people, but I don’t fit in nor found anyone I connect with.
I took time off work to visit his friend abroad who was very unaccommodating and a terrible host – I will be very upset if he asks me to do that again.
Been on three nights out – 1st was with 1 other girl and a group of men in a packed club awkwardly standing around drinking as its too loud to converse. 2nd for a birthday party with 4 of his friends and their partners. Too loud for me to join in conversation. 3rd was NYE where I was with him and 3 male friends just standing drinking whilst he chatted to them – I chatted to them sometimes but again too loud and I have a quiet voice. I also don’t drink alcohol.
We did lunch with someone who he met on holiday as they’re a married couple – it was pleasant enough. In the past year I doubt they’ve been in touch with each other.

When we first started dating, he was happy with my idea of us seeing our friends separately most of the time, which I now know was to humour me or keep me happy. Since that point, he’s tried to create as many situations where we are out as a couple as possible.

This week I turned down a birthday night out for a purely selfish reason and I know I sound bratty. I didn’t want to find a outfit that fits, dig makeup out, get on the train and pretend till 2am in the morning I’m having a blast.

I said to him it’ll be great for him to see (long term friend A) and (long term friend B) and spend time with them. He said he’d like me to go and feels as we are a couple we should attend things as a couple. Thankfully he let me get out of this one, but I know there will be a next time.

AIBU?

You don't seem very compatible to me. Has it not occured to you that this may not be a workable relationship for the long term?

That's sounds exhausting. I like my dhs friends and I only go out with them perhaps twice a year.
Just tell him how you feel? He must love you for who you are and part of that is that you aren't a big clubber/drinker.
YANBU.

My DH and i tend to socialise separately. We do "couples" or family stuff together but our regular friday/Saturday nights out are with our own friends. It's easier with kids and i prefer it that way. However, we live together and see plenty of each other. You sound, not like you're both wanting to do you're own thing so much as he's wanting you to do his thing. That's different.

This does not sound like a recipe for long term happiness 😬

I agree absolutely that you do not sound at all compatible in the slightest.

@Aquamarine1029, @VivienneHolt and @crimsonlake - Should a couple match in every aspect of their lives? We get on very well, have a great time together and make each other happy. We are not perfect and some things, such this are a challenge but we don't fall out over it.

@MaintainTheMolehill Twice a year isn't bad at all! I imagine when we move in - which will be away from his local area the socialising we do will be more with his good friends and not as often. However, he believes its a recipe for success. He knows how I feel so doesn't ask me as often as he would otherwise.

@Boom45 That's what I'd like. I don't really know if its that. It could be that he wants to spend the time with me and his friends, not pick one. I also think he values doing things as a couple far higher than me. I don't think he likes socialising alone when he has a partner.

I cant see this working long term unless you both compromise. He's into noisy pubs & clubs, you're not. Would you be more happy with a lunches or dinners? I think you can be too different. When I was younger I was very like you & only seemed to end up with total extroverts: it always ended because we were too different & had nothing in common. Now I'm older & more social I'd probably compromise more. Do you have any shared interests as otherwise if you keep the social dynamic as just you two I think as a natural extrovert, he's going to chomp at the bit to get out as a couple more .

Being a couple doesn’t mean you have to do EVERYTHING together. DH and I usually socialise separately. We get on really well with each other’s friends but I want to catch up with mine, my husband being there would be pointless. But we live together so we see each other all the time. Have you told him that this isn’t you and you don’t enjoy it? Maybe make a point of it when you move in with him.

No, you don’t have to match in every area. But if the way you socialise and maintain relationships is fundamentally different and you will both struggle to compromise, I think that’s a fairly significant struggle.

You don't have to have all the same interests etc but please think carefully about what it'll actually be like living together. It not being so local to the social scene may mean it's fine but I'd not be booking any wedding stuff until we'd lived together a good while!

You really don't sound compatible AT ALL.

We get on very well, have a great time together and make each other happy

...er.... but you don't. You've just listed the fact that everytime you go out, you've not liked it. You've included going "out, out", and to other people's houses. You've included meeting one friend, meeting couples and meeting in groups. You've talked about occasions that will come up every year - NYE / birthdays for friends. None of which you have enjoyed.

You really, really aren't likely to work out as a long term couple, if, this early in your relationship, and without the complications of babysitters and the like, you don't enjoy going out with each other.

Neither of your ways of 'being' are wrong, or neither os 'better', but they don't work together.

I'm a complete advocate of being able to go places without dh, and each of us having friends that maybe the other wouldn't choose, but you will still have lots and lots and lots of occasions when you would spend time together.

If he is desperate to play the public couple now, consider when you move in together and he wants to play the host with you as well. It sounds like that's just his nature, but you might be lumbering yourself with endless dinner, parties, and couples nights in your own home. I think this is a compatibility issue that is only going to get worse if you live together, and it's you that's going to end up the miserable one.

Sorry I don't think you sound very compatible either. I have no problem with couples socialising separately, but it seems important to him to socialise together a lot with his friends.
Nothing wrong with either of your views on this, but if neither of you willing to compromise more (him go out less, you go more) I struggle to see how moving in with each other or getting married will improve the situation.

Sorry, this sounds awful, to the extent of being untenable to me.

I am of your DH's persuasion, and just couldn't tolerate someone who wanted to sit in, just the two of us for the bulk of the time.

DH and I socialise separately, but the bulk of our socialising is done together, with groups of people, and I'm so glad he's like this as well. I'd find it infuriating to be with someone who wasn't gregarious and social. Having to drag someone out, when you know they don't want to be there, and they're counting down the minutes until you can leave is a real fun killer.

I'm sure the rest of your relationship is just great, and to you, this isn't worth breaking up over. But how are you going to compromise on this? There is no way to compromise, because you're fundamentally incompatible on this issue.

And it's the sort of thing that a couple does really have to be on the same page about, because it how you spend your days together. It's your lives.

If he is desperate to play the public couple

He's hardly 'desperate to play the public couple' - what a bizarre way of looking at it.

He just wants to go out, socialise, have fun and spend time with the person he loves.

@MaggieCl sounds like my husband and I. Can't comment on compatibility because we have the same vision, parenting ideas, life goals etc so the big things tally. However these little things will caste some kind of resentment and arguments over the years. So you need to decide if you have enough big things that are compatible. But both of you will continue to wish things were different

That sounds like utter hell on earth to me.

I am pretty much like you, OP. My DH is also a homebody. We don't socialise much because we are happy being at home doing our own things. We are both fairly reserved.

I've always absolutely hated clubbing, loud parties band forced socialising and jollity.

I'm afraid you don't really sound at all compatible. Life will get harder if you move in together, as you won't be able to get away from it and he will almost certainly expect more.

Neither of your approaches is wrong. Just not compatible.

Once I learned that introverts restore their energy from being alone and extroverts get their energy from being around other people, life made much more sense to me!

Could that be a factor for you?

You sound incompatible in the long term.

You don’t sound at all compatible long term. You’re not a brat, you just don’t like to spend your spare time like he does. Does he enjoy spending time in nature like you? How we choose to spend our spare time is a huge insight into our values. What’s the point of marrying this guy if you don’t both enjoy similar things. I also prefer more quality friendships and small catch ups. Going for hikes on weekends. He sounds shallow to me and I’d find what he does for fun to be boring. I think on some level you know this. Marriage is a partnership, it’s about sharing a life. What’s the point of one of you always had to compromise when spending time together? Why are you guys even together?

I feel exactly like you OP. I like going out but I prefer doing it seperately, unless it's for a specific and suitable event. That's what strikes me about the times you describe, the events he brings you along aren't really suitable. Events that I and probably you would find fun would include things like parties where it's a mixed group, dinner with other couples or events where something is happening such as seeing a band or a going on a hike as a group.

Non-suitable events are things like hanging out with one another man at his house or a group of guys at a bar where they talk about their usual things making no effort to include you, or play pool while you sit there.

@CSIblonde I don't mind lunches and dinners, I don't hate seeing these different people but I struggle to enjoy company with people I don't connect with. I feel I compromise by doing these things, if I turn things down, then the next month or two I'll try and do something. Time with us two is fine, we love going for walks, bike rides, going to the golfing range, going swimming, weekends away, meals out, watching films, going for drives. Us time is lovely and very satisfying to the both of us. I'm glad he is more social than me, it encourages me to be more - but just not as much haha.

@Chocolate35 He knows I don't enjoy it, he lets me decline and also encourages me to join in. I think its just his social culture to be present with your OH. Perhaps when we move in, he won't want to choose between me and his friends because he'll have seen me all week. (I push him to go out with his friends, I do not encourage him to stay in with me when he has the chance to socialise)

@VivienneHolt Yes quite possibly. I don't have anything to compare it to and he's great in so many other areas. This for me is a compromise. I could have been with someone else who ticked less boxes but matched my requirement to socialise.

@AuntMarch Definitley not! It is a must have to live together before we get married. He'd be happy to get married before, but me I want to be completely sure first. I want to know what I'm getting myself in for.

@BackforGood We have a great time together when it's us. I don't enjoy socialising with people I don't' connect with that's completely true. My DP enjoys it/ has a much lesser threshold for connection than I. I've not been happy when we've gone out, but that doesn't mean all the time before and after I haven't been.

@Nearlythere1 I sense it may be better actually. He isn't one to invite people to his house. However would like to invite close friends - not every tom dick and harry around. That I don't mind. I also would like to bring my children up in a social environment, as I am sure you can guess mine was not.

@clairedelalune I understand what you're saying. I feel that I compromise the most, however we will see. I think I will bring it up again to try understand why he values it so much.

@FionasWineShow I can completely imagine. I think because I don't get on with that many people, it's hard for me. Put me with people I have a connection with, joke and laugh with - I can be very social. If I was local to my friends and family - I'd visit someone once a week. I stayed in a job I hated because I got on with 5-6 of my colleagues so well. I'm in a new job and miss them a lot! I'm just a funny bean!

When we have us time - it's great. I don't think anything is off the cards, he doesn't like to stay in so I do that when he's not here. However we love going out for the day and do that every weekend.

I also don't know if "desperate to play the public couple" is too far from the truth. I'd remove desperate but I very much think he enjoys being seen out with me, and having a couple presence. He enjoys that the people he introduces me to like me and enjoys that people think he's found someone great etc etc.

@chopc I would say we are quite alike, you and your DH and us two. We have many of the same values and visions. Not 100% but many. Some things bother me more than they do him - such as this for example. How did you two manage to work it out?

@Topseyt In a way you're right. However, I am also glad of how socialable he is. I have two very quiet reserved parents who have very few friends. I don't want my children to be brought up like me and end up like me perhaps because of it. I think because we don't see each other enough that he wants me to come as well.

@NeckPainChairSearch I learned that around 5 years ago. I never used to think of myself as an introvert as funnily enough am very talkative and socialable with the right people. I find socialising with people I'm not interested in very draining and need "me time" to recover. Spending time with people I love and get a lot from, I don't need "me time"

@Whocutdownthecherrytree Yes he loves going for walks in the woods/parks/beaches, bike rides, swimming, weekends away/meals out. We love doing that together.
We are together because we get on well, enjoy our couple time together, have many similar goals and visions, similar beliefs. He's an extrovert and I'm an introvert. If you know of a way to find a 100% match in a partner where 0% compromises are needed - do let me know. However, in the meantime he's the only person I've ever met who's been the easiest and most enjoyable company with who I can see a future with. We are not perfect and we both annoy each other but both are also happy with each other. Is social
compatibility the most important part of a relationship?

@1300cakes. Yer that's true. I guess the difference is that we don't have shared friendship groups. We'd both like this, but we don't. I hope in time we manage this.

@MaggieCl well we haven't really worked it out as such. It's still an ongoing issue. However life and kids keeps us busy and it is on the back burner until a situation arises. Over the years both have adapted to be a tiny bit more like the other so the divide is not as big as at the beginning.

Firstly, it's not "bratty" to have a perfectly normal preference about how you spend your time! I hope he doesn't use that word about you?

Secondly, it doesn't sound like anyone at these social gatherings is making much of an effort to include you. Perhaps I'm reading this wrong but I wonder if the age difference is making his friends think of you as his arm candy rather than as an actual person it would be worth getting to know? You don't sound like you're having a very good time anyway and I don't think I would either in your position.

Ok OP thanks you both enjoy the outdoors together that sounds lovely. Social compatibility matters to some degree. I think the bigger question is how much does his social life matter to him? Does he think going to clubs as a couple a super quality time? How important is it that you join him? Is he calling you a brat? Because if he is, he doesn’t respect your feelings. You don’t have to enjoy social events like him, doesn’t mean you are a brat. I think you need to have an honest conversation with him. You don’t like the big catchups and you would prefer to do other things with your time. Fin he wants to go alone that’s fine, but it does mean you two get less quality time together. You can encourage smaller catch ups. But he seems to prefer feeling like the life of the party. I wonder if he has really heard you when you’ve expressed that you prefer not to go to big social gatherings? There is a technique called reflective listening. Where you tell someone something important to you and then get them to repeat it back to you in there own words. It’s a communication tool. Maybe it will help. Maybe it just comes down to communication? You are not a brat for not enjoying these kinds of things, you are very normal